You know what is SUPER AWESOME for a new diet? Food poisoning! Yes! I highly recommend it! Because you will feel full/queasy all Thursday afternoon/evening, and then you will start barfing Thursday night, which, not to be gross but it will take care of any Doritos Indiscretion you may have recently succumbed to. And then you will eat nothing at all on Friday, and on Saturday you will be like a tiny weak kitten, barely managing a banana for breakfast! Not that kittens eat bananas, but you understand this analogy stretches only so far. Like, half a sentence to be precise.
But here is the problem: Your significant other, after doing a memorably fantastic and praiseworthy job coming home early from work on Friday unasked, and handling EVERYTHING while you doze queasily in a recliner, will feel entitled to his/her OWN day of rest, and will spend the day "sick" with an imperceptible Man Cold in the recliner, watching movies while YOU, barely recovered and still somewhat weak, run yourself ragged handling everything, while he/she (but let's face it, I think we are mostly talking about HE) keeps calling out instructions right before you do things on your own, in a manner uncannily reminiscent of your late mother-in-law! Until you finally have to say to him, "Being sick and leaving me to handle everything? Fine. Bossing me from your recliner? NOT FINE." And then he acts HURT, FTLOG. And meanwhile you are fading fast because you are still not completely up to par.
But do you know what? You probably lost a pound! or maybe two, if you count water weight! And as we all know from fashion magazines, there is NO MISERY that outweighs a reduction in your GD WEIGHT!! Because excess body weight is EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!!!!
Also! As a general note! If a person is too sick to do the regular work of child/household maintenance during the day, he/she is too sick to suddenly start messing around on the computer at night! THIS SHOULD BE AN OBVIOUS FACT. Seven o'clock is not The Magical Hour of Recovery!
And also! If you are thinking of telling me how lucky I should feel that my husband is sick and bossing me from a recliner rather than DEAD or CHEATING, I suggest you RETHINK IT. Because I am pretty sure I can still muster up the energy to BARF DOWN YOUR SHIRT!
Life-improving products, part 4 - (Continued from part 1, part 2, and part 3.) Stearns Youth Life Vest (photo from Amazon.com). I’d been too scared to take the kids to any body of water oth...