I have been so cranky! So terribly cranky! I am moping around feeling incompatible with the beautiful spring sunshine.
I am working on soothing it through the acquisition of material possessions. Look at my pretty rings!
What's prettier, the rings or the clearance stickers? Two of them are "cocktail rings," and six of them are for everyday glamor. (I think it should be spelled "glamour." Why is spellchecker arguing with me? Does it WANT to pick a fight?) I am wearing a deep plum flower ring right now. I am waiting to feel better. I do feel a LITTLE better.
I am also a little tipsy, because when material possessions didn't work I turned to liquor. I mean, obv: first step shopping, second step booze, that is the sequence of events. Still cranky, though. Still feeling as if the world is populated by difficult and unreasonable people who honk when you're stopped at a crosswalk because they assume you're an idiot who would stop in the middle of the road for no reason.
How can I be feeling TOTALLY OVERWHELMED by children and really VERY GLAD to see the caboose heading through the milestones---and also still longing for JUST ONE MORE? I had a dream that I was pregnant with another boy, and that he was due on my birthday but we'd waited until just 2 months before the birth to tell everyone. I woke up thinking of baby names. Oliver Frederick. Simon Pearce. Oliver Pearce. Simon Perry. Sigh. Sadness. No one to use the names on. Paul says we can use the names on cats, but that doesn't satisfy at all.
Soon we'll get a kitten. That will help briefly.
I've wanted to increase my exercise with this diet I'm on, but instead I've decreased. I'm down to two times a week. And when I do exercise I feel tired and angry, before and after. I wait for the satisfaction of having done it, and instead I feel worn out and unpleasantly sweaty and like a pawn of stupid social pressure.
I took a pregnancy test today, even, because I've been so tired and cranky and queasy. Negative. Okay, I just went to the trash and dug it out to make sure it was still negative. (Still negative.)
What else could explain the tiredness, the queasiness, the salt cravings, the UNIVERSAL MALAISE? Oh no, is it Teh Pre-Menopause?? Surely not yet. And yet the fact of it looming on the horizon, the hot flashes and the boob squashing, the knowledge that babies through biological means are no longer an option---well. I don't want to think of it. I want to flush the Pill and add to my exhaustion and stress. No I don't. Yes I do. No I don't. Yes I do.
Giving things away: not working. Exercise: not working. Eating better: not working. Taking time away from he computer: not working. Shopping: not working. Cuddling the children: not working. Counting blessings: not working. Being mad at everyone in the world: not working. If you suggest religion or yoga I swear I will scream right in your ear until the ringing is permanent.
I have new shoes! I have warm cats! I have a solo trip to see my niece coming up in a month! I have eight pounds of chocolate-covered dried cherries! I have nothing to be sad about except what looms theoretically in my future! Yes, well, I told that to my psyche and it threw a vase at my head.
Life-improving products, part 4 - (Continued from part 1, part 2, and part 3.) Stearns Youth Life Vest (photo from Amazon.com). I’d been too scared to take the kids to any body of water oth...