May 30, 2010

BRING IT ON

I had the most boring dream ever. I was waiting for the mail. That's it, that's the dream. It went on and on.

I'm trying to work my way through Twilight, but OMG. If Edward isn't scowling he's chuckling, and if Bella isn't mentioning her clumsiness she's using her naughty-girl voice to make Edward scowl/chuckle. So far the only thing binding the characters is physical attraction, and I hate when a book wants me to think physical attraction = TRULUV4EVA.

Last night I had to put the book down because I was starting to make loud aggressive remarks to the room at large, and the room at large felt it was my own fault for reading the book to begin with. The room at large belongs to the school of thought that if something is very very popular, it is a mark of a person's superiority to decline to partake. I am of the opposite point of view: if something is very very popular it's likely that there's a reason for it, and also at some point it transcends popularity and becomes part of the culture, and at that point I participate whether I like it or not because I don't like missing cultural references. I don't have to read the whole series and watch all the movies, but I'll read the first book even if I sprain my eyeballs doing so, and I'll watch the first movie.

Probably I should wait, though, until I'm in a better mood. I've been like a wounded accountant recently, snapping and peevish and snarling, swinging my mighty paws at people's heads if they walk too close. When I read the first half of Twilight on the plane I was like, "Uh huh, well it IS young-adult fiction after all, and even the Harry Potter books sometimes had these problems," but now I'm all "SNARL SNARL DROOL SNAP." I've been avoiding social interaction because everything makes me irrationally mad. Oh, did you use the word "prescient"? That reminds me of the word president which reminds me of politics and OH GOOD LET'S FIGHT ABOUT POLITICS!!! Did you mention occupational therapy? That's abbreviated O.T. which makes me think of the Old Testament and ARE YOU LOOKING TO FIGHT ABOUT RELIGION, THEN BRING IT ON!!! Mighty paw SLAM!

47 comments:

Allison said...

Bella is an awful character. I've read all 4 books and she never gets any better. The fourth book is really terrible, so you should keep reading. Otherwise you won't be able to mock it.

Nicole said...

I'm not reading Twilight, mostly because I'm not interested. I say this quietly because the last time I said I didn't like Harry Potter I was practically chased out of town with torches and pitchforks.

Courtney said...

My husband and I share the exact same opinions about pop culture. Of course, I agree with you completely, Swistle, and my husband agrees with yours.

I do love me some Edward though. :)

Shal said...

Team Edward!!!

d e v a n said...

I read and liked them for what they are. I rarely start a book I can't finish though, even if it's drivel. The Twilight series aren't that well written and the characters are OVERBEARINGLY obnoxious slash frustrating slash annoying, but I still read them all. The first movie is so. much. more lame than the book - just prepare yourself for that!

LauraD said...

Good to know that my impression of the books (without doing more than idly opening one in the bookstore) is right... they're something to be avoided because the writing stinks, the characters suck, and the author (and I use that word loosely) didn't bother to get her legends straight.

Mama Bub said...

I bought Twilight and JUST Twilight to see what all of the fuss was about. I was certain I wouldn't get sucked in. Then, there I was demanding the next three books for Christmas and ignoring my family for a week while I couldn't put them down. Angsty teenagers, bad writing and all, it sucked me in. The movies? SUCK. Kristin Stewart makes Bella far, FAR more whiny than you could have ever imagined.

anne said...

You didn't mention how often the characters "mutter," making it obvious that Stephenie Meyer doesn't really know what muttering is.

But yeah, that didn't stop me from reading them all.

Jess said...

I had a boring dream too. I dreamed that I was at my host family's house in France, waiting for them to take me to the airport to go home. That was it, and it too went on and on. What's with the long waiting dreams these days?

Sahara said...

Thought you might enjoys this, if you haven't already come across it.

http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

Cayt said...

I read the first one, and the SO requested that I avoid the next three because it made me so angry.

Why did it make me so angry? Well, because it presents an emotionally abusive relationship as true love, and I think that teaching these things to children via the literature that they consume is seriously irresponsible. There are other things, but I could deal with it if it was just badly written and unimaginative. The massively unhealthy relationship presented as true love, though? I can't let that go.

Rachael Cahours Acklin said...

Oh holy crap. These books almost made me go MAD.

Emotionally abusive relationships presented as teh awesome, terrible writing, and ridiculous plot = AUUUUGH.

However. I did read the entire first book, and then the entire second book (gag), and then part of the third book before I had to stop altogether. My good friend loves them deeply, and wanted me to love them too, so I tried.

The only thing worse than the books was the movie. OMG.

....that is all. Thanks for the free soapbox, love you love your show. *MWAH*

StephLove said...

I have been wondering whether or not to read these, being a fan of horror and vampires especially, but I must say you are not making it sound very appealing.

Miss Grace said...

I highly recommend this: http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

Also I have an array of actually GOOD vampire fluffiness to recommend you.

Allison said...

Edward does entirely too much murmuring as well.

Type (little) a said...

I read Twilight and Twilight only, and it was a STRUGGLE. It was terrible. There is NO PLOT. And that could be OK, but the characters need to be interesting, and again, NOT.

My husband and I watched the movie on cable and laughed through the whole thing.

I don't need to read or see anymore to know that the whole series sucks.

Theresa said...

omg, omg! I second Sahara's comment. That link/post was hilarious... and it has a video. LOL

Fran said...

Personally I love the Twilight Saga books but I believe in true love at an early age since I met my husband in high school. I find that many people who do not like the books, did not have this type of experience in their lives. Also, if you don't care for the books, skip the movies because they are not good unless you are a Twilight junkie like I am (and even I think they are bad!!)

Mairzy said...

But you're in the PERFECT mood to review a book you hate! Um, I think that because I, of course, can't think about Twilight more than five minutes without wanting to take out a full-page ad in the paper screaming about yet another aspect of it that drives me nuts.

I came across the books before I knew they were huge, and was really looking forward to getting into them. So although I'm completely of The Room At Large's opinion of pop culture (we'd be in the same club except we refuse to join a club that lots of other people join), my dislike of Twlight wasn't influenced by its popularity. My DISGUST with Twilight is, though.

I love the occupational therapy tangent -- partly because I associate O.T. with Old Testament *first,* so I'm always thrown for a loop when somebody says she's, like, renewing her certificate in OT. I think, "You're in seminary?"

CAQuincy said...

I HATED Bella. And I'm too lazy to find the reference, but whoever said, "She doesn't get any better" is right. Personally, I think the second book is the worst of the four. And both movies have just been AWEFUL. But...like you, I choked through it--if only to get the cultural references!

Elsha said...

I liked the series, it kept me entertained, but seriously? How many times does the author say "unconsciously" when she means "subconsciously"? I feel like authors ought to have a better grasp on the English language than non-authors (ME) but apparently not.

JCF said...

I hated, hated, hated Twilight. I went back and forth during the first three books, mostly because once I start something I'm usually pretty committed. However, I only made it about halfway through the fourth book and gave up. It was so bad. So bad. I don't like reading super emotional books anyway, and those books were just thousands of pages of bad writing, teenager emotions, nay--VAMPIRE teenager emotions. I couldn't handle it.

Melissa H said...

But if you read Twilight you can understand/appreciate Cleolinda which is the FUNNIEST THING EVER (but only if you've read all four books). Her site is super confusing but here's one link and good luck clicking around from there to find what you actually want. http://cleoland.pbworks.com/Twilight#GreatMomentsinSparkleMotion

Barb @ getupandplay said...

So funny! Drool snarl SNAP!

Buster said...

I find the books oddly entertaining. I detest Bella and if Edward were a living person, I'd (to borrow a phrase from R at And you Know what Else), weiner-punch him. I don't know why I had so much fun reading about people I didn't like and mocking the books, but I did.

Becky said...

I'm behind the "if everyone else likes it, it MUST have some merit" philosophy re: pop culture (at least when it comes to books.) So, I plowed my way through ALL. FOUR. BOOKS. I wanted to claw my eyes out. The general idea was okay, but the plot was poor and it read like mediocre fanfiction. I still don't quite understand what the fuss is all about. The only thing I can figure is that there are a lot of teens SLASH middle-aged women out there who buy into the dangerous, brooding, bad-boy, "BUT I CAN FIX HIM AND HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME BECAUSE HE LOOOVES ME!" archetype. *hork*

Er, no offense to any fans out there. It's obvs. not my bag, but I couldn't get enough of V.C. Andrews back in the day. I don't even want to begin to think about what that might say about my own psyche.

Steph the WonderWorrier said...

Well, I like those books. BUT, I'm a sucker for romancey, fan-ficcy type of bullshit (and also, Vampire stuff). I never once viewed Bella and Edward's relationship as emotionally abusive until The Internet decided it was so -- I totally felt like it was gushy, teenage love crap a la Joey and Dawson (Dawson's Creek) or Buffy and Angel (Buffy). I used to read the most ridiculous drivvel on FanFic.net about those characters and their 'romances' (yes, when I was 14 years old, but whatever!). I even viewed Bella as strong-but-in-love(-and-hey-she's-a-teenager-remember) -- however, I'm not a feminist in any way and I love old-timey, Let The Man Take Care Of You A Little love stories so I guess that's why.

The movies DO suck, forget about watching them.

I recently read The Vampire Diaries books, because I really love the TV Series, and THOSE BOOKS ARE AWFUL. Fortunately the TV show doesn't really follow the books other than by using the characters names, lol. They came out way before Twilight, but I have to tell you, Twilight is MUCH BETTER than this series.

Anyway, they are really crappy and fanfic-like, but if you read Twilight KNOWING it is like that, I find the series is sort of fun to read. The first book is especially FanFic-like, the next couple of books have at least a little action to them. Yes, the fourth book was ridiculous, but whatever by that point I just wanted to read how it all concluded.

Maureen said...

I hate Twilight, because Bella is a total sap, and the whole series isn't very well written. I always want to refer the Twilight lovers to Buffy and Angel, because that is true romance. A kick ass girl, and the vampire who loves her. Not to mention very snappy and intelligent dialogue.

When I was reading Twilight, if I had to read one more time how "his skin is like marble" I thought I might puke.

Linda said...

I enjoyed the Twilight series for what it was - drivel - but I can recommend some grown up SEXY vampire books if you're into that. Much better.

Dr. Maureen said...

You forgot about how she keeps describing in great detail the meals that she cooks for her father. NO ONE CARES, BELLA. I thought the book was pretty awful. I didn't hate it, exactly, and also I'll read anything while nursing in the rocking chair because my other option is to stare at the big blank space on the wall and fantasize about what to hang there. So it was interesting enough for me to finish. But terrible writing! Terrible! I simply do not understand the popularity and have no desire or plans to read any more of them.

goingloopy said...

After I saw this website, I knew I didn't need to read the books:

http://www.popsuede.com/2009/12/twilight-saga-new-moon-review.html

There's also one for the first movie. :)

SIL Anna said...

Wait . . . you mean you DON'T want to read SEVERAL HUNDRED PAGES about a self-absorbed, humorless teenage girl and her ol'-grandpa-in-rock-skin lover? I mean, they can TOTALLY RELATE.

SURE, he might listen to a little too much Marketplace on NPR (how ELSE does a vampire make his millions?)and still wear a derby, as well as full-length long johns under all his clothes, but HEY. Old is HOT.

Uh, don't ask me how I know the books are several hundred pages.

(Or know about Marketplace.)

LoriD said...

I read the first book in 2 days last summer. It was such an easy read and I really wanted to love it. But I didn't. I hated how Bella moved in with her father and instantly took on the role of housekeeper and cook. I hated how she always needed to be saved by Edward. I wanted her to be strong and tough, but she never was. The constant references to Edward's beauty and Bella's clumsiness were just insulting.

Shawna said...

I had a friend who couldn't believe that I:
a) didn't like Bella,
b) didn't like Edward,
c) liked Jacob but thought he was a total git for mooning over Bella like he did, but
d) voraciously consumed all 4 books.

I think it had something to do with the fact that I really, honestly, did not know what was going to happen next. So I suspended my disbelief (and taste for good writing, apparently) and happily read the series.

I know many people hated the fourth book, but the only one I truly could not stand was the 2nd, by the way.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

I read about first sentences of the first book and chucked it. I rented the movie one night and somehow stuck it out till the end (my husband was completely amazed having only made it through 10 minutes-tops). Hated him, her and it. I am done!

Jaci said...

I also thought the Twilight series was horrible, but I still read them like I was snorting crack. What can I say? Cliffhangers are addictive.

Believe it or not, the first book is the only good one. I know, I know, you're thinking "There's no way this is the best of the bunch!" but sadly, it's all too true. Bella can make the most mild mannered woman turn into a raging feminist screaming at her to grow a pair and learn that life doesn't revolve around a man.

I need to stop now. Talking about Twilight gets me riled up!

Party of 5 said...

Completely unrelated to the book topic, I'm interested in your moods. You sound like me! I've been to my OB twice and am finally finding relief. Age, lots of kids, hormones out of control... it all caught up with me and I was irrationally mad off and on for months. Not to get all personal but if you haven't sought help, do! And it doesn't have to be all prozac-y and stuff.

Superjules said...

If you're still reading because you think there's a possibility Bella and Edward might ever ACTUALLY GET IT ON you can stop now....

Misty said...

I am most likely not going to read Twilight. I get my panties in a wad over weak female leads in general, and the consensus is that Bella is particularly trying in this sense.

Plus I hate vampires. I wouldn't read them if she was a kick-ass strong feminist who told Edward or Jacob or whoever where to get off. Well, maybe then.

Have you seen Anne Nahm's peep version of Twilight? OMG, so funny.

bessieviola said...

Love, love, LOVE this post. I too absolutely HATED Twilight but I read them all, just the better to mock. Honestly, Bella is terrible, Edward is an abuser, the whole thing is just so effed. (I'd say don't get me started, but too late for that).

Strangely, I am compelled to now see all the movies as well. You can't say that I don't see a thing through. :)

Maggie said...

Well I am a sucker for vampire stuff in general (also zombies, but that's not relevant) so I read Twilight and was pretty irritated by it. Still, it was an easy read and as long as I didn't think about it too much, I could manage it even though the vampires sparkling thing actually made me bark with laughter. The movie on the other hand was terrible. Oh my god, there is 90 minutes of my life I'm going to want back when I'm on my deathbed.

Farrell said...

I read the first twilight book because I wanted to see what all the hype was about and I never like to miss out on anything (or feeling like I'm "missing out" on some big thing) but I got to tell you, I wasn't impressed. Which is weird, because I LOVE tween things - from movies to books to whatever. I LOVED the Harry Potter movies, etc.

*shrug* oh well.

Livinia Redlips said...

I got about 3/4 of the way through the first book...watch the movie(s) instead.

My 9 year old daughter loved (all) the books - she plowed through them.

That Edward is sort of sexxxy though, but only when he scowls.

Nellyru said...

Mmmmm...Edward! *swoon*
I mean, uh, what?? Yeah, I really didn't much like those Twilight books, either! (cough cough)

Jennifer said...

Couldn't finish book 1 of Twilight, which is rare for me. I'll finish most anything, really, and I'm a big fan of fantasy & vampire stuff. I didn't hate it, and could see where the cultural fascination was coming from. The writing style left me cold.

And though I too was a dorky uncoordinated teenager who changed high schools, that was the extent of my identification with Bella. I just didn't care about whether or not she got eaten. All the other characters seemed to loooove her, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why, aside from the fact that apparently she'd be a particularly tasty meal.

However, I read a FANTASTIC book right afterward also geared toward the teen/tween market: The Hunger Games. Absolutely Fabulous. Um, if you like dystopian post-apocalyptic stories. For teenagers. Dark, well written, incredibly satisfying, great heroine, solid story with good moral questions thrown in. Can't recommend it enough!

Caution: though it will only take 4 or 5 hours to read, you will be able to do little else once you start Hunger Games.

Kim said...

I hate when there's a big trendy book or series that comes out that people who normally don't ever read go gaga over - I fought Harry Potter for three years. But then I gave in and realized what I was missing. So I did the same thing with this, but learned I was missing not a damn thing.

Serial Mommy said...

I've read all the books. My 12 year old wanted to read them so I read them so I would know what was in them. I HATED them. Ugh, I get enough "teenage angst" without wanting to read it too! Here is a link for you, not sure if someone posted it or not. It might have some mild swearing in it, but it's from G4 TV so it can't be too bad. Enjoy, I know I did.

http://g4tv.com/videos/41784/Kevin-Pereira--Olivia-Munns-Twilight-Spoof/