This is for Shannon's chocolate-chip cookie recipe challenge.
Swistle's Postpartum Chocolate-Chip Cookies
1 c. shortening (I use one Crisco stick--easier)
3/4 c. dark brown sugar
3/4 c. sugar
1 t. vanilla
1 t. baking soda
1 t. salt
2 and 1/4 c. flour
12 oz bag chocolate chips (I use Nestle or Sam's Choice semi-sweet)
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Get out mixer. Notice how long it's been since anyone has cleaned the mixer. Feel like a bad housekeeper. Feel oppressed by the millions and millions of messy things that ought to be cleaned. Dismiss thought; return attention to business at hand.
In mixer, thoroughly beat together Crisco and sugars. Remember the time brother's friends found out cookies were made with Crisco, after they had already eaten several. Remember how they looked like they might throw up. Wonder why Crisco is so terrible. Rather not know.
Add vanilla and eggs. Accidentally pick up pointlessly-saved empty vanilla bottle first. Then accidentally pick up lemon extract bottle, also empty. Finally find actual vanilla.
Dry off teaspoon. Use it to add the baking soda and the salt.
See ant on counter near sugar bowl. Weep at ceaselessness of ants.
Add flour. Feel pleased for millionth time about being able to use the 3/4-cup measure from the sugars to measure the flour (three 3/4 cups = 2 and 1/4 cups), saving endless hours of dishwashing.
Add chocolate chips. Ignore the part about "by hand" and just grind them the hell through the mixer. They can take it.
Carefully form perfect dough bite: exactly the right proportion of chips to dough. Accidentally drop dough bite on floor. Weep.
Put lumps of dough onto cookie sheet. Feel angry at husband for never washing it thoroughly so pan is ugly and gross with baked-on stuff. Consider leaving him for someone who would care about cookie sheet cleanliness.
Eat three more bites of dough.
Put cookies in oven. Wonder where timer is. Glance at clock on oven, in case it takes a long time to find timer. Oven says it is 3:75, cookies need to bake for 10 minutes, so cookies will be done at 3:85. Search for timer for a couple more minutes before realizing 375 is not the time.
Find timer. Set for what is probably how long they still need to be in there.
Baby cries. Start nursing baby, forgetting about cookies in oven.
Timer rings! Baby still nursing. Take cookies out of oven while nursing baby. Baby's hair looks a little...singed.
Let cookies cool on sheet because still nursing.
When done nursing, wander into kitchen. Oh! The cookies! Eat five cookies with two glasses of milk. Feel as if life has returned.
Put rest of cookies into grandmother's cookie container. Feel sorry for everyone who has not inherited grandmother's cookie container.
Put in another sheet of cookies. Feel angry at husband for leaving racks in oven during self-cleaning cycle, even though it says right on the oven not to do that. Now cookie sheet will not slide nicely over racks. Feel freshly angry when remembering that husband ran self-cleaning cycle on a hot, hot day, costing god knows how much in a/c.
Eat another cookie.
Baby cries. For a moment, think of feeding baby a cookie. Remember that baby is newborn and cannot eat cookies. Eat baby's cookie.
Notice dishes and feel that life is very hard indeed. But at least now there are cookies.
Thanks, Shannon--great idea! (If you want to join in, you still have a couple more days. Go see Shannon for details.)
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