Middle-Aged

The term "middle-aged" is a little awkward, because it's a tactful euphemism for an older group than it seems to describe. If the typical U.S. human life is, say, 78 years long, then age 39 should be solidly middle-aged---but that's not what we mean by the term. We actually mean something more like "well past the middle, but the term elderly isn't right yet."

I think of middle-aged people as being in their 50s or 60s or so---but it's a stage of life more than an exact age. It's a stage with no young kids in the house anymore (unless it's grandkids), but no need yet for walkers, or for those chairs that help a person stand up. When a middle-aged person gets sick, we don't think, "Uh oh, hope it doesn't go to the lungs." We don't worry much yet about broken hips, but there are plenty of lost bifocals. No one is talking about whether it's time to take away a driver's license or "think about a home," but there is talk about retirement. There are of course myriad exceptions (a guy in his twenties might have bifocals or have bad lungs or need to use a walker; a guy in his 60s could have little kids with his young wife), but middle-aged is a general term, so I'm speaking of the group it describes in a general way too.

I have a new proposal for terms. I was thinking about how middle-aged doesn't describe the middle stage of life: it's more like the third out of four (childhood, adult, middle-aged, elderly). Then I noticed another euphemism for age, which is the "senior" in "senior discount" and "senior citizen" and "seniors residence." And the combination of "four stages" plus "senior" made me think of how we mark high school and college grades: freshman, sophomore, junior, senior.

We're currently using senior discount to include people over 65 or even 60 or 55, so we'd have to change that. "Senior" would now be used the way we use "elderly": deep wrinkles, white hair, fear of broken hips, nursing homes, walkers. Then we could use "junior" to cover the category we now call "middle-aged": bifocals, falling necks, kids are grown, menopause, needlework about having the fun grandchildren first. Early/mid-twenties (depending on personal maturity rates) up to middle-aged would be called sophomores. And children up to their early/mid twenties would be freshmen.

If we're going to use euphemisms, it's nice to have them TIDY. And I also like the way this system automatically implies a gaining of knowledge and experience, rather than an increasing fumbling with new technology and change purses.

Pretend It's Someone Else Saying It

I have come upon a Useful Motivational Tool. It is not going to work for all personality types or for all motivational situations; in fact, for some personalities and situations it would be awful. It's similar to the "Think of how other people are worse off" perspective-resetting technique, which ONLY has a chance of working if self-applied, and is DREADFUL otherwise, and can backfire and/or be inappropriate even if self-applied---and it taps into the otherwise wasted/misspent resource of "feeling like other people's lives and emotions are eye-rollingly easy to direct/correct."

Here is what it is: Pretend it's someone else saying what you're saying. That is, when you have a reason you can't do something you want yourself to do, pretend you're listening to (or reading a blog post by) someone else saying that same reason. In some cases, you will nod your head and agree: "Yes, it sounds like that situation really is preventing you from doing that." But in many other cases, you will say: "What? Are you kidding me? That's easy to fix!"

This works particularly well for those of us who are Fixers AND Too Easily Discouraged. You know how some women will complain that they just wanted to vent but their male companions kept trying to FIX it instead of just LISTENING? I have "male" fixing inclinations of that sort, and often have to remind myself, "She just wants to vent. She is PERFECTLY CAPABLE of thinking of the same obvious thing you feel an urge to point out to her, but she feels like complaining right now." And the reason I know that's likely the case is that I myself sometimes just want to whine about something for awhile: I know I have to fix it, but I want to WHINE about it FIRST, oKAY? I slump my shoulders and think, "It's HOPELESS. To fix this window situation, I'd have to go to TWO STORES! Including one I DON'T ENJOY. AND I'd have to measure a shade before I go! AND choose a curtain color! JUST FORGET IT." And then eventually I answer myself: "Psh. Don't be ridiculous. You'd be completely done before the kids got home from school. I think you can handle an hour and a half of Not Your Favorite Tasks." The whining ends up being an important part of the solution-finding process: if there's no whining, no solution is generated.

Or I remember when I had a tiny baby and was inwardly despairing because I COULDN'T EVEN GO TO THE BATHROOM. I was getting myself all the way to TEARS of frustration and injustice and resentment and self-pity over the issue. It was IMPOSSIBLE! This situation was SO UNREASONABLE!! I was TOO BUSY to PEE!! And then I remembered how I felt when other people said the same, which caused me to say to myself, "Don't be ridiculous, of course you can pee. You just put down the baby in a safe place and go to the bathroom. Yes, he will scream while you are peeing. Are you seriously saying that's literally, actually, genuinely something you can't work with, or are you just locked into a self-defeating self-pity mode now?"

So I was already familiar with this concept---but now I've been applying it ON PURPOSE. For example, for a few weeks now I've been inwardly whining about wanting to exercise but also NOT wanting to exercise. When I imagined reading a blog post written by someone else mentioning all my same reasons, I nearly gagged on all my excellent ideas and sarcastic dismissals.

Not for ALL of the reasons, though, which is good to keep in mind: this technique can work as a SORTING tool as well as a fixing/dismissing tool. For SOME of the reasons/issues, I thought, "You're right, that's a legit problem." Sometimes I then thought "But that problem will be over soon" or "It's true, that's a problem that would take a bigger solution---so let's do the easier fixes first and see how that goes," and sometimes I thought, "Yeah, I'm not sure that's fixable." But a lot of other things I thought, "Yes? So that would take, what, 30 seconds to a minute? That seems...pretty reasonable" and "Well, that's what exercise comes with. There's no sense whining about reality as if whining will change it somehow" and "Well, could you try A or B or C to fix that aspect of things?" and "Well, then what you need to acquire is a D and an E. And you could consider acquiring an F and a G."

I think this technique is already part of the automatic whining-leads-to-solution process, but I tend to have a....LONG process. Deliberate application is helping me speed things up a little.

Update on House Number Situation; Microwave-Related Derping

Do you remember when my mom and dad were on a road trip and wanted to find my mom's old childhood house, and we all squinted at an old picture trying to figure out what the house number was? Well, there's an update on that post, because my mom found some old postcards that had the address on it. We still don't know what the OTHER number on the house is, or why there ARE two numbers---but I see two mailboxes, so maybe it was a multi-family unit, or maybe it was a rental and one box was for the landlord, or maybe one mailbox was for the newspaper and the other number was a word and not a number, or maybe there was a re-numbering of houses and the old number hadn't been taken down yet, or maybe there was some other system in place that isn't familiar to us 60 years later, or ANYWAY AT LEAST WE HAVE ONE NUMBER. And seven people in the comments section were right about it!

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Our microwave broke, which completely surprised us because that has never happened before. And just like when the power goes out and I keep thinking the downtime would be a great time to get caught up on email, I keep finding myself bumping up against the no-microwave issue in a way that makes me feel repeatedly derpy.

I'm accustomed to making a pot of coffee, taking a cup, turning the coffee pot off, and then microwaving cups of cold coffee throughout the day or even the next morning. This morning I got out a mug, put milk and cold coffee into it, walked toward the microwave---and then stood there trying to figure out why this idea no working.

Also, I've been cooking more new stuff, and with new stuff comes more leftovers, and this week we have an unprecedented number of them. Paul and I had no fewer than FOUR conversations yesterday evening about how he was going to heat up some leftover lasagna to eat when (1) there was no microwave and (2) I was using both oven shelves for the children's fish-sticks-and-star-tots dinner. We just could NOT figure it out. He was going to have to...WAIT? and then WAIT MORE? instead of just putting it in the microwave for two minutes?

Do It Yourself: Fix a Drawer Making a Scraping Sound

Sometimes when I encounter an issue of household-related brokenness, I ask Paul to look into it and fix it. Other times, either because I've asked him and he hasn't, or else because for some reason I don't want to ask him, I like to try to take care of it myself. In those situations I find it bolstering to first pretend to myself that I am living in this house as the only adult. In that case, would I call someone to fix it, or would I be able to manage it myself? If the latter, I give it a try. In this way I have recently replaced a toilet seat and....some other thing, I forget what.

Recently one of my bureau drawers was making a scraping sound/sensation every time I opened it or closed it, and also it was feeling increasingly scrapey to open/close. I wasn't sure what that could be, but I applied the "What if I were on my own?" concept, and I thought I'd be too embarrassed to call someone in without even LOOKING for an issue, so I looked for an issue.

The bureau in question. The middle drawer is the one that's making a scraping sound.

I took out the scrapey-sounds drawer.

What's this? I see a screw sticking out in a way it doesn't seem like it should be.

Oh, you can't see it? Here's a closer view. Definitely sticking out.

I can use a screwdriver, no prob.

That's more like how it seems like it ought to look.

No more scraping sound! I AM VICTORIOUS!

Update!

This is fun: there's an update on an old post! Jessica wrote to us in April 2011 asking how a second child would change things, and recently (okay, almost 2 weeks ago, I SOMETIMES GET A LITTLE PROCRASTINATEY) emailed to say how things turned out! I put the update on the post itself: Reader Question: How Does a Second Child Change Things?

New Updo, Second Attempt!

Yesterday I tried twisting both sides and ending in a French fountain. Today I tried one twisted side, with the twist higher, and ending in a messy side-bun---but with the bun high enough that it wouldn't rest on my neck, because I don't like that feeling.

Here's the twisted side, with the twist higher this time

 

And the messy bun side, bun held from side-above with this dangerous-looking clip

Here's a back view

I really like half-grown-out haircolor and sun damage for updos: it makes it so much easier to see the details!

I like this style, too. I feel like it's a liiiiiitle bit college student, but I also think I need to get over that: first, because what I think of as "college-student style" is now likely to be thought of by actual college students as "mom style" (see also: plaid flannel shirt still serving duty), which is completely appropriate; and second, because this IS the kind of style I like to wear (again, see plaid flannel shirt), so even if it IS also the kind girls are currently wearing in college, then SO BE IT. They will just have to share, as will I.

New Updo, First Attempt!

Thank you for all the suggestions on the casual updo topic! I clicked every link, leaning forward in my chair as eagerly as if I were searching a dating site. Also, I am planning a trip to the stylist to get long sideswept bangs, and a trip to Target to get packets of spin pins. I have a bun spiral pin, but I can't get it to work at all: it just tangles into the bun, without being twistable all the way to the scalp as required to hold the dang thing together.

I noticed in some of the tutorials that the updoer had first blow-dried and/or curled her hair, then styled it and teased it and sprayed it and so forth, THEN put it in the "quick-'n'-easy" updo. Those seemed perfect for second-day hair for someone who typically spends a lot of time on a style in the morning and doesn't want to waste all the effort---but what I like about the French twist fountain is that it takes seriously less than a minute from towel-wrapped wet hair to done. I AM willing to add a little time now that the kids are older, but if I spend drying/curling-level amounts of time, I don't want to end up with a PONYTAIL. Hillary's "office boho" style (recommended by Alice) looked like the type of thing I was looking for, so I tried that first.

(Aside: I read with GREAT INTEREST a comment on that post from someone who was recommending my SAME French twist fountain, and for the SAME reasons! And lo: it WAS me!)

I first tried the side bun, but realized I didn't know how to bun it in that position (I think I need the spin pins!). Plus, I generally think I look better with hair HIGHER rather than lower: a medium-high ponytail is better on me than a low one, for example. So I tried a hybrid: I twisted the hair like Hillary did, but I did it on both sides and then tried to bring it into my previous French twist fountain at the end. Here's my first attempt (no, YOU'RE wearing plaid flannel):

Right side

Left side, kind of, and taking no advantage at all of the available natural light

THERE'S the natural light, finally, just in time to shoot the messy back and the hanging mismatched towels

I'd say it worked pretty well, and that more practice is indicated. I'd like to try twisting so that the endpoint is HIGHER; I accidentally made the whole twist pretty low, and I think higher would work better with the fountain. I'd also like to try it with a high bun.

With the lower endpoint, I'd like to try using a large barrette instead of a claw clip, and then tucking in the ends or making it less effusive in some other way---but I think that might look TOO tucked/dressy for what I like. I'd also like to see if I can bun it, or if an off-center bun nudging my neck would drive me crazy.

And I'd like to try all those things with just one side twisted.