July 25, 2011

The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking

Did you know that it is possible to:
  1. Feel uncomfortable in seasonal heat, and
  2. Realize that people in other professions/states/countries feel heat that is more intense or more oft-felt, and
  3. Nevertheless wish to complain/marvel about one's own heat experience?
The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking does not know this.


Did you know that it is possible to:
  1. Have a pet/child/pregnancy, and
  2. Understand the various options for caring for that pet/child/pregnancy, and
  3. Make an informed choice for that pet's/child's/pregnancy's care, and
  4. Have that choice be different than someone else's informed choice, or
  5. Even have that choice be different than what the current mainstream opinion is, and yet
  6. Still have the choice be a truly INFORMED CHOICE, one that needs no further input from others?
The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking concedes none of this.


Did you know that it is possible to:
  1. Complain about one's spouse, and
  2. Understand that there are worse traits the spouse could have, and
  3. Understand that people who have been painfully removed from their spouses would give anything to be able to complain about such small things, and
  4. Nevertheless wish to complain, since there are also BETTER traits the spouse could have, and since people who would like to complain about such things would ALSO be complaining about such things, if given the chance?
The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking refuses to believe you.


Did you know that it was possible to:
  1. Feel minor interest in the death/divorce of a celebrity, and
  2. Feel intense distress about a bomb in another country, and yet
  3. Only mention 1.?
Did you know that the reason for this could be:
  1. That a person feels one event is appropriate to discuss on light social media, and feels the other is not, or
  2. That a person needs more time to process one event than the other before discussing it, or
  3. That a person feels one event is easier to discuss in 140 characters, or
  4. That a person likes discussing one subject but not the other?
The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking does not know any of these things.


Did you know that it is possible to:
  1. Be very uncomfortable in the late stages of pregnancy, and
  2. Wish to complain about that discomfort, but still
  3. Fully WANT that discomfort because of what goes with it (the pregnancy, the baby, the health and maturity of the baby, etc.), and yet
  4. Still prefer not to have the discomfort itself because, clearly, it is discomfortable?
The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking does not know this, and feels you shouldn't either.


Did you know that it is possible to:
  1. Understand how the legal system works, and
  2. Still feel upset about the outcome of a trial?
Did you know that the reason for this could be:
  1. That the person thinks it's a rotten system that needs serious fixing, or
  2. That the person thinks the system generally works but failed in this case, or
  3. That the person thinks the system worked but wishes their side had presented the case differently, or
  4. That the person thinks the system worked the way it should have but nevertheless continues to have negative feelings about the outcome?
The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking continues to treat you with detached condescension.

84 comments:

Anna said...

I am very impressed with your patient eloquence in describing these very frustrating truths. In the future, I will do my best to follow your excellent example, instead of beating my keyboard with my forehead and screaming things that scare my children about morons and opposable thumbs.

Caitlin said...

I would like to say something which I am sure will be chorused here in the comments:

I love you.

Slim said...

You know, in some countries, if certain people disagree with what you've written, you can receive actual physical punishment. It's much worse than the Giant Internet Hand of Spanking. You should be grateful that's the worst that happens to you. Some people have real problems, Swistle. Until your problem is the worst one, you may not complain about it. Until you have perfectly assessed the most important thing to say and the best way to say it, silence!

Swistle said...

Anna- I suggest a combination method: first do the forehead-slamming and the screaming. THEN lie awake thinking of everything you'd like to say to every! single! person! involved (I favor dignity-infused monologues that cause the other person to hang their head in mortified shame as the full depth of their wrongness sinks in). THEN come around to something that looks more like patience.

Swistle said...

Slim- Hee!

Amanda said...

Love!

Miz S said...

This post is EPIC.

JEN said...

Swistle, you are fabulous! Well written.

Giselle said...

Fantastic. Just...awesome.

I personally like the losing sleep thinking of how to respond to people that you don't even know and don't really care what you think anyway.

Chris said...

people are ridiculous. some of them anyway.

Mrs. Irritation said...

Just another reason why I adore you.

Joanne said...

Seriously. This could not be more true or more timely.

d e v a n said...

So true!

Therese said...

The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking is genius! Well, actually I guess you are genius for thinking about and writing it. Yes, YOU are genius!

zoot said...

BAH. I'm so in love with this I can't see straight. I hate the stupid Giant Internet Hand of Spanking.

halloweenlover said...

Love it! Although I thought we were going to talk about actual spanking and I was all excited. Love slim and Giselle too.

Tara said...

YES!

Thank you.

jonniker said...

I lose sleep thinking about this stuff ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. Do you have any idea how angry I am at people who spent TIME discussing MY SITE and how I am WRONG in my opinions about Amy Winehouse vs. Norway (WHY ARE THEY COMPARED?)? And they did it RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. ON TWITTER. Which is fine and allowed, but it's not like I didn't SEE IT. HAAAA.

Anonymous said...

Well said. That is all. Except! When are you going to get searchable archives? I will need to be able to find this one again in the future.

-Marcia

Deanna said...

I wish there was a giant "like" button for this post.

Hotch Potchery said...

Ha ha ha ha.

Swistle said...

Marcia- You can KIND OF search with the box in the way upper left corner---but, I don't know why, I can hardly ever get the post I'm looking for with that. Maybe it doesn't do ALL the archives or something?

I've also had some luck by using Google and searching the name of a blog plus the words I'm looking for (example: "Swistle spanking"---which, hee!).

And also, I'll put it in the reference section over to the right. I've been meaning to work more on that.

Meltini27 said...

Perfect. Just perfect.

Lawyerish said...

Yes yes YES! The constant barrage of people telling one another how to feel or react to things, or complaining that someone else's feelings/reactions are WRONG, or chiding that there are much larger problems than the problem being discussed -- it maketh me crazy.

bluedaisy said...

LOVE THIS :)
Gonna save it for when someone is arguing some of these things with me during in person discussions. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree...

jive turkey said...

Love this. And you.

Jessica said...

You think I can just link to this post instead of writing out a disclaimer every time?

Instead of: My kids are so annoying! But of course I love them very much am and grateful to have them and thank God for their health and...and...

I'll put: My kids are so annoying. (See Swistle)

Alex said...

Brilliant.

Mimi said...

The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking...so funny and true.

Nik-Nak said...

I wish I was in the loop enough to know what happened to bring this post on. Seems like juicy stuff!

Marie Green said...

Yes. Oh, yes. And sadly, as much as I love twitter, I see this stuff the most over there (though blog commenters are obviously guilty of this too.)

I feel frustrated about this all the time because, for example, there are SO MANY things I want to say about this pregnancy, but I'm hesitant to do so... so many people (that I care about, even!) have had losses, or infertility, or whatever, and I'm so sensitive to being seen as ungrateful or whatever... Sigh.

jonniker said...

Well, Marie, as a person who's had a shit load of loss, I still support complaining as much as one damn well pleases. My situation has little to do with YOURS and I own my feelings and can separate them from whatever you might be going through with this pregnancy. The only time I get prickly is when insensitive things are said directly TO me, and that happens relatively infrequently.

Maggie said...

Well damn I was going to attempt to leave some pithy comment about how some people would be happy just to have a blog and it could be SO MUCH WORSE, but Slim beat me to it.

Classic post.

saly said...

Love it. Love you.

lifeofadoctorswife said...

Love. Love love love.

AnnetteK said...

LOVE THIS. I witnessed so much Giant Internet Hand Of Spanking this weekend that I don't even want to go near twitter. Gah.

sara m said...

Do you think Swistle could spawn an internet abbreviation? GIHoS? As in STFU GIHoS? That would be awesome!

Farrell said...

WELL SAID!

Christy said...

I think this should be in your little "reference" section there on the right. I call it Swistle's Greatest Hits.

Carmen said...

I will join the chorus to say that I love this post as well.

I was telling a friend the other day about your tagline, Swistle. She was complaining about her pregnancy (she's 39 weeks) and didn't appreciate people saying she wasn't allowed to complain. I have forwarded this post to her as well.

KP said...

Brilliant. This is fabulous. I will now always think of the Giant Internet Hand of Spanking whenever I see it, which is often and everywhere.

Hairline Fracture said...

This is so awesome. Every time I observe one of these twitter/blog battles going on, I am going to think, "The Giant Internet Hand of Spanking strikes again!"

Swistle said...

sara m-- Ooo, and it's catchy to say, too: gee-hoes!

Becki D said...

Love it.

The Diniwilks said...

And this is why you're my favorite :)

Sam said...

This is why people complain but make sure to include #firstworldproblems. They are afraid of the hand. I pretty much hate it when people think they need to include this hashtag. Complain! It is ok! We know you live in a first world country! Go ahead! Just because you're not enjoying a perfect life doesn't mean you're not thankful for stuff. Shut up Giant Internet Hand!!

Mary said...

You=awesome. Now I can complain about my dorky husband, and just end with (see Swistle). Thank you!

B said...

YES. My giant internet hands are clapping.

Bibliomama said...

For a split second I loved this post more than I love my children. Not that my children aren't wonderful...never mind. Eff off, giant internet spanking hand, for which I heretofore had no accurate appellation (no idea why I started speaking like a douche just then).

Jen said...

I think you are made of magic and lovely.

ssm said...

As my Indian-from-India cousins would say, "First class!"

Josefina said...

I love you so very much.

I narrowly avoided being spanked on my Facebook this week. It was a heat-related-discussion incident.

Rhiannon said...

This is amazing. And, I need to say that while I am thrilled to be pregnant, my maternity pants are digging into me and it's ruining my day. But, I still love my fetus.

Shana in Texas said...

This, yes! Provisions for GIHOS should totally be added to Teh Internet Rulz o' Conduct.

donna said...

Swistle, I adore you and want to kiss you on the mouth.

That's not creepy, is it?

Alice said...

this makes me want to write a controversial and/or complaint blog just so i can link to the swistle GIHoS!

Naomi said...

You explain this SO. WELL.

Alicia said...

Must be nice to sit there in your air conditioned house in the midwest or wherever you are, being all FREE (freedom isn't, you know), drinking your latte whilst you post to your BLOG, not at all dead like Amy Winehouse or many abducted and/or Norwegian children. Must be real real nice, Swistle.

Lara said...

You are the best, THE BEST.

I have a few faves in the old blogosphere (I know, I know) and all of them fit into what I call (in my head) the "sensible folks" category. I love sensible people. They are my favourite people. Does that make me sound old? I don't care.

You are THE BEST. I love this and you.

drhoctor2 said...

Swistle, you write more perfect sentences that anyone else om the planet. I MOCKED myself a while back to a friend for losing sleep over , going... well, I'll say this and they'll say that and I'll say this and then , THEN they'll know the deep, deep wrong of themselves !!! Then they will KNOOOOW !! I'm glad to know other people do it too, cos I'm okay with most of my crazy but that night, lordy, go to sleep, self, you have to get up in the morning.

cal said...

Since I cannot say any more eloquently what has already been said, Bloody Brilliant! will have to do.

Mr Lady said...

LIKE.

Anonymous said...

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." —Lily Tomlin

AmyQ said...

You are the best. Love this.

Stimey said...

Well said.

Also, discomfortable. Awesome.

Mir said...

Love.

Mary said...

I think you're my favourite person on the internet!

Aimee @ Smiling Mama said...

Like! Like! Like!

Sara Hammond said...

I second the wish that there was a great, huge LIKE button on this post. And also, if I had a blog, I would just link to this post every time I wanted to complain. I hate that people HAVE to include a disclaimer. Obviously...all of the stuff you said. It is obvious, or it should be, and why can't people just get it, huh? Love it!

Slim said...

Wait, gee-hoes? I was hearing it as "gee-HOSS," like "yee-HA!" and feeling all cowboy-ish.

There's a new sheriff in town, and s/he don't hold with yer first-worldy whining, missy.

Swistle said...

Slim- Yeah, that one's good, too!

Little Spool said...

heart!

Sara said...

Probably one of my most favorite of your posts ever. Love.

SUEB0B said...

Genius. I am going to bookmark this and send it when ppl need it.

Mrs. Wilson said...

Wow. Love. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS.

*hits bookmark button*

Blondie said...

I do believe this is the BEST post I have ever read on a Blog.

Christina said...

Perfect.

Peyton said...

I want to second the vote that this goes on Swistle's Greatest Hits list to the right. There haven't been enough added to that lately, and this could definitely be referenced many times.

velocibadgergirl said...

I love everything about this post.

Kayla said...

I just found this post through Simcha Fisher at the National Catholic Register.

This is fantastic. Absolutely 100% fantastic. I'll be sharing!

Mum-me said...

And did you know that it is possible to have lived in a different city for 10 years (where it is VERY cold during winter) and make reference to this fact in a small way on a blog post, only to have someone who lives in a MUCH warmer (ie tropical) city come and tell you that you were wrong to dress your children in 3 layers plus scarves and jackets for the cold city winter because when THEY visited that city during the cold winter they really only needed a long sleeve top and a light cardigan the day they were there? Apparently , it is so.....

Mellissa Rose said...

I love your blog. Some of these are SO true! Especially the first one about the heat. Love it!

Caneel said...

Great post - thank you!

Miz Kizzle said...

This this spot on. Did you know the Giant Internet Hand of Spanking has a cousin called The Giant Internet Boot of Meanness?
It's true.
I frequently read news stories about young people who are killed or injured as the result of foolish actions on their part. Instead of expressing sorrow and compassion, many of the commenters say things like, "That's nature's way of weeding out stupid people from the gene pool."
It's scary.