November 10, 2011

Sluggish

I've been waking up feeling hungover, which might not surprise you after all the gin-and-a-funnel jokes I've been making---but in fact I HAVEN'T been drinking, because my years working in a pharmacy solidly convinced me of the idea that tranquilizers and alcohol don't mix well (Customer: "Can I drink alcohol with these?" Pharmacist, cheerfully: "Depends on how you feel about waking up!"), and I'd rather have the tranquilizers than the liquor, especially since liquor tends to leave me wide awake at 3:00 in the morning imagining people breaking into the house.

Besides, I don't seem to get hungover, and in fact usually feel BETTER than usual in the morning after drinking. This was confusing until I found a list of alcohol withdrawal symptoms (which includes hangover symptoms, since that's what a hangover mostly IS) that included positive symptoms such as good mood. That's a nice deal I got from the genetic pool, isn't it? Except that then when I wake up feeling lousy, I think "Dang, should've had more to drink last night."

Where was I? Oh, yes, I've been waking up feeling lousy, but I said "feeling hungover" even though for me that would be an inaccurate description of the feeling, because I know what "feeling hungover" means in the usual parlance and wanted to use communication to communicate an idea TO YOU, rather than TO MYSELF, so I used words in their usual meaning instead of pretending that I can make words mean anything I want them to mean and then act incredulous that people are misunderstanding me. Still, I guess I could have achieved the same effect by saying "feeling lousy." It was more that I ALSO wanted to clarify that it WASN'T that I was hungover, and so calling it "feeling hungover" right off the bat seemed a cleaner and less defensive segue into the "not actually hungover" clarification than if I'd said "feeling lousy" and then followed it by saying "BUT IT'S NOT A HANGOVER, SO SHUT UP."

I've lost my place again. Okay, so I've been waking up feeling lousy, and then feeling kind of crummy on and off all day. Part of it is the despair caused by the issues of yesterday's post, and let's not even link to it, okay? I don't want to open it up and see parts of it again, and I'd have to do that to make the link.

Part of it is Elizabeth still crying every morning before school.

Part of it is that Edward has started crying AFTER school, saying that he CAN'T GET HIS WORK DONE in class because EVERYONE IS TOO LOUD; and also we got a notice from the speech therapist at school saying he's way behind with his speech even after being in therapy all last year; and also I got a call from the doctor yesterday saying that his second set of blood work came back and he's still anemic, so they need to see him next week.

Part of it is that Rob's voice is changing and his skin is looking dicey and I have a top-of-the-rollercoaster feeling about this upcoming stage of parenthood.

Part of it is that William went to the dentist for a cleaning/check and now the dentist wants to discuss (1) orthodontia, (2) speech therapy, and (3) a tonsillectomy.

Part of it is that Henry has been in a particularly careeny/uncareful stage (he's ALWAYS like this, but even more so recently) and that, combined with his INCESSANT TALKING, is wearing on my nerves and making me feel like I can't focus---and then I'm also continually being startled by loud crashes.

Part of it is that our dishwasher has been broken, and I finally got myself to do something about it when I found out to my delight that the dishwasher repair place HAD AN EMAIL ADDRESS FOR SERVICE---and after I emailed them, they CALLED ME BACK to make the appointment, even though (1) I hadn't given my phone number, which means they had to go to the trouble of looking it up when they could have just hit reply, and (2) IF I CONTACT BY EMAIL, THAT MEANS I WANT TO TALK BY EMAIL. Plus, now there will be an expensive stranger in my house sometime today.

Part of it is that I'm reading Joan Didion's? new book? and it seems like? every single sentence? is an unanswerable question? and it's giving me a headache?

Part of it could be too much sugar and/or too much caffeine, taken in the attempt to combat the Feeling Lousy.

And of course I'm worried about my Sims family.

NONE of this is a big deal. EVERY SINGLE ITEM on this list falls into totally routine LIFE. And there is no reason I can't cope with it, and I AM in fact coping with it. But I think it's like how when you're doing something big on the computer, like a big download or upload or something, and then everything else runs all sluggishly: the computer is handling it, but it's not running at its usually brisk cheery pace. That's how I've been feeling: SLUGGISH, and as if I have a large program constantly running in my background.

37 comments:

Heather R said...

I think I would wake up feeling lousy/hungover too if I were dealing with all of that!! That sounds like a lot of phone calls and appointments in your future:(

Slauditory said...

I know that feeling. Also, I can understand having lingering bad feelings after thinking about all the awful things you had to think about to write yesterday's post (which I read and immediately had to put out of my mind, although it came back last night every time I heard a noise...and it was a windy night). In times of feeling overwhelmed, I remind myself that it will pass and when everything's settled (doctor's appointments, orthodontia, speech therapy, etc.) things will get better. Solving problems allows for hope!

Karen L said...

May I suggest a crappy day present?

el-e-e said...

Oh gosh! That is a lot of "program" in the background! I hope at least some of the issues resolve with no difficulty and you can dust off your hands and say, "all better!"

Part of my desk job is to answer gerenal-public emails and I try really, really hard to solve problems without having to tell people who email in, "I'm sorry, but you'll need to speak with Customer Service for that." Because I KNOW they are avoiders like us. Poor things, sometimes I have no choice. :(

LizScott said...

It is amazing to me - AMAZING - how tone deaf people can be to a preffered method of communication.

I do NOT like talking on the phone at all. I do it, when I have to - which is frequently - for work, but I'd just as soon email. And it CHAFES when I send an email and someone calls me back about it, when it would have been just as easy to hit REPLY.

My old boss did this. I'd send an email, he'd pick up the phone. And I was just working some some vendors- people trying to SELL ME THINGS -- and they were RIDICULOUS with the calling. HATE.

Jessica said...

I love the program-running-in-the-background analogy. I've been feeling like that ever since I went back to work after maternity leave. It's not necessarily the job or the baby or the two-year-old that are bothering me, it's just that my mind is constantly running in the background trying to solve the problems of laundry/dishes/breakfast/pack lunch/order diapers/vaccuum/Thanksgiving/deswaddle/take out trash/and on/and on/and on. Maybe if I occassionally got to force close a bunch of stuff or even dump everything and reboot I would run better.

As it is, I almost feel bad taking a salary, because I can barely get anything done.

Hotch Potchery said...

YOUR kids crying daily makes me feel stressed right now, so I can't even really fathom how it makes you feel.

I was snuggling my sister's newborn and chatting happily about field trips to her 5 year old and I got a little tug----then you snapped me back to reality.

Amanda said...

I love you (in a totally bloggy friend, non-stalkerish way)

Laura Diniwilk said...

I think you might be onto something with the extra caffeine thing. I don't know about you, but I am finding that I'm extra sensitive to it as I get older. Like, to the point of heart palpitations and anxious feelings (and I'm NOT normally an anxious person), plus it makes me generally sluggish/lousy.

Yes, all of that is just LIFE, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck when it all comes at once. Thinking of you!

Bibliomama said...

Honey, the phone call thing alone would do me in - and you have FIVE KIDS. I'm with whoever said crappy day present. Also, hugs. Also, your ass looks incredible.

Mimi said...

That's a lot of stuff all at once. I would be sluggish too.
Hugs to you.

Leah said...

All of this, except I have 3 kids 5 and under and the 5yo is crying before school every day and the other two at least don't have school drama because they're too little but they never sleep OH GOD WHY DOES NO ONE SLEEP.

Elsha said...

I've been feeling sluggish also, but I've been blaming pregnancy + time switch. I love the program in the background analogy.

Maggie said...

I know the big deals in life are stressful and heartbreaking, but realistically speaking they don't come along very often (hopefully). Instead it is all of the small daily stresses and hurts that wear a person down.

My daughter cried at drop off for a month when she switched classrooms at daycare (she was cheerful and didn't want to leave at pick up so it was just the change she was not dealing well with) and at the same time my son was feeling overwhelmed by homework. Those two things in tandem made me feel low grade stressed/depressed for weeks. These are the kinds of things that seem like they shouldn't be a big deal, but damn if they don't wear over time.

I second the suggestion of crappy day gift time!

Rebecca said...

Might I suggest having a thyroid test? I've got Hashimoto's (which really wants to correct to Hiroshima, for some reason) and that background program feeling, along with life grating more than usual, generally tells me I need a meds adjustment. Just a thought.

But, if you've had a thyroid test, then by all means - CRAPPY DAY PRESENT!!! Woohoo!

Oh and ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.

Nik-Nak said...

Dude I think you need a momcation. You know. Where the kids and hubby all leave for like a week and you only have to worry about yourself. That is just too much crap right there.

Shari said...

Ugh, I have the melancholy/ overwhelmed/ depression too. I was hoping it's maybe the time of year? The absolute bleakness of winter approaching mirroring my bleak life...something like that. Like you, no REAL problems, just various job/marriage/kid related annoyances. I wish I had a crappy MONTH gift. But I think I will need to make do with a donut that I found in the break room today. At least it's chocolate frosted.

Swistle said...

Oh, you guys, what a good idea: I just opened two Crappy Day Presents and feel better already!

Nicole said...

Blergh. Hope your crappy day presents cheered you up! Did they contain chocolate? I hope so. xo

Misty said...

Oh the crashing and the crying would be getting to me. And the issues. Braces, speech, anemia. I think you are holding up amazingly well! That is a lot of stuff to worry about!

Deep breath! You can do this. This too shall pass.

(Also, I do this. The sentences? That are unanswered questions? Damn, gotta stop that.)

Kalendi said...

Hang in there Swistle, and hooray for crappy day presents! I can't imagine...I have enough trouble not getting overwhelmed with just two of us in the house. I admire you!

Anonymous said...

I wish I had crappy day presents. How did you set that up?

Instead I give myself treats - on a crappy day I try to give myself something to look forward to after the kids are in bed - watching a video I've been looking forward to, watching my favorite comedian on YouTube (Eddie Izzard, or lately, Dara O'Briain),... or picking up a food treat for myself, but that's more dangerous.

Good luck.

Joanne said...

Oh, I just want to say I'm sorry, that's a lot. And maybe stop reading that Joan Didion book immediately, maybe it's too much? Also, I will see your Henry and raise you a Maria, my almost four year old. She is insane with the careening and the falling. All day, it seems, I am nursing this baby and I hear boom! crash! from another room and I tense up and hold my breath until she says 'IM OK!'. Last week she loosened her two front teeth falling out of bed and a few days later, she fell off the swing at school a d completely knocked out one of them. I know what you're saying, is what I'm saying. If I added in the Pre and post school crying and the teen years, hoo boy, well, that's a lot. I hope it gets better soon.

Shalini said...

I have an entirely different set of problems going on and yet I relate to everything you said. this is just to say: me, too, lady; ME TOO.

Nowheymama said...

Boy, do I hear you.

Josefina said...

What a great way to describe that feeling--like a large program running in the background. I've been feeling that way for months now. I haven't been able to devote the mental attention to even figure out WHY I feel so distracted and preoccupied, but yes, that's it. All the small THINGS are a darned big program.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

I would blame the time change. It always messes me up for a week or so.

Or perhaps blame the caffeine/sugar. I am super sensitive to that and find that if I can break the sugar feast just a little, it helps with my plummeting energy levels.

Or perhaps blame all the stuff on your plate/mind! Yeah, that's a lot.

Crappy day presents to the rescue!

Swistle said...

Anonymous- They're doing an exchange right now if you hurry!

M.Amanda said...

So very UGH. Hope it lightens up for you. And Elizabeth and Edward. I remember times of crying at having to go to school.

I've been struggling with communication with someone who prefers 99% verbal while I prefer mostly email. I like being able to think about my response and make sure I say exactly what I mean the first and only time I say it and be able to look back at what they said to make sure I'm remembering accurately. He likes to ramble on and on, sometimes saying something several different ways with no clear conclusion by the end of the conversation. I guess it helps him think through it? But then we end up wasting time having the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION a few days later. Problem.

d e v a n said...

I'm glad the CDP helped! I blame the full moon because I too am feeling very sluggish and, in my case, very snappy with the children.

Alice said...

i love the computer / too many programs running analogy!

glad the CDPs helped :)

L said...

Awww I feel so sad for Elizabeth and Edward. Are they in the same classroom? Would that help? Hugs to EVERYONE.

CARRIE said...

Ack! That's all I have to say about that.

Lippy said...

Just a third of that list would be too much. I hate the before school/after school crying, so heartbreaking.

velocibadgergirl said...

Program running in the background is about the best metaphor I've ever read for this sluggish feeling. Hugs to you…I hope things start feeling less muddled soon <3

Little Spool said...

I don't even want to begin to list everything going on here! But I totally feel for you. If it isn't one thing, it's another, or seventeen... none of which feeling lousy (or just not quite all THERE) can help.

Like Jessica said earlier, it happens to me at work too (baby is almost 5 months old now)! I've almost ceased to give a crap about much of it and just show up, work and go home. Sad, but true.

I hope things start to even out and go better for you, and everyone!

Melissa said...

I just had the urge to type out all my drama since I really haven't added it all up. It's a wonder I'm still standing some days even though I get just enough sleep, exercise, etc etc.

22yr old: changed majors in college, requires an extra semester: $$$$
21 yr old: not sure she is graduating on time, either. Feel she is avoiding conversation because: $$$$
20 yr old: wants to switch from engineering to art. Husband is NOT.HAPPY= me not happy (could care less what major is)
19 yr old: new boyfriend that I am not thrilled with from what I saw on facebook.
14 yr old: wayyyy too into texting and boys. Grades are solid B's after being solid A's in middle school.
Husband: cancer. big surgery Thursday. (not being trite, we've been dealing for 10 months)
Me: no enjoyment from part-time job but see ($college kids$), above.
I feel you.