June 22, 2012

Pointless Mortification 2

Last time it was school-related; this time it was doctor's office-related. But both times, I'll note, it involved EDWARD.

Today he had a check-up. The doctor is a funny guy with a lot of jokes and games to make the exam more fun/comfortable for the kids, and he asked Edward if Edward knew what a "grinder" was. Edward was supposed to say it was a sandwich, and then the doctor would say no, it was THIS!---and "grind" a fist ticklishly on Edward's torso.

But Edward did not say it was a sandwich. Instead, Edward cupped his entire, er, PRIVATE AREA, with BOTH hands, and said earnestly that THAT was a grinder.

The doctor did an admirable job persevering through this to the conclusion of the joke. I was suffused with embarrassment, awkwardness, and also the fear that somehow this exchange would mean that Bad Things happened in our family. Because a child should not be using words like "grind" with That Area, right? I mean, RIGHT? And I don't THINK Edward has any reason to associate those things, but if he DID, where did he pick up on that? And where would the DOCTOR think Edward would have picked up on that? Was he adding a note to the file RIGHT NOW??

The rest of the visit went by in a fog of undefined mortification and agitated, fretful brainial-file-cabinet searching.

On the way home I broached the topic. "Er, Edward," I began. "When the doctor asked you about a grinder, why did you, er? Why did you answer...the way you did?" Edward said because that's what that area is CALLED. I expressed doubt, and Edward persisted. As evidence, he said that his karate teachers kept referring to that area as "the grind."

I was baffled, and also now the fretting had expanded to include his karate class/teachers. And then the brain's office manager found the right file folder at last: "WAIT. Do they call it a GROIN??" Edward: "YES, that's what I SAID."

I suppose there's no way to write a little "Oh by the way, funny story ha ha ha" note to the pediatrician.

30 comments:

Meltini27 said...

OMG Swistle. That story is hilarious and cringeworthy and just...OMG.

vanessa said...

This is the best story I've read it quite awhile.

Surely said...

I am cringing all the way over here.

And I would TOTALLY write a note to the doctor. I think it would make his whole day and certainly give the nurses a laugh. (as well as the karate guys!)

Jen said...

Oh I am rolling...kids are so funny. I could see mine making that mix up too. I would have been feeling so awkward about it too.

Anonymous said...

Oh the things kids say/think. That is def. a story for when Edward is an adult.

LOL, thanks for the Friday Funny!!

Beth said...

Oh goodness. I would have turned all shades of red and started stammering foolishly.

And I'm with Surely...I think a note to the doctor would make his day and make you feel better about the whole incident.

Think of the laughs you and Edward will have about this in the future!

elckd said...

So, so awesome. Thank you!

Life of a Doctor's Wife said...

I bet it would make the doctor's WEEK to read that story! Just a little, "I was curious why Edward defined 'grinder' the way he did, and when he told me, I thought you'd get a kick out of it too!" kind of thing. The doctor would LOVE it.

Sarah said...

Oh. My. Heart. These are the situations that it feels can ONLY BE MADE WEIRDER, no matter what you do. I hate them so much. Jim always teases me that my embarrassment trigger is way easier to activate than normal people's and it's very sad for me that I married HIM and have HIS children. I am embarrassed a lot.

Still Playing School said...

I agree that I'd write a note and play it off as a joke..."For your Kids Say the Darndest Things file!"

shin ae said...

I tend to think it would be easy to assume he picked it up from other little boys and it's all innocent. Also, I think I have a fun new word. Thank you, Swistle.

d e v a n said...

o.m.g. I am dying, but I feel for you! I would have been mortified too!

Mrs. Irritation said...

O M G !!

PinkieBling said...

Kids: inadvertently humiliating parents since the dawn of time.

Ginny said...

I second (or seventh, or whatever) the note/joke idea. If the doctor does have any lingering worries (which I doubt, kids pick up all kinds of things from other kids), it'll ease them too.

Is "grinder" more commonly used for a sandwich in your region? Because if I'd been asked that, I'd have been like, "Umm... a tool that... grinds?" Now you said it I have a vague sandwich connotation, but I couldn't tell you what kind of sandwich or anything.

snoozical said...

I am terrified of this stage of parenthood, because I ALREADY have a hard time not compulsively over-explaining everything *I* say, from fear of it being misinterpreted. I am also looking forward to it though, because it is hilarious.

Kami said...

HILARIOUS!

Christina said...

Wow, that's so cringeworthy!
Funny story - when I was about 7 or 8 I was yet to be diagnosed with what would be acid reflux, so I was in and out of the doctor's office with stomach aches and throwing up quite often. Apparently, kids often say their "stomach" hurts when they've been abused. The doctors and nurses took me from my parents and I was away from them for about 8 hours as social services and everybody sorted out that my stomach REALLY DID hurt.
I think if the doctor was legitimately concerned, something would have happened right away. The fact that he passed right over it and continued like nothing happened probably means he understood it was just a kid confused.
I think the note is a fun idea, though. It could get hung on a bulletin board and they can laugh over it from time to time.

Sunk Costs said...

like Ginny, my kids and i would be baffled by that question. there's one restaurant in town that serves pizza & grinders (hot toasted subs) but apart from that i've never heard sandwiches identified that way. must be a regional term!

Laura Diniwilk said...

Hahahaha that is hilarious, but I am totally embarrassed for you. I'm sure the dr. was amused but didn't think anything weird about it.

Side note: hubs pronounces groin "grow in" and it drives me nuts.

Stimey said...

Oh, that is brutal. I would have had probably the exact same reaction. Sooo funny. (Sorry.) Also, I really enjoyed the mental picture of the brain files.

Shea said...

That is too funny! You just made my morning. So sorry you had to deal with the mortification part, though. I'd have probably felt the exact same way. Don't you wish there WAS a way to send those kinds of follow-up "by the way..." notes??

Cayt said...

I have never heard of a sandwich being called a grinder - must be a regional thing - but I do know there's an item of drug paraphernalia called a grinder so I don't know how I would have answered that question!

Lucy said...

This story MADE my night. :o)

Just Vegas said...

That is so classic and awesome and funny, the perfect "thank gods it was you and not me" story!

Rah said...

Ha ha ha--this is hilarious! Maybe just print a hard copy of this blog post and mail it to the doctor with a quick note of "Whew! I was so worried..."

And that line, "the brain's office manager finally found the right folder..." is genius. Thank you for the laugh.

Alice said...

hahaaaaa oh god you poor thing. i'm impressed your brain filer ever did find the right folder though, because i was NOWHERE NEAR coming up with "groin" from that!

Lora said...

any sort of out of line reference to the genitals is seriously a parent's worst nightmare. When it happens at the doctor it's like 500,987 times worse.

Gah.

And yeah, I don't know if a note would make it better or worse, but I would definitely bring it up next time I was there just to clear me and mine of any sort of weirdo sex talk stuff.

Kalendi said...

I would send him the note! Like Art Linkletter and "Kids say the darndest things"; he can add it to his collection. You could also send him your blog or an edited version to add to the humor of the story. You are a great writer!

Kym said...

I. Just. Died. I won't start telling my own stories, but when stuff like this happens to me, I dither for days about What They Must Think and then think of all the things I probably should have said or the things I'll say next time "haha, remember last year, with the grinder!?" (cue: blank face from the pediatrician). Oh, Lord. Freakin kids!