October 11, 2009

MIL Report, Day 8

My mother-in-law has the greatest respect for a former co-worker, EVEN THOUGH the former co-worker is a Mormon. Despite being a Mormon, that former co-worker is a real good person in many ways!

My mother-in-law didn't vote for Obama, herself, not because she's racist. She thinks it would be GOOD to someday have A Black in office! Just not THIS PARTICULAR Black. The fact that she didn't vote for him reflects positively on her: she is SO AWARE that Blacks = People Too, she can even distinguish one from another!

I was looking for a puzzle piece. She said archly that if I cleaned under my couch she thought I'd find a WHOLE LOT of missing things.

I brought up a bag of chocolate chips from the supply in the downstairs pantry, which is located in the part of the basement reserved for storage and workshop. She commented she'd noticed I wouldn't need to buy chocolate chips for a good long time, heavens no! When was she inspecting the pantry, I wonder?

I came home from the store. She asked what AMAZING BARGAINS I'd found today. Jazz hands and rolling eyes.

She said she needed to know where our hand mixer was. I guess I don't expect her to keep a mental inventory of everything in our kitchen, but I think we've had the "We don't have a hand mixer" conversation more than half a dozen times now, so I'd expect it to sink in eventually. Instead, when I said "We don't have a hand mixer," she made this face:


Except her eyes were way buggier, and rolling around in her head, and she swung her face from side to side in addition to clapping her hands to the sides of it, and she made a loud strangling sound. I said, "Yes, I don't know how, but somehow we've managed to survive all these years without one. It's a wonder any of us are alive." I said it like I was being funny. I was not feeling funny.

During dinner, she said out of the blue that she'd once been to this restaurant where they had "Lumpy mashed potatoes" on the menu. She couldn't figure out WHY anyone would WANT lumpy potatoes. That is just NUTS. Why would you BRAG that your mashed potatoes had lumps? She supposed it proved they weren't from a box, but LUMPS? Bleah! ...Do I need to specifically say that at this dinner we were eating mashed potatoes and that they contained the occasional lump, or do you know my MIL by now?

46 comments:

Lorraine said...

2 more days...2 more days...2 more days...

brightfeather said...

Hm... Good thing I'm not anywhere near, 'cause I might be tempted to smack her. I'm a Mormon. Proud of it, too. It's part of my heritage, 'cause my family were some of the first to convert. I just don't think it's nice to rub people's noses in it. I do my best not to be obnoxious about it.

I'd love to see what she'd say about *my* pantry. *evil laugh* I mean, we stock up on stuff. Got about 30 fifty pound cans of wheat downstairs! And five shelving units full of canned goods, pasta, and other miscellaneous food items. And then there's our supply of bottled water! See, two years ago, Georgia was in a huge drought. And a friend of ours who works for the county water department told us that the county only had about a day's worth of water left. So we stocked up. Bought cases of water every time we went to the store. Add all the bottled water that was being given out in the flood aftermath and we have somewhere around 20 cases of bottled water!

I don't like Obama either. I think he's a moron. Then again, I have yet to like *any* presidential candidate since I was old enough to vote. Dirty, rotten politicians, all of 'em. And frankly, I don't care what color a person is. If I agreed with their politics, I'd vote for somebody who was green with purple polka dots! (Though I guarantee I'd stare a heck of a lot more. Green with purple polka dots would be the most interesting color of person I've ever seen!)

Bitts said...

I have been reading along all week, and all I have to say is, she is a PIECE. OF. WORK. A NASTY one.

PS: Yes we can!

Sally said...

Swistle, you deserve a medal for not killing her.

Heather D. said...

I'm sorry, I've been reading your blog for a while but I don't recall the reason why you don't just use some seriously snarky attitude on her. Or why you don't say you don't see a need for a hand mixer when you have 2 good arms. Or that some people like texture in their mashed potatoes and are only going to eat totally smooth ones when they are too old to enjoy potatoes anyway.
I give you serious props for not smacking her.

Firegirl said...

Good job on avoiding gun play. But do we need to come take all the sharp things out of the house?

You at least made me feel better about wanting to punch my family in the head this morning...all of them.
(I need a nap)

Way to be the grown up!! (:-D Because clearly, she isn't

Valerie said...

This woman reminds me of my grandmother. No. not all grandmothers are nice and sweet and love you unconditionally. For example, last Christmas my brother and SIL gave her a pre-loaded digital photo frame. We were all sitting around watching the pictures change and one popped up of me that was really unflattering. I made a comment about how I hated the picture of myself and she exclaimed ‘that isn’t you! You look so FAT! I thought you were Laura (my SIL who is several sizes larger than me)! In one sentence she managed to insult both me and my SIL. It was total silence after that. No one even bothered to let her know that she was offensive because she is such a piece of work that we all know that it would be more trouble and drama than it was worth. She would find a way to turn it around and make us all feel bad about confronting her and it would just be a mess.
I am guessing that this is why you just let her comments roll off of you – it just wouldn’t be worth the trouble and in two more days she will be gone. However, as the daughter of a mother who has taken my grandmother’s crap and been nothing but the perfect (Saint-hood awaits her in heaven for all that she puts up with) daughter, it is very frustrating to watch and hear about from afar. I wonder if you will draw the line when she starts in on your children in a few years and they are old enough to get their feelings hurt. My Dad has stepped in a few times when it was too much to take and I always felt grateful when he did.
Good luck and maybe by now it is only a day and a half!

Joanne said...

Honest to God, I would not survive, or she wouldn't. I think my own MIL would like to thank you, though, because you've certainly made her look like a walk in the damned park compared to yours. I'm so glad it's going to be over soon!

Elizabeth said...

I think at this point I might have to start playing a fun game where I tried to convince MIL that I was touched in the head. A lot of hysterical laughter at every word out of her mouth, maybe?

Anonymous said...

Just one question, How did your husband grow up with a mother like her???up

the new girl said...

PRICELESS GEMS.

You SERIOUSLY need to write an anonymous BOOK about this MIL and the CHRONICLES of her VISITS.

I would buy it and keep it to read on those days that I was convinced that Life Is Meaningless.

Ms. Molly said...

I love that you are keeping your humor. Good luck surving the last few days!

desperate housewife said...

Ah, the best is the couch comment. It wasn't really even a veiled insult, it was just plain criticism. But! Helpful, since you were looking for something. I think for funsies you should just start asking her for help with every little thing you do the next few days. I bet she will have some classic words of wisdom for you. Ask her about your hair, makeup, how to discipline the kids...

Type (little) a said...

Well if you had a hand mixer, you'd have smooth mashed potatoes, OBVS. Get with the program, Swis.

My mother in law tut-tutted that I didn't spend enough time on finding "amazing bargains".

I'm sorry you have to endure these visits, but is it awful to say I look forward to her visit every year, if only to make me grateful my mother in law is dead?

That was terrible. Totally uncalled for. Also, 100% true.

Celeste said...

Mean people suck.

I still can't get over her essentially calling your son a liar about having done his homework on the bus.

I would have told her the potatoes had LUMPS OF SALT in them and did she want some more.

I guess your husband has learned to tune her out after all this time. But how interesting that he still wants her to come over.

Steph said...

Godspeed. You're almost there.

Safire said...

Hehe...the Mormon comment made me laugh. I'm very sorry you have to deal with all these comments. I would have run crying from the room several times. So you're doing great and only a few more days!

Brenna said...

I don't know how you haven't strangled her yet. Or at least given her a good stiff bitch-slap.

But whenever I start feeling sorry for myself about having my MIL living in the same town, I'll remember this and bless my stars that at least she'll never be a houseguest.

Use the calming chant from 'Anger Management':
"Goosfraba." Say out loud and confuse the hell out of her.

SLynnRo said...

I know this situation sucks for you, but damn if it isn't pure comedy for the rest of us. Hang in there.

Ashley said...

Hey! I think your MIL and my MIL went to the same training camp. And it sounds like she too passed "mean spirited comments" and "withering looks" with flying colours. Did yours also manage to skip the final physical (which would have revealed the ability to breath fire and green horns at the base of her neck) by using her super human guilting ability on both the trainer and your husband? Oh, Mine also wrote the book, "How to kill your Daughter in Law's self worth in 5 steps or less."

Good luck, I glad it's almost over!

Erin said...

My MIL is nice but we won't ever see much of her (she and my husband haven't been on speaking terms for years, which has more to do with my husband's stubbornness than hers) but my FIL. Oh, my FIL. I feel your pain as your MIL sounds much like my FIL. I feel your pain and desperation for the visit to be over.

Michelle said...

I'm sure this has been covered elsewhere, but why, oh why, hasn't your husband stepped up to the plate here? Why is he allowing HIS mother to treat his wife, not to mention the mother of his children, this way?

Of course, barring that, you could always answer each rudeness with, "Yes, he did choose me, didn't he?" ever so sweetly.

Dr. Maureen said...

DUDE. She is UNREAL.

I hope you told her that, yes, there was a HUGE SALE on Vodka, and thank HEAVENS because you were down to your last two bottles and there are days to go yet.

beyond said...

so... at what time do you have your first drink in the 'evening' these days? 2pm? i don't drink, but this would drive me to it... kudos to you.

Heather J. said...

::: PASSES SWISTLE THE SHOVEL :::


That reminds me of my MIL on the 'phone recently while Australian Idol was on, specifically talking about Kate (I think, I don't watch it) who is ::: shock! horror! ::: a "LESBIAN!" Oh the exclamations of surprise we heard about the latter, "She's a LESSIE! She can SING! BUT SHE'S A LESSIE!" Can I have the shovel back when you're finished with it, please? ;)

Stacia said...

If she makes a comment about what's under the couch again, hand her something to clean with and tell her that maybe she'll find her damn manners underneath there, too.

Katy said...

I'm with Stacia--every time she made a comment I'd hand her a tool. Either that or I'd have to strangle her with my **Jazz hands**

rccalyn said...

Unbelievable! I have to admit though, I *almost* look forward to her visits because it makes your posts 900 times more hilarious! She can't possibly be real, can she?!

Kate @ Life As I Live It said...

My question is, why the hell does your husband ALLOW her to behave like this in YOUR home?? I mean, seriously. He needs to nut up and tell her to step OFF and how his wife some respect.

Hello Ms. Passive Aggressive.

Grrr....I'm so angry on your behalf.

Sam said...

Yeah, what Kate @ blah blah blah said. Dude. It sucks so bad. I want to smack her. You're raising HER grandchildren. She's teaching them not to respect you. Total bitch. I'm so sorry. GAHHHH.

Kelly said...

Oh.My.God.

I will drink FOR you, OK? just don't hurt yourself or her.

wow.

Cookie said...

Is she gone yet? Your MIL is a piece of work. I thought mine was bad, but she at least doesn't criticize me to my face.

Julie said...

Make brownies. With LOTS of chocolate chips in them.

Anonymous said...

Poor Swistle :(. What a nasty jerk hole. I'm Mormon and now this just got personal! I have to admit though...she does make your posts super hilarious!

Kim said...

I'm visualizing the moment she pulls away from your house for the last time (tomorrow?) and the insane relief you're going to feel. It'll almost be like being high.

Scarlett said...

Yeah, as a Mormon, I think most of us like to think that we're real good people BECAUSE of being Mormon (or at least in addition to), not despite being Mormon.

3carnations said...

Sometimes I make lumpy mashed potatoes on purpose.

Jamie said...

I think you should borrow one of those pricing/labelling guns from your local grocery store, and while she's playing with the kids, sneak into her room and label all of her belongings with a 75%OFF!!! sticker.

squandra said...

I LOVE Stacia's "Maybe you'll find your damn manners under there, too." Swistle, I totally support your methods and all but if you say that I will buy you a pony.

cbrks12 said...

Swistle,

I have been having the most awful day, but now I feel better. Thank you for sharing! And showing us all that you must be a saint to have not killed your MIL yet.

Bring A. Torch said...

I shudder to speculate about what salt-free horror she had in mind for the hand mixer. Yeeesh.

Hotch Potchery said...

If I had a brother and he was married and had 5 kids, I might think my mom was hanging at your house the last 8 days.

Ashley said...

Haha, I'm a Mormon, AND I voted for Obama. I'm sure she and I would get along just great!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, when I know I've told someone THE SAME THING more than a couple of times I make up stories to not KILL them. Like, "Oh, the hand mixer just blew up last week, but I haven't been able to replace it dirt cheap yet. That's what I shop for every day!" (Jazz Hands. )

Livinia Redlips said...

She sounds like an incredibly sad woman. Too bad for you (and her too).

Anonymous said...

ha ha haaaa! i'm so glad you share!

i'm mormon too and i'm almost offended she could see past that in her coworker. ha ha!

she kind of reminds me of silvio berlusconi, only worse. but hey, since i'm supposed to be getting ready for a trip and i'm reading blogs instead, here's a fun thing:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/5124606/Silvio-Berlusconis-top-10-gaffes-and-pranks.html

i'm almost sad she's gone now, just because i get such a kick out of her. sad. i'm so happy for you, though! :)

and hai, since i still should be packing/cleaning/etc., i'll share a fun mil thing from this summer. three of us sisters-in-law are standing in her kitchen talking with her having a good time when out of the blue, she says to me, "hey, you don't compare yourself to so-and-so, do you?" this so-and-so is the wife of one of my husband's childhood friends so while we're friends, we don't see each other often and we're not, like, tight or anything. and she happens to be the tallest, skinniest girl i know. who wore her regular jeans home from the hospital after having her baby. i'm not entirely sure she wore maternity clothes at any point. anyway, so yeah. we don't compare. i said, "no, that'd be nuts. that's like comparing apples and oranges because we have completely different body types." she said, "yeah, you definitely do. i just don't want you getting your hopes up to look that good." ouch! not to mention, the other two sisters-in-law standing in there are bigger than me!