January 11, 2009

Poetry for a Midlife Crisis

I ruined my body having children
My body would have been ruined by age anyway
And then: death.
Halfway there!

I found a chin hair. It was a quarter-inch long by the time I found it
As I was looking for more, I saw the beginnings of Neck Crepe
And my nose isn't getting any smaller
And I guess it's time to get a nostril-hair clipper.

I saw an ad that said parentheses didn't belong on my face. Stupid ad.
Is my hairline further back than it used to be?
When I go grey it probably won't be the pretty kind.

I wasted my youth having children.
I wasted my youth not having children.

I wasted my college education
I should have spent the money on something else
Or someone else could have used that education.
All I really took away from it was an "MRS" degree
Well, two MRS degrees
So I guess I wasted one of those, too.

I should have married someone older than me
Instead of the same age
Then I wouldn't look older than him.
Thanks a lot, Mother Nature
You nasty ageist bitch
You're not getting any younger either.


Angella said...

Mother Nature needs her ass kicked.

Let's take her behind the school and give her some justice.

Erin said...

HAHAHA! This is SO funny, mostly because it is NOT AT ALL funny. And the last line is perfect.

You should have skipped the advanced degree and gone straight into poetry.

Hillary said...

Bless your heart.
The last three lines are perfect.

Steph the WonderWorrier said...

Wut. You are gorgeous and young and beautiful and all things bright and shiny.

Good post, though.

This scares me... my boyfriend is 8 months YOUNGER than me. Oh noes! I'm doomed.

Hotch Potchery said...

I had a chin hair today. I obsess over them. I have tweezers everywhere (work, car, purse, gym bag) just in case one pops out.

Bethtastic said...

Someone (who actually knows her) bake this woman some brownies - and FAST!

She needs some joy (and lots of chocolate!) :)!

Heh. It really did make me laugh!

Doing my best said...

You are an AMAZINGLY talented woman!

Miss Grace said...

Eh, in the end, EVERYONE'S old and ugly. Women just seem to make it there first.

aibee said...


Drink more.

I mean, I'll drink more.

For you.


Firegirl said...




That is...wait for it...AWESOME.


Kim said...

Boy did that one sting.

And also was amazing.

Giselle said...

We may look worse...but we live longer :)

Love the wasting youth having children or wasting youth not having children. There's no way to win, is there...

And I came away from college with an MRS degree also...not proud of it, but it is what it is.

Badness Jones said...

Me too, darling.

Fiona Picklebottom said...

Love this, and those last three lines are fantastic!

Shelly Overlook said...

Mother Nature is a vengeful bitch.

Nowheymama said...

When are you and Sundry going to get together and publish a poetry collection?

My word verification is "frant." I think that's a combination of "fret" and "rant." Appropriate, no?

Tess said...

Two MRS degrees. Awesome.

Jen said...

That last line made me laugh.

Becky said...

Holy crap, I just noticed my own Neck Crepe over the weekend and I couldn't believe how much it bothered me. I'm ready for gray hair, crow's feet, laugh lines, anything but Neck Crepe!

I do have the advantage of a husband 13 years older than I am, so at least I should look younger than him for quite some time.

Jess said...

I love how you dish it out to Mother Nature. Hilarious.

Nellyru said...

OMG awesome.

At least your HUSBAND wasn't the one who noticed your chin hair before you did. Ahem.

d e v a n said...

You crack me up.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Mother Nature is a bitch.

Alice said...

hee. oh dear. i feel like i should offer my condolences or something, but my that was funny :-)

Amber said...

You are a poet for the ages. Truth and all that is horrible - I laugh with you my friend (even though probably neighter of us is actually laughing.) :)

(My word verification is 'hetini' - is that some sort of manly martini?)

Shelly said...

This is AWESOME! More poetry, stat!

Mandy said...

Oh, the chin hairs. I have three or four that appear on a regular basis. My mother calls them "granny hairs," which just makes me want to scream.

And my husband? Still looks like a teenager, but he's older than me. Not. Fair.

Swistle's mom said...

Oh, Swistle!
You are so young!
And radiant!
And beautiful!

Tracey said...

Aging... it's one of the unifying aspects of being human. That and using the toilet...

Astarte said...

Chin hair. I have some, too, and if I don't notice them right away, then I usually miss them until they're practically long enough to braid. Sigh.

My hair is going straight to white. Just for the record.

Julie said...

My hair is streaked with gray and the chin hair I have to tweeze is horrifying. Mother Nature is a fickle bitch.

Pann said...

Ya know, Swistle... a lot of folks out here are OLDER than you.

You are much too young to have a mid-life crisis.

I've had grey hair since I was 23 years old, and was working full time, putting myself through grad school full time.

My only point is this... you're like what? 34 or something? Pu-lease. If this is your midlife, you are dying at like, what 64? That is really young. What a waste.

Wallow all you like but Puh-lease!!! A mid life crisis this CANNOT BE.

aibee said...

Ah. Poetry for any future need.


Julie said...

I think you look great. Mother Nature has nothin' on you.

Frondly said...

"And I guess it's time to get a nostril-hair clipper."


I swear to you, the other day I also wondered if I should, um, do something about the nostril hairs.

But really, it was just the one stepping out of bounds.

Great post!

Mairzy said...

Isn't it a shock to realize that we're going to Get Old like all those other Old People did back then?

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Ugh. The truth hurts.

You forgot to mention the receeding gums. wha-who.

Stacie said...

I love this.

Lora said...

I just don't understand how I have these facial (and now nose, lovely) that I don't notice until they are half an inch long. Do they really grow that fast, or am I just ignoring my face because I don't like what is happening to it?
In other news, I think my ankles are better looking now than they ever were. Too bad my feet are so jacked up and the weather is so crappy that I can't show the world that I no longer have cankles.

Also, appropriately, my verification word is "dermal".