May 12, 2010

Good Morning!

Did you know that the United States post office will let you mail LIVE SCORPIONS but not liquor? It's true! And let me tell you, I had to wade through a TON of that article to get to the information I wanted. How hard is it, you might ask, to say "No, you may not mail liquor"? VERY HARD INDEED, as it turns out. (It is also difficult to say, "Yes, you may mail live scorpions," but at least there is a positive result for all your research.)

Also, did you know it's "scorpions" and not "scorpians"? I did not!

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Ug, I had such a bad dream last night: I took Benchley to the vet and they cut off one of his paws because their staff pet psychic told them it was the right thing to solve Benchley's uterus problems. And I was on one hand aware that there was no sense arguing at this point with the paw already gone, and on the other hand I was, "You thought my MALE cat had problems with his UTERUS??" and thinking to myself, "Next time I'm going to have to ask them to call me before they do anything." I was relieved to wake up and squeeze of all of Benchley's soft little paws.

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Our (discontinued) flatware pattern was from Target, and it's Hampton Finesse. And for years I have been thinking it was called Hampton Filigree. IMAGINE MY SHOCK. But also I was relieved, because the pattern is not at all filigreeish: it's three little squares in a column at the base of each brushed-metal handle.

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I haaaaaaaaaaate the way the batteries have to be changed in the Leapfrog Didj. The instructions are: "*picture of dime* *picture of triangle*" That's it. Those are the instructions. You have to put a dime in a slot and...? All I know is, sometimes the battery compartment pops open when I put the dime in, and sometimes I end up breaking the plastic and hurting my finger on the dime. And there are TWO OF THEM, one on each side of the Didj! I thought having to unscrew a battery compartment was bad, but this is FAR FAR WORSE.

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If I see you pulled over on the side of the road talking on your cell phone, I send out such huge love rays in your direction you might get a tan from it.

27 comments:

Kristi said...

Good Morning! Why are we up so early? And yes, I am well aware of all things scorpion. Sadly. And scorpion season is coming. Hide me.

Bethtastic said...

HA! The liquor thing! I was sending a care package to my friend who had just given birth to a new bundle of joy...and the package was full of things for Mom, and Baby, and Big Sister, and I thought at the last moment I should throw something in for Dad. So I grabbed a beer and tied it with a blue bow.

At the post office they asked the "Fragile, Liquid, Hazardous or Perishable?" question and I giggled as I told them the whole story about the beer...

And I think SIRENS went off in that place! Three people came to chastise me and I had to unwrap my package and remove the beer and it was all crazy.

So, I asked for a piece of paper so I could include another note in the package. And. In front of all those people, with the imaginary sirens blaring, I wrote:

"Sorry Dad. I tried to mail you a beer, but the crazy people at the post office would have sent me to jail."

Amanda said...

Good Morning!

Michelle said...

Um, I do not want to ever get a live {or dead for that matter} scorpion in the mail. I would, however love some liquor.

Courtney in Crete said...

When I was living in Kentucky I tried to mail my brother bourbon and found out that mailing liquor is a "safety issue." (I do not for a second believe that it's a safety issue but rather they're protecting liquor distributors somehow.)

So I apologized, scooped up my package, drove across town to another post office, explained that I was sending my brother maple syrup from a place a few hours north in Indiana, and that it was securely packaged, and had no problems. I have no regrets!

Gina said...

Well. I guess I can't wait to start mailing boxes of scorpions to all my friends.

Amy said...

My in-laws took their male cat to the vet to be neutered and they ended up trying to spay him! Poor cat had double the surgery....

d e v a n said...

I hate that you can't send alcohol. What's a care pkg with no liquor?!

sara said...

My favorite mail thing is the warning that you can’t ship blood or organs. Damn, now how am I supposed to get this skin suit to Buffalo Bill?! IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!

Dr. Maureen said...

Clearly you must put the dime in the slot and then become One with a Triangle. Only then will you achieve fresh-batterydom.

Superjules said...

So, uh, is your next care package giveaway going to include live scorpions? Because I don't think I'm going to enter in that case....

Jess said...

Now I kind of want to send scorpions to someone, just because I can. Let's see. Who do I hate?

Anonymous said...

I think the whole liquor thing has a lot to do with liquor laws. Evidently you can do it legally, but it involves getting a special sticker which is nearly impossible. However I have been known to mail a lot of "crystal vases" and occasionally "bottles of olive oil" when the package sloshes.

JMT said...

I had a dream last night that there was a mini-version of my cat William and I was NURSING him.

artemisia said...

Oh, Swistle. I just adore you. Good morning to you, too!

donna said...

When my dad was in Vietnam, my grandfather (his father in law) took a bottle of scotch and a container of Quaker Oats. He opened up and emptied the oats, put in the bottle, and poured the oats around the bottle, then taped the top back on the oats. No tell-tale sloshing around, and the bottle arrived with nary a crack.

Nicole said...

Sorry, but I'm still laughing about your dream. Next time the pet psychic tells the vet to chop of his paws for uterus trouble, they damn well better call!

Laura said...

I hate the post office anyway. I mean, I give them my stuff and my money and walk away with nothing. And I say this as I'm about to go mail my nephew's birthday presents!

Rachael said...

We had my dad mail us a case of wine from Trader Joe's (we were living in PA at the time with State Stores and high taxes)... We carefully explained to him that it was not very legal to mail it and asked him to package it "carefully" so as to avoid detection...it arrived in the original box with the wine label "Charles Shaw" crossed out with a Sharpie...no one questioned him or us! So, it obviously can be done.

Anonymous said...

FYI you may mail "olive oil"

Anonymous said...

Live baby chicks can be mailed also. That's how we get ours.

Swistle said...

You guys are all totally cracking me up today! I think I have laughed about 20 times in this comments section already!

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

I did know that it was 'scorpions' because I was in fact a fan of the band 'Scorpions' in high school and I may have been responsible for having their song 'Wind of Change' be our graduation theme song.

fairydogmother said...

LOL @ Jess 'Let's see. Who do I hate?'

I know who I want to send some scorpions to! I guess it is true that a little bit of knowledge can be quite dangerous!

Sarah said...

I think we should have a care package giveaway in which the winner comes up with the most creative way for you to send them some liquor without being detected.

anne nahm said...

That is weird. I wonder how those Beer of the Month clubs get around the mail thing.

Laura said...

I have learned something today--use UPS instead of the post office for large packages. We ordered a 19" doll for my niece for her upcoming birthday and it arrived broken. Due to the size of the package, we knew that they'd charge $20 extra for "oversized package", and since it came UPS, we used UPS to mail it back. Long story short--5lbs of dolly cost $12.71, a little over a pound of homemade sock monkey and overall shorts cost $14.50 from the post office!