October 19, 2009

Or Possibly Yes

Today I am reasoning with myself about Paul.

When he puts away the muffins, and he chooses from the large pile of gallon-sized zip bags one of the ones I use for muffin mix (visibly coated with white powder) (also LABELED IN PERMANENT MARKER), so that all the muffins in the bag are finely dusted with baking soda and flour and spices unrelated to themselves, does this mean he is blind as well as stupid? No.

When he reorganizes the basement, and now the boxes of handmedowns are in "the order he grabbed them" rather than in order by size, and when in fact he has made TEETERING STACKS of boxes so that if I need the size 4-5 long-sleeved shirts for Edward I first need to lift off FIVE BINS, the top one of which is higher than my head, does this mean Paul is a bad husband and father? No.

When he tidies up by putting a whole bunch of papers into the recycling bin without bothering to glance at what those papers ARE, and when some of the papers are Rob's homework and some are my Dunkin' Donuts coupons, does this mean I should divorce him and file for full custody? No.

When he goes to the store and comes home with weird specialized versions of things we buy in their normal versions ALL THE TIME (golden flaxseed meal instead of regular, large elbow macaroni instead of regular, canned pumpkin pie filling instead of canned pumpkin), does this mean my life is nothing but one long torment? No.

When I come home from the store where I have been purchasing the grocery items they "didn't have" (which are all right where they usually are), and he says, "Oh, I need Tabasco sauce," does this mean the only solution is human sacrifice? No.

72 comments:

d e v a n said...

hehe - I know the feeling. All those little things can be so irritating, even if they are just little things.

Julie said...

I am more impressed by the fact that you have a husband who actually puts away muffins and organizes things and goes to the store, etc., even if its not the same way you do. But many, many men never do anything. So, I guess you're pretty lucky.

Leeann said...

It's a man thing. We love them but they simply can't be trusted to do things RIGHT!

Swistle said...

Julie- I think men are very lucky if they get to be compared to the lowest common denominator rather than to reasonable adult standards of competence.

Nowheymama said...

I love this post, and your follow-up comment above.

bat7mess said...

I go through this same scenario in my head all the time. One side of my brain says what Julie said and the other side responds with your response to her. It all makes me wish for a wife very badly. Men just don't GET IT. Oh, and LOVE the title of this post.

Joanne said...

Ugh, I have to refuse to be happy because someone does something very crappily. Well, an adult someone, I guess I mean. I make exceptions for the children around here all the time, I can't/won't make them for the only other grownup in the house. To wit: the toddler girl spilled a bag of pasta the other day in the kitchen. I started to clean it up and my sweet husband said he'd sweep it up and I believed him. I then spent the next FIVE days finding pasta in the far reach of every corner of the kitchen. I could have done it ONE TIME and never seen that damned pasta again, but I didn't, because I got 'help'. Not helpful!, I'm always crowing. But it's like you say, and thanks for the reminder - it's not a reason for divorce, or murder. Yet. :)

Mimi said...

Oh, I love this post. So, so VERY much.

The Gori Wife said...

Oh, Swistle. This was hilarious. I swear, I think you are my favorite blog writer and I save you for last in my google reader. (Because, like you, I save the last bits of the good shampoo for special occasions and such. Always saving the best for last!)

But re: the post, here's what I don't get - they are ADULTS and competent and have JOBS at which they must be on top of things, and yet they somehow manage to function without these kinds of foibles? So why when they get home to they turn into helpless imbeciles? Maybe for just a week or so we should do all the same crap they pull to THEM with things that are important to just them. Like putting his science magazines in the recycling because "oh, I thought it was last months?" and putting his laundry away all screwed up so all his clean underwear are in the third drawer down underneath the swim trunks and short sleeved shirts.

kakaty said...

When my husband tells me that he is taking over the laundry duties while I'm prego and then 1) dries my un-dryable clothes 2) forgets to wash things over the weekend that need to go back to daycare on Monday and 3) thinks that finishing laundry means continuing to pile the dry but unfolded clothes on top of the dryer until the now wrinkled pile topples over into the dusty, linty abyss behind the dryer does this mean he never evolved beyond Cro-Magnon? Perhaps.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

I have a theory that husbands get less competent after marriage because they can afford to let those skills slide. I can tell my husband where to find something exactly (as in, which cupboard, which shelf) and he will come back to me and say he couldn't find it. So then I have to stop whatever I'm doing (usually NURSING THE BABY the job that only I can do in this marriage) to go find it in the EXACT PLACE I SAID IT WAS! To his credit, he's admitted that he's an idiot after such instances. :)

clueless but hopeful mama said...

"...does this mean that my life is nothing but one long torment?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I vacillate between giving my husband too much credit (He located the ketchup! Brilliant! HELPFUL!) and wondering how long it would take him to starve to death or fall into a filth-ridden homelessness without me around.

Swistle said...

The Gori Wife- Oh, yessssssss. And from the store, I could inexplicably bring home the chipotle Tabasco sauce he hates instead of the regular kind he asked for, and then act all hurt and offended that he expected me to get the right thing, and then I could say he should be grateful he has a wife who GOES TO THE STORE AT ALL!

Marie Green said...

Yesterday I was out of creamer (which is near-emergency status for me) and David offered to go pick some up for me. Awwww. But then he took- true effing story- ONE AND ONE HALF HOURS to return with said creamer. Meanwhile I'm pacing and frustrated and just wanting some morning coffee, ya know?

When he returns, HERO OF THE DAY, and I mention that YES we STILL need to do our weekend chores, he's perplexed. If it was so important to me, why didn't I at least get a healthy start on them while he was out SAVING ME by spending 1 1/2 hours getting my creamer.

Because I needed some coffee first, GENIUS, that's why!

Jen said...

I love your response in the comments. I have to tell myself all the time not to get too irrationally angry about little things and to save it for the important things. But still. My biggest pet peeve is having to tell him to do everything. It makes me feel like such a nagging mom but it is the only way he will comprehend that I need help with getting things done. He claims not to mind but ugh, I already have a child. I don't need two.

Lawyerish said...

"Does this mean that my life is nothing but one long torment?" That KILLED me.

What is it that makes perfectly common groceries disappear from the shelves when men do the shopping?

Anonymous said...

You must be living with my husband. This stuff makes me nuts all the time. He always thinks I am being mean. I on the other hand have to put my hand on my head to hold my brains in so they don't fly out. ERRRRRRRRRRRR!

-R- said...

When I was going through some post-partum stuff, I seriously thought I was going to have to divorce my husband because of these types of things. I have now moved on to only occasionally contemplating divorce.

Jenni said...

however, all of these things do mean that he is slowly driving you insane.

also, i think we have the same husband, and i've been marinating a similar post. i often think my husband does the very least amount possible so that he can consider himself "contributing" to keeping up the household, and that what he does do is half assed. yes, half assed is better then zero assed, but it still makes me nuts.

Jenni said...

@Gori Wife - I have a secret theory that they do things wrong intentionally so that they will no longer be asked to help out. Before we had a washer/dryer in house, my husband left and entire load of almost exclusively my laundry at the laundromat and I didn't realize it for three days. I lost almost all my stuff, and he was like "SIGH. Well, I guess I shouldn't do laundry by myself anymore," and I was like, "No, that's all right. I'll just keep buying new clothes."

It never happened again.

may said...

I'm really, really glad I reread the title after I finished reading this post. : )

cindy kay said...

Why is it that if I have to be gone over a meal time I can leave food ON THE TABLE, and he won't eat it till I get home hours later?? And yet, on the other hand, I can be in full swing making supper, and he'll be scrounging around the kitchen snacking on whatever odd things he can find to eat. And they think WE'RE incomprehensible and illogical....

Julie said...

Swistle - he SHOULD be happy he has a wife that goes to the store at all. I agree that they should be held to adult standards - don't get me wrong. My husband has a looonnnng line of irritating stupidities that he imposes upon me regularly. My only point is that, when I'm feeling like that, I try to remind myself of how much terribly worse he COULD be, (given the horrific behavior of many of my friend's husbands) and then balance it with things like how great a daddy he is and how mellow and patient and sweet tempered he is. Then I don't feel so bad.

Also, (and I would never admit this to him, ever, ever, ever) I do stupid stuff that I should figure out, and he pulls out the same male-female argument. Examples - backing over the sprinkler heads and breaking them, parking crooked in the garage, not emptying the kitchen garbage until it is overflowing, etc.

marybt said...

One time I went to the grocery store and spent $150. I proceeded to carry all those groceries up the stairs and to the kitchen.

While I was putting them away, my husband walked in the front door, TRIPPED OVER A COUPLE GROCERY BAGS, and asked me if we had anything to eat.

He was totally serious and human sacrifice did seem like a viable option.

Clarabella said...

I once broke up with a boy partly* because, upon offering to grab me a snack in a convenience store, he came back with salt&vinegar chips & apple juice, two things he KNEW I abhorred but he liked. We had been dating plenty long enough for him to know better.
(partly* meaning this was just the tip of the iceberg of things he chose NOT to know about me)
I find myself reasoning with myself about my partner quite often. When I was pregnant, I skipped the reasoning. It was the one time in our relationship I NEVER felt guilty/bad/naggy about just telling him how irritating it was when he didn't get things right. I figured if I could carry and deliver his child, he could correctly take out the garbage (like ALL the way out, not just to the back door for 12 hours). He never complained but I've been back to inner-reasoning since our son was about 6 months old.

Kristi said...

This post is poetry.

Anonymous said...

You absolutely nailed this one.

Can I please add - Just because he used my fingernail brush to scrub the gunk from the shower drain...

GAH!

Saly said...

Hee!! I often tell myself, when finding Liv's clothes (that are WAY smaller) intermingled with Lucy's "well, at least he DOES laundry." or when finding last night's dinner crusted to "clean" dishes "well at least he DOES dishes." It helps. Some.

Beth said...

Swistle- I LOVE your response to Julie above. Women are NOT "lucky" to have husbands who do household chores, care for children, shop, etc. These things are called LIFE SKILLS. NO ONE would EVER tell a man he is LUCKY to have a wife who changes diapers, cooks meals, shops, goes to work, etc.
Why is it that men are treated as such precious beings, who are so SPECIAL if they do their own laundry, while women are EXPECTED to do these things, as if it is a special skill that comes with the vagina???
If my MIL tells me again that I am "lucky" that my husband changes his OWN KID'S diaper I will remind her how lucky he is that I do the same.
If women marry men who are unable to care for themselves as competnet adults that is their mistake, and I don't want to be reminded how easy I have it because my MALE partner cleans the bathroom (he lives here, too, right?)

Alias Mother said...

Hee. Heeeeee.

For my own sake in the lucky-or-not debate, I try to judge whether I am annoyed because he didn't do things exactly like I like them done, or because he did something that was just stupid.

Example of the first: he puts the salt back in the wrong place because he uses the salt by the stove, while I use the salt by baking center. Not wrong, necessarily, just not my preference.

Example of the second: he "cleans up" the kitchen after dinner but neglects half the dishes and leaves gross stickiness on the table. WRONG and up for mockery.

Kathy said...

My husband... dear god man, learn to use the vacuum! I hate coming home from work on his day off and finding cheerios on the floor that have been there since breakfast, sandwich crusts that have been there since lunch, and gold fish crackers that have been there since snack time! GAH!

Also, somewhat related, never, ever, ever have carpet in the dining room--if we weren't renting this house, that stuff would be GONE.

Swistle said...

Alias Mother- AGREE. If he goes through the grocery store in a different order than I do, or if he prefers a different brand, or if he doesn't price-compare, or if he would rather not monitor sales, I clench my teeth and keep my talker OFF. If he comes home without half the things we need and with a bunch of incorrect items, that's not "his own way of doing it," that's "the WRONG way to do it."

Cookie said...

I have the same type of arguments in my head about my husband too. Like when he suddenly realizes that the boys need lunch, when he's been downstairs with the boys playing video games and I've been upstairs doing laundry, making beds, cleaning humidifiers, ironing, organizing the top of our dressers, ect. And then he looks at me like why haven't I fixed them anything? Or when he goes grocery shopping , with a list, and then forgets to pick up something I need (and always get), and then I have to go back out and get it.

Also, I love Beth's comment above.

Linda said...

Hilarious.

It amuses my husband to no end that he's given SO MUCH CREDIT for doing regular, adult tasks that we all should be capable of. The older ladies in his family GUSH OVER HIM when he brings our kids somewhere without me, changes a diaper, plays with a child . . . they praise him as "such an involved father!"

Jennifer H said...

I talk to my husband a lot about, "working against me". That is exactly how it feels sometimes... we should be a team in our family, but instead he is working against me - in similar ways to what you've described above. It was tolerable before we had a child, but add a kid into the mix, and I can only tolerate LITTLE people working against me. On the very serious side, I know that criticizing him is not good for him, me or our son. I have not yet found a way to voice my frustration in a way the builds him up rather than tears him down.

Swistle said...

Jennifer H- I can recommend venting on an anonymous blog! I end up laughing at what everyone else says, and feeling much better about the whole thing.

Leah said...

LOVE you Swistle.

Also, not telling your wife until saturday afternoon that your whole family is coming over on Sunday to celebrate FIL's birthday (when the wife's birthday is on Monday and only gets the barest mention from anyone) then saying that you'll take the toddler to Target on Sunday so she can clean but not actually getting your butt in gear to go for TWO MORE HOURS after you said you would and therefore missing the baby's morning nap and the potential kid-free cleaning time...

I don't even think I'm making any sense anymore, I just had to vent incoherently.

Julie said...

Beth - I didn't say men shouldn't do household chores or care for children, or that they should be treated as precious beings. I am of the opinion that men and women should share responsibilities equally. However, right or wrong, there are many, many men that still don't do this, and to be in the group of women who are able to snag one that does is still, in my opinion, a little lucky. As I also stated, there is a difference between them not doing things and them not doing things the way you would do them. And for every item I could list about my husband, I'm sure he could match something about me that doesn't meet his expectations. Oh, and I tell him all the time that he's lucky to have a wife who changes diapers, cooks meals, shops, goes to work, etc. I tell his parents that, too.

HollyLynne said...

Oh, husbands. I'm still figuring out where mine's strengths are (cleaning floors, kitchen counters) and where they aren't (grocery shopping, remembering which items CANNOT GO IN THE DISHWASHER).

Beth said...

Regarding Julie's last post: yes, men and women should equally be considerate and thoughtful about sharing responsibility for household chores, childcare, etc. and for feeling equally lucky to have found respectful considerate mates.

OF COURSE this is not always the case, not even in the best of marriages or between the MOST mature and loving adults.

HOWEVER: I did not "snag" one of the few men who share life's chores equally. i CHOSE to marry a man who is evolved, mature and responsible. (is he perfect? OF COURSE NOT). this is the one thing i hope to pass to my own daugher: choose your life partner wisely. pick someone who is respectful and mature. pick a fully formed adult, someone who is independent and thoughtful.

i also think that a lot of women enable their spouses to be "helpless" because they LIKE to be the ones who "know" everything, who run the show. it does not take any sort of special education to clean the bathroom or change a diaper or make a meal.

Anonymous said...

As much as I feel like jumping on this train, sometimes this is what helps me:

We as women focus on these things. Daily chores. Men... do not. Bachelor pad, see? Men have their priorities elsewhere, and WE as women usually fall miserably short on their desires too. Like, for example: how many times a week do you give him blow jobs? Or do a strip tease? My guess is not that often, and not just cause the kids make it hard.

He would probably be ecstatic if you decided the house could go to pot a little more while you spent more time doing things together (and I don't just mean in bed).

We drive them nuts with our mood swings. With other things too, but they bear it with good natured patience most of the time, right?

So on the whole guys aren't as quick to work as women are - but they'd do it. It's just that we jump to it first.

And yes, it's annoying.

Erin said...

I love this post. I do the same thing in my own brain every day. I have to keep reminding myself "it's better to feel five seconds of frustration and do it myself than to spend five hours arguing about it and then still end up having to do it myself anyway."

Thankfully, currently I only have petty things to be irritated about (seriously dude, how damn hard is it to put the spoon into the sink instead of leaving it on the counter?). My husband was raised in a family where the men did NOTHING for themselves (okay, they wiped their own bums in the bathroom but that's about it). My FIL still refuses to fill his own plate at dinner. Anytime I get frustrated with my husband I think about my FIL and think "well at least he's better than him!"

Julie said...

Beth - agreed, agreed, on everything you said. I'm trying to teach my little son to eventually be that mature, evolved, thoughtful person, although he is only 2. I think we basically feel the same way. Although, to clarify, by SNAG I meant CHOOSE. By saying snag I mean to imply that it can be difficult to find this type of man to choose to marry.

Swistle said...

Anonymous- I don't think ANYONE disagrees that women also drive men crazy, or that women fall short of men's expectations. But...strip teases? I'm not complaining that Paul doesn't bring me flowers and give me massages, I'm saying that when he washes dishes there is still food on them. It seems to me these examples come from entirely different categories.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I know the feeling.

Miss Grace said...

Or possibly yes. But probably no.

The Gori Wife said...

To Anonymous - barfity barf barf barf. We "as women" don't necessarily focus on anything and that kind of statement is just as sexist as the term "women's work." There is nothing essential about women that makes doing a chore efficiently and correctly easier that a man. I am a far worse house cleaner than my husband - and I consistently have my "priorities elsewhere". When we were dating, my apartment looked like the bachelor pad and his was always clean. He is the one who wants to clean up the dishes after dinner while I am the one who wants to cuddle on the couch together saying "I'll take care of that tomorrow morning." But when I go shopping, I don't buy the wrong kind of cereal. Gender does not equal paying attention to the task at hand and completing it as required. Too often I think men believe these kind of excuses and therefore think all they have to do is go shopping and they're heroes, regardless of what crap they bring home in their bags.

Michelle said...

That is the conversation I have when I'm PMSing. Obviously he isn't a f*cking moron because you married him in the first place. Sometimes they just act that way.

Stacia said...

Anonymouses "women and their mood swings" comment above reminds me of what men on a mostly-male-dominated forum I go to always say. They insist women deliberately baby their spouses so they can get control, that women are irrational and use "mood swings" to excuse terrible behavior. They also say TV commercials "indoctrinate" men into acting like children while women boss them around. Apparently, there's a yogurt commercial that REALLY upsets these guys. Heh.

I'm also reminded of a Wanda Sykes joke, where she said when she got married (to a man, she later divorced him) he told her he was out of clean underwear. "You'd better do some laundry then," was her reply. She also said he was welcome to borrow some of her laundry to tide him over if he needed, but she wasn't about to do his underwear when he had been capable of running a washing machine when he was a bachelor.

It's funny because it's true.

Kim said...

If I didn't like dick so much, I would now be partnered to a woman for all the reasons listed above and more. However, I do have one tip to help put it all into perspective regarding issues with your current husband. Hang out with your selfish, narcissistic, annoying ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend (who is very nice and will hopefully wise up before it's too late) for a few days. I promise you'll appreciate the hell out of your man after some of that action. After the camping trip we took this weekend, Brian seems like king of the world.

Anonymous said...

"adult" way? You mean "your way." That's never a fair standard.

Enniferjay said...

Ah, I was having similar thoughts this morning with --Oh good, he did the laundry. Too bad he neglected to dry them. And too bad he didn't check for hidden pull-ups before washing.

TJ said...

In my home, this torment seems to go both ways (though HE is a bit SENSITIVE if you ask me).

And the response is always the same.

"Why do you hate me SO! MUCH!"

Swistle said...

Anonymous- I completely agree! And, as you can see, in this case, "adult way = my way" is NOT what I mean. I mean "adult way = the way that results in the chore being done the way all adults would agree it could be called 'done'"---that is, dishes can be washed via ANY method, as long as they come out the other end with NO FOOD ON THEM. You'll notice I don't complain about which WAY Paul wants to do chores, but I think we can agree that HOWEVER he does them, at the end the result should be "done" not "not done." THAT is what I consider "the adult way."

If he recycles our child's homework, is that "doing it his way"? No. It is doing it the WRONG way. If he buys pumpkin pie filling instead of pumpkin, is that "doing it his way"? No. It is doing it the WRONG way.

I think men have really latched on to the whole injured "She wants me to do it HER WAY" thing, so that they no longer pay any attention to whether that's the issue at stake or not. In this case, it's not. I talked about this more in an earlier comment too.

cakeburnette said...

Who ARE these women who think food on "washed" dishes is acceptable? ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I love your example of getting Paul the wrong Tabasco. Pure genius. I also love the woman who told her husband he could continue to screw up her laundry and she'd just buy new clothes. I had to do the same thing with my VS bras. Hubby ruined several by putting them in the dryer. I told him repeatedly (as did his own step-mom) that bras should never go in the dryer. I off-hand mentioned to a VS saleslady that my bras were doing something strange and she asked if I dried them. I said that I did not, but if SOMEONE did, would that be the cause of the edges turning out the wrong way and she said YES, and that that is EXACTLY why they say to air-dry them. I promptly replaced all of the bras that he had ruined, plus some extras that were pretty, just for good measure and gave him the receipt when I got home. Told him to go ahead and continue drying my bras in the dryer and I'd keep on replacing them. Funny, he NEVER puts any of mine (or now the daughter's) in there anymore!

My husband and I are "lucky" to have found each other. I am allergic to grass, and thus cannot do any type of yardwork--he loves yardwork! I like doing laundry (most of the time)--he hates it and does it poorly. He loves to cook--I hate it, but I love to clean the kitchen and do dishes, which he hates! We make a good team most of the time and I like to believe that we both appreciate the other's strengths that compliment our weaknesses. But my luckiness, as you so aptly put it, does not mean that I should overlook any suckiness and all of the things you outlined in your post definitely fall under "suckiness."

Amanda said...

I frequently ask my husband how he gets through an entire day of work without me there to find everything for him *eye roll*. Why DO they think they can half-ass everything once they step inside the door of their home? There must be a scientific reason for this.

Anonymous said...

hysterical. i am weeping.

bluedaisy said...

Men do things in a wacky (or flat out WRONG) way so we don't keep asking them to do stuff. I already told my husband that is bull**** and that a certain amount of equity is necessary for house stuff. He gets it, he's just unmotivated.
I don't care if it is a my way/his way thing--even in that realm, there are some things that can slide and there are some things that need to be done in a consistent way. That bin stacking example?? OMG, they need to be ACCESSIBLE...I would have requested a do-over with my supervision...because I will be the one looking for the those clothes.
That's fine if some people have all day to work around disorganization or make multiple grocery store trips but I personally do not--I am imagining most of us don't...it's so hard for me to keep things orderly that when I do have something that is "right", damn straight I want to keep in that way. BTW, you were totally clear in your other post!! Rock on Swistle!!

Kittylover said...

Nowhere in your post did you mention "dishes with food on them considered 'washed'."

Because that is, of course, WRONG. Dishes washed == No food on dishes. Any other way is wrong.

In my opinion, though, you're blowing some of these things out of proportion.

The stacking of boxes? His way. Not yours. Nothing "wrong" with the way he did it, except that it's not ordered for YOU. They're moved. If you wanted it done a specific way, TELL HIM. He is not a mind reader.

Same goes for "muffin mix" bags-- you can coach him to look for empty, clean-looking bags with no writing on them. He did it HIS way, which wasn't YOUR way, you have a purpose for those mix bags but he doesn't, so he didn't notice. He thinks: Muffins saved from spoiling. You think: OMG muffins coated with mix! Gross! But it wasn't necessarily WRONG in the big scheme of things. Coaching should fix this. No need for bodily harm.

Also, groceries from the store. Did you write down the express brand, style, size of the items? If so, you can be royally pissed, not that it'll change anything in his behavior. In my experience, as one who does write down all the info-- husband still grabs the "wrong" thing if he feels like it. But if you didn't, then here we go again: He is no mind reader. Spell it out or shut UP. End of the world? Certainly not. You can return food products. Make him return the shit that was wrong, and send him with a full list of what is right to get.

Recycling: Yes, he did it the wrong way. Sorting is always a part of recycling. But perhaps he needs to be coached, needs to call you and ask if any of these things he's about to recycle are important to you or others.

Tabasco sauce: WRONG WAY. If he wants it, he can pick it up himself, since he was just AT the store.

My two cents: Come up with solutions instead of WHINING so MUCH about everything. Handling spouse's ineptitude: You're doing it WRONG, IMHO.

Swistle said...

Kittylover- Was the WHOLE POINT of my post not that I was putting it in perspective? Again and again I listed an annoying example, followed by a question such as "Is this such a big deal?" followed by "No."

Also, are you perhaps not aware that 14 years of "coaching" have already gone into this man?

Also, you are really an ass. I'm not sure you've noticed, and you did say to spell it out or else shut up.

Jess said...

This post provided me with some great perspective. I get annoyed when Torsten does things wrong (and yes they are WRONG like forgetting to bring half the things on the grocery list when he goes to the store and not changing his address within the required amount of time on his green card application within the mandated time period), but these examples make me feel better about those things. He is forgetful and sometimes oblivious. He doesn't notice details. But he isn't UNREASONABLE. He would never create a huge, randomly ordered pile of boxes for me to sort through later, and he would never recycle papers without sorting through them first.

Also, to address kittylover's comment about how you're doing it WRONG because you're not "coaching" him? That is another way of saying this is "my way" vs. "his way" instead of "right" vs. "wrong." Why is it YOUR JOB to teach your husband to, you know, not throw away important things, not create disorganized havoc in the house and expect you to deal with it, and buy the same household goods that your family has been using for the past 14 years? These are simple tasks that should not require "coaching."

Michelle said...

I love you more than my luggage for your response to Kitty Lover. Seriously.

Kittylover said...

Ok, the whole point of your post is that you FELT like killing him. That's what the title is for, that's what the series of examples were for.

Sure, you were rationalizing, but living with another person requires patience. And coaching. He doesn't do the same things in the house that you do all day, my guess is his workday doesn't involve putting away muffins or carefully ordering boxes of clothing.

NOWHERE in your post did you mention the dishes. That is obviously wrong. But now you bring it up as if that is what we're all saying, that unwashed dishes are unacceptable.

Your bitching is unacceptable.

Clarabella said...

@kittylover: then GO. AWAY. And shut UP.

Swistle said...

Oh, Kittylover. One reason I brought up the dishes thing as a fresh example (though I have mentioned them so many times before in so many previous entries) is that some people, not to mention any names, were unable to grasp the subtleties of why it was Wrong (not just His Way) for him to throw out a child's homework.

Your lashing out is crazy, like you are just DETERMINED to disagree with me no matter WHAT I say. You say things that are based on nothing you've ever read here, or things you are imagining that make no sense in the context. If I disagree with you on one point, you say the opposite thing. If I correct you on one of your insultingly incorrect assumptions, you just leap to a new incorrect assumption. If I approach the subject from one direction (Right vs. My) you just switch to a new direction (my job versus his job---as if household work was my job). I cut off one of your heads, and you grow a new one.

And now it is unacceptable to you that I am frustrated with my husband and venting about it here. OH DEAR.

Allison said...

I can't believe that bitch Kittylover assuming that after 14 years with Paul you haven't done any coaching. Geez, Kittylover, thanks for the hot marriage tips! Understanding, you say, and patience? Not assuming he's a mind-reader? Genius!

bluedaisy said...

Wow Swistle, did you expect all of this to get so heated?! This is YOUR blog after all...if you can't gripe here then WHERE can you gripe?
I also realized that earlier I responded to your next post on this post...sorry about that but I support your points none-the-less!!

MzEll said...

I for one, do not want to COACH my husband. Ahem. Anyway...

Just last night, Husband went to the store to get Milk, Yogurt, and Egg Beaters. I said, "get the store brand light VANILLA yogurt". He brought home plain Dannon yogurt, and then wouldn't eat it this morning/thought it tasted funny. Grr.

Yesterday, I had plans to go to Target to get the rest of the stuff I need for the boys costumes. Before I told him he asked if I wanted to go the B&N to pick up a book he wanted to read. I said, "Sure! I was planning to go to Target anyway. (they are in the same shopping center)". He acts all offended that I'm not over the moon about him giving me a reason to go to the bookstore and wants to know what I could possibly need from Target.

Oh, and since I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and 80% of the child care if I want the Vanilla yogurt then for goodness sake he should get the vanilla yogurt.

Steph said...

Kittylover, sweetheart, have you noticed this is a humor post? It is meant to be funny. If you don't find this kind of humor funny, that's fine, but that doesn't mean you get to pretend you think it's meant literally.

Hotch Potchery said...

I think it was a great post and was very funny and perfect because well, seriously, boys are dumb.

HHRose said...

I was just about to get really heated over the kittylover debate, but then I got distracted by the fact that PAUL WENT TO THE STORE. Whereas, my husband hasn't been to a grocery store in so long, I bet he'd have to mapquest it.

(Addendum: The above comment is utterly inappropriate given that my husband never EVER complains when I ask him to help around the house, always does the dinner dishes, etc. Now, of course, these are things we have agreed upon that we will share duties of, and--let's be honest--if he DID go to the store, he'd probably buy canned pumpkin pie filling instead of canned pumpkin....for example.)

Serial Mommy said...

have you ever seen the episode of "everybody loves raymond" where raymond is explaining the HE SCREWS UP ON PURPOSE just so he doesn't have to help out because he knows it will drive debra batty and she'll just do it herself? yeah, it's like that...they KNOW what they are doing, they just don't WANT to put forth the effort to accomplish getting it done completely/well/accurately/etc so they half ass it knowing that you/i/we will pick up the slack and *fix* it...