June 28, 2007

Postpartum Chocolate Chip Cookies

This is for Shannon's chocolate-chip cookie recipe challenge.

Swistle's Postpartum Chocolate-Chip Cookies
1 c. shortening (I use one Crisco stick--easier)
3/4 c. dark brown sugar
3/4 c. sugar
1 t. vanilla
2 eggs
1 t. baking soda
1 t. salt
2 and 1/4 c. flour
12 oz bag chocolate chips (I use Nestle or Sam's Choice semi-sweet)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Get out mixer. Notice how long it's been since anyone has cleaned the mixer. Feel like a bad housekeeper. Feel oppressed by the millions and millions of messy things that ought to be cleaned. Dismiss thought; return attention to business at hand.

In mixer, thoroughly beat together Crisco and sugars. Remember the time brother's friends found out cookies were made with Crisco, after they had already eaten several. Remember how they looked like they might throw up. Wonder why Crisco is so terrible. Rather not know.

Add vanilla and eggs. Accidentally pick up pointlessly-saved empty vanilla bottle first. Then accidentally pick up lemon extract bottle, also empty. Finally find actual vanilla.

Dry off teaspoon. Use it to add the baking soda and the salt.

See ant on counter near sugar bowl. Weep at ceaselessness of ants.

Add flour. Feel pleased for millionth time about being able to use the 3/4-cup measure from the sugars to measure the flour (three 3/4 cups = 2 and 1/4 cups), saving endless hours of dishwashing.

Add chocolate chips. Ignore the part about "by hand" and just grind them the hell through the mixer. They can take it.


Carefully form perfect dough bite: exactly the right proportion of chips to dough. Accidentally drop dough bite on floor. Weep.

Put lumps of dough onto cookie sheet. Feel angry at husband for never washing it thoroughly so pan is ugly and gross with baked-on stuff. Consider leaving him for someone who would care about cookie sheet cleanliness.

Eat three more bites of dough.

Put cookies in oven. Wonder where timer is. Glance at clock on oven, in case it takes a long time to find timer. Oven says it is 3:75, cookies need to bake for 10 minutes, so cookies will be done at 3:85. Search for timer for a couple more minutes before realizing 375 is not the time.

Find timer. Set for what is probably how long they still need to be in there.

Baby cries. Start nursing baby, forgetting about cookies in oven.

Timer rings! Baby still nursing. Take cookies out of oven while nursing baby. Baby's hair looks a little...singed.


Let cookies cool on sheet because still nursing.

When done nursing, wander into kitchen. Oh! The cookies! Eat five cookies with two glasses of milk. Feel as if life has returned.

Put rest of cookies into grandmother's cookie container. Feel sorry for everyone who has not inherited grandmother's cookie container.


Put in another sheet of cookies. Feel angry at husband for leaving racks in oven during self-cleaning cycle, even though it says right on the oven not to do that. Now cookie sheet will not slide nicely over racks. Feel freshly angry when remembering that husband ran self-cleaning cycle on a hot, hot day, costing god knows how much in a/c.

Eat another cookie.

Baby cries. For a moment, think of feeding baby a cookie. Remember that baby is newborn and cannot eat cookies. Eat baby's cookie.

Notice dishes and feel that life is very hard indeed. But at least now there are cookies.

Thanks, Shannon--great idea! (If you want to join in, you still have a couple more days. Go see Shannon for details.)

22 comments:

Misty said...

OH MY GOD! I lauged so hard I spit on the computer screen and now there are little rainbow dots all over it.

Still laughing.

You. Are. Awesome.

Sara said...

AAAh this is so great!!!

Katie said...

First, I cannot believe you have the energy to bake cookies at this point in your life. Shouldn't you have some kind of servant/family member/neighbor do that for you? You have so much energy for being so sleep deprived!

Now I want some cookies. But, I am fresh out of Crisco.

jen said...

1. crisco comes in sticks? What am I doing with this big greasy tub o' fat??

2. I have "good" cookie sheets the husband isn't allowed to use. I also have a frying pan that's the only one he is allowed to use.

Swistle said...

Jen: You must get them. They have changed the quality of my life. The stick version is sold near the tub version. It's like butter, but bigger sticks. It's more expensive than the tub--but no more digging around in the tub, and no more cleaning Crisco out of a measuring cup. Only downside is that when I need loose Crisco (like to grease a pan), I'm out of luck. I keep one stick to use for that; every 3-pack of sticks comes with one lidded, plastic, stick-sized container that's perfect for storing the partial stick.

Kristin said...

I laughed all the way through this. Thanks!

Julia said...

You totally crack me up!!

How in the world do you have energy for making cookies!!?? With FIVE kids?? I have three kids and I haven't made cookies since before the twins were born, and I use to make them weekly!!!

You amaze me!!

Catharina said...

Man, I want a cookie now!

Great post!

Devan said...

That is so hilarious. I died laughing, and NOW. Now I want cookies. *sigh*

Nellyru said...

Wait...your husband runs the self-cleaning cycle on the oven? Really? Wow.

And yeah, I'm just completely flabbergasted by you...baking cookies?? HOW ARE YOU BAKING COOKIES?? I don't care how dirty your mixer is, you are AMAZING.

Bunny said...

"Eat baby's cookie." Priceless. You are a gem, Swistle, a gem.

laughing mommy said...

"Baby cries. For a moment, think of feeding baby a cookie."

That made me laugh out loud. I've had a hard day, so thanks for the laugh.

DiWriter said...

Mmmm cookies...if only I had the energy to make cookies. Wow, you never cease to amaze.

And in my case, if I were working on this recipe, there would be another step: eat baby's cookie, picking crumbs of said cookie out of her hair when you are done..

Shauna said...

This is exactly what I need right now: a great PMS cure!

AndreAnna said...

I agree with Katie.. how do you have anything left at the end of the day to not only make cookies to but write a hysterical blog about it? You rock.

P.S. I mentioned you on my blog today!

Swistle said...

Here is the secret to finding time to make cookies: don't do anything ELSE useful. Some of you are wasting TONS of time EVERY DAY doing things like playing with your children. Instead, make cookies!

wheelmaker said...

they're not even burnt! they look very yummy.

Jewels said...

These sound really, really good right now.

Doing my best said...

Oh, THANK-YOU!!! After getting up with my 5th baby three times last night, I REALLY needed a laugh! You are GIFTED!

Anonymous said...

nice blog!

Becki D said...

Lady, it's like you live in my head!! Poor you. :-)

Carmen said...

HA! I now have special cookie sheets that I HIDE IN MY HOUSE so that Leo can't get a hold of them and ruin them, such was the rage that I felt every time I made cookies.

Your rage at the oven racks is similar to my rage at the huge number of things ruined by him putting them through the dishwasher after I have informed him of the dishwasher-related rules for new household items. It's like he thinks we're made of money.