Dear Swoopy Lane-Changer,
Oh hi! It's me again! Are you noticing how even though I am staying in my lane in my boring old minivan and you are impatiently zig-zooming and nearly causing accidents and making everyone feel tense with your unconcealed impatience and your racy little car, we're still seeing each other at every single traffic light? I'M sure noticing it.
Would you mind taking some responsibility for your own personal safety? I am very good at stopping for you when you are in crosswalks. I am very good at driving slowly and staying well away from you when you are walking in parking lots. Lucky for YOU, I am also good at stopping for you and staying away from you when you are crossing 20 feet down the road from a crosswalk, or walking slowly up the center of the parking lot aisle while talking on the phone, or crossing with a stroller without even glancing up to make sure I see you---but I fantasize about stopping the car and giving you a firm lecture about physics including a little visual with a toy car and a grape.
For God's Sake,
Dear Elderly Gentleman,
Oh, sorry, am I caring for the next generation in the same store where you wanted to shop all by yourself? I'm super sorry that the species not only has to continue after YOU were born but ALSO needs to shop for toilet paper on a weekday morning!
Staying off your lawn,
You want to keep whining? Fine, we are canceling Christmas.
Dear Single Man,
Look around you at this food court. There are tables for 2, 4, or 6 people. You are sitting by yourself at a table for 6, even though there are tons of tables for 2 or for 4 and only four tables for 6, three of which are occupied by families with several children. Use your head, Fred.
Four of us joining you in five minutes if you haven't left,
Dear Food Court Janitorial Staff,
I appreciate your work, and I understand that the food court is a neverending stream of mess-making customers and that you need to keep working the whole time to make things run smoothly. Still, I want you to stop sweeping at our feet while we're eating. It's icky, and it brings conversation to an awkward halt, and it makes me feel like you're making a rude point.
Dear Lady With the Cart,
Listen, I totally understand the accidental series of events that ends up with your cart in the middle of the aisle and you looking at something over at the other end of the aisle. I've done that myself a time or two, when someone was in the way and I just needed to grab something and then I got distracted by a decision, and then there was I and there was my cart. But hi! I have been standing here really obviously with a passel of LOUD children: you can't possibly have failed to notice us, but you're just standing there considering the pretzels. Let me give the script: YOU say, "Oh, ha ha ha, sorry about that, I was off in my own little world!" and I say, "Oh, ha ha ha, don't worry about it, I do it all the time!" Then you MOVE YOUR CART OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE.
Love and also MOVE IT SISTER,
Dear 89 Dollars,
Goodbye, sweethearts. I hope you have a good life in your new home.
Life-improving products, part 4 - (Continued from part 1, part 2, and part 3.) Stearns Youth Life Vest (photo from Amazon.com). I’d been too scared to take the kids to any body of water oth...