January 22, 2009

MAY CAUSE BLINDNESS

My dad I figured out my camera, so now I have a photo of the Medium Ash Brown hair!

Tilted-down face makes 95% reduction in under-chinnage, but 50% increase in forehead size.



Oh, wait, I was supposed to be showing you the 50% increase in Morose.



Next topic. We need to talk about something, and it has to do with what to do with your EYEBROWS if you dye your hair darker.

The haircolor box says NOT to use the haircolor on your eyebrows or you WILL GO BLIND. But let's say you were all, "What does it matter if I can see, if all I can see is that my eyebrows don't match my hair?," and so you played it dangerous and put the stuff on your eyebrows. But it didn't even WORK! So you RISKED BLINDNESS for NOTHING!



In that case, I'll tell you what you SHOULDN'T do. DON'T buy a box of Just For Men Mustache and Beard Color. I thought you said you WEREN'T blinded the first time! Can't you see that it's for MEN and MUSTACHES and BEARDS? It is not for girl eyebrows! Just because it talks about how perfect it is for coarse, resistant facial hair doesn't mean it's for YOUR coarse, resistant facial hair, or that eyebrows are coarse and resistant and facial! Don't be stupid!



Besides, it's still hair dye, and just like other hair dye, it can cause PERMANENT BLINDNESS if you get it in your eyes. So it is CLEARLY marked that you should NOT use it for your eyebrows! So don't!



You might as well not even read further unless you're a MAN intending to use this product AS INTENDED.

Okay, guys, you know how haircolor kits have to be mixed all at once and then you can't use the stuff after an hour or it'll explode or whatevs? The beard and mustache kit is different. It has two little tubes, and you can mix exactly the amount you want on the little tray.

Lipstick for scale. MAN lipstick.



The whole process takes 10-15 minutes, so if I were a man I'd do this about 15 minutes before I'd normally get into the shower, and I'd already be wearing a bathrobe so I wouldn't have to pull a pajama top over my head with this stuff on my beard/mustache.

The instructions say not to use the little tubes to mix any more potion after 3 months, but the reason is "to ensure highest level of quality." That's insufficiently persuasive. Maybe if it were "because after 3 months this stuff will chaw its way through the plastic tubes and melt a hole in your linen closet shelves"---but it isn't, is it, it's just about highest possible levels of quality, which, pfff. And let's say I knew someone who was using it on, uh, a small mustache---yeah, not eyebrows but a mustache, a slightly-graying mustache exactly the size of two eyebrows, and that she he said she'd he'd been using the same box for nearly two years. Also, just as a total non sequitur, my mother is not blind in EITHER eye. Nor am I.

It comes with a wee little brush, which is just perfect for using on your eyebrows tiny eyebrow-shaped mustache. Maybe you want to put your non-brush-holding hand protectively over your eye. No reason.

ONLY do this to a MUSTACHE. Not an eyebrow! Eyebrow shown only for illustrative purposes, with eye-safe conditioner instead of hair dye, just so you can see what the brush would be like if I HAD a mustache, which I don't.



You (the man) would wait 5 minutes. This is a good opportunity to manfully clean the little tray and brush and put them back in the box for the next time your mustache is looking too gray or too blond or whatever.


Don't worry if when you next look in the mirror the extra potion has made the skin around your mustaches look kind of weird.


But next time you might want to keep the potion more IN THE LINES, just because nobody needs facial fuzz to be darker.

After 5 minutes, you (you're still a man) can get into the shower and rinse. You should be VERY CAREFUL not to get let the rinse water SLOSH UP into your eyes. Maybe you should squeeze your eyes very tightly shut. You should use a mild shampoo to wash your mustaches, and it's a good idea to have that shampoo bottle where you can find it while groping around with your eyes tightly squeezed shut, because seriously, don't open your eyes while rinsing or shampooing or re-rinsing the dyed parts. Just in case the water sloshes UP. Be really careful, men.

Just For Men is sold at Target for $6-7. Or maybe it isn't, how would I know? I'm not a man, nor do I have a beard or mustache, nor do I want to be PERMANENTLY BLIND. My mother, who also doesn't know where such a thing might be sold, says that if she were just guessing, she might guess that Walgreens also had a selection. But she adds that she really wouldn't know.

71 comments:

d e v a n said...

I don't dye my hair but I was ROLLING laughing. You crack me up!

The Gori Wife said...

Hi-freaking-larious. I was laughing out loud (I don't "lol") in the middle of the library. (Where I am clearly supposed to be studying.)

Swiggy said...

You've lost it...you've officially lost it!

I think the fumes from all that hair dye (definitely not the Just for Men) have gone to your head (no pun intended)!

Kristen said...

Your eyebrows can be two shades lighter than your hair. Just an FYI.

Raven said...

When I dye my eyebrows...er I mean MANLY MUSTACHE, I just wipe the dye clear with a wet washcloth before getting in the shower, that way there is no chance of blindness.


(btw, an old eyebrow brush, or toothbrush works with hair dye as well...if you like living on the edge. haha)

Mimi said...

Your new haircolor is totally foxy! Sorry, you don't look morose enough! =)

Mommy Daisy said...

You crack me up! Seriously, thanks for the laugh. I think it turned out great!

andreaunplugged said...

Thanks for the tips for when my "man" needs to dye "his moustache". This stuff is "just for men" after all.

mom huebert said...

I was going to say "you crack me up" but I see a couple of other people already said that, and I don't want to be redundant. So I'll just say your little escapade amused me, and also, I like your hair color, and also, I love your lipstick color!

Swistle said...

Mom Huebert- I THINK it was L'Oreal Ripe Raisin.

v said...

Swistle, you are hilarious!

I died my hair darker for a while, and to get rid of the blonde, non-matching eyebrows I went ahead and put some of the hair dye on there anyway, just 'cause I like to live on the edge. And it didn't really work. If I ever go dark again, I'll remember this! (Err, and by that I mean I certainly won't do this, because otherwise I might go BLIND!)

Amy said...

Hilarious! I have the same eyebrow issue...not saying that I will try Just For Men because of course I don't want to go blind. By the way, I just started reading your blog and really enjoy it!

Steph the WonderWorrier said...

Wait. Wait, wait, WAIT.

Do people actually DYE THEIR EYELASHES????

It says don't use on EYELASHES?

WHAT? lol. Is this really something people do??

shygirl said...

Swistle! HEE-larious-- and your hair looks AWESOME! Did you take the Permanent Plunge-- is the Medium Ash Brown a permanent dye? I've been sticking with the woefully short-lived Natural Instincts semipermanent stuff out of fear (permanent sounds so... PERMANENT! no going back! too bad if it doesn't look good, you're stuck with it!), so read your post about that same issue a while back with great interest, and now your hair looks so great that it's kind of bolstering my courage to take the Permanent step too...!

AndreAnna said...

For the commenters above, people like me with blond eyelashes often have them "tinted" in salons, which is basically dyeing them. Even with black mascara, it sometimes takes me two-three coats to get the very blond lashes to even show up at all, which is why I suppose this treatment even exists.

I don't do it because I like MY VISION and stuff.

You crack me up.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Thanks for the laugh(s), I definitely pulled something AND wet my pants. You should warn us pregnant ladies next time.

(LOVE the haircolor! It looks fabulous!)

susan said...

I am also at my university library, where I'm meant to be working on my PhD, and I am laughing very, very audibly, much to the annoyance of all the "shoosh"-y other patrons.

You are truly hilARious. That is an absolute classic. You should write for 30Rock!

Miss Grace said...

I am naturally pale-browed, but I just use a fancy pencil.

This was hilarious.

may said...

Genius. Pure genius. Not to mention so considerate for all of your men readers. : )

Also, I like how the picture of you looking all morose is darker than the other one. Well done. I think it looks good, but I want to see a normal, smiling Swistle, with normal forehead and chin, maybe holding a child or five. Just a suggestion.

drowninginlaundry said...

Swistle, when dying your hair dunk an old toothbrush into the dye and apply to eyebrows. Leave for 10-15 minutes. Rinse carefully to not cause blindness.

Done.

Imagine I paid 15$ a month to tint my red eyebrows (and I have naturally DARK HAIR) at a salon. Then one day I wised up and saw they were using HAIR DYE to do it. pfffttt....

Marie Green said...

I haven't ever dyed my hair (YET), but not because I'm against doing it... it's more like I'm lazy. And I don't want to KEEP doing it.

But when I DO decide to do it, I'll refer back to this, just to keep my humor about me throughout the process.

Leeann said...

Swistle,

I might leave my husband for you.

You are the funniest person I have never met!

Leeann
niccofive.blogspot.com

Barb @ getupandplay said...

I really love the darker hair!

And have I told you that you are my favorite blogger? Seriously.

DCMomma said...

OMG rofl lmao. I have really dark hair so haven't had to
dye my eyebrows but now know how to. Thank you! You made me laugh out loud. :)

Kelley said...

Seriously hilarious.

And I know funny.

(shut up, my son is going through a Nemo phase. For the twelfth time)

But you know you can totally buy eye brow tinting kits right?

Or is that just in Australia cause we don't care if we go blind...

Swistle said...

Shygirl- Yes, permanent, and furthermore, THREE DOLLARS. It's Revlon. I don't know if I would have had the nerve to try it except a friend of mine who regularly box-colors tried it first and said it was just as good as the $10 kind she'd been using.

May- With NORMAL chin? You ask too much. Why not ask for a NUDE shot?

Leeann- This is perfect timing: I was JUST thinking I needed a wife.

Kelley- WHAT. I am going to look into that. I will feel so silly if I've been, um, NOT RISKING BLINDNESS when I could have been not risking blindness.

Shelly Overlook said...

Just in case you might, um, be blind, let me tell you that you look fabulous!

Bunny said...

I will be sure to file away this information for the, uh, man in my life who may have to deal with graying of the, uh, mustache area.

You are awesome and also?
Too much.

Erica said...

I was going to comment to say how pretty your new hair color is and how well you do the morose face, but I can't. I'm dead from laughter. You killed me, Swistle.

Jiff said...

LMAO. That's too funny!

And my question is: WHO DYES THEIR EYELASHES???? SERIOUSLY!

Okay. Anyway. I've put hair dye on my eyebrows and it didn't work either. But that was a long time ago. :(

Tess said...

Eyestaches aside, I LOVE that hair color! I do not agree with the term "Medium Ash Brown" which makes it sound far more...MEDIUM than it is!

katie said...

In Canada at beauty supply stores, you can buy tiny tubes of dye that you mix with hydrogen peroxide specifically for dying eyebrows, I do it all the time, but maybe we too don't care if we go blind!

Love the new hair colour, and love this entry!!

Badness Jones said...

Thank you for the man-warning. You're a gem!

Mama Bub said...

I used to dye my EYELASHES. I mean, I had a professional do it, but still. The whole time I would be like "It's burning. It's BURNING!" And they're all "Uh huh."

I don't do that anymore.

But, I have used the eyebrow kit at home and had very, very bad results. So bad that I now just resign myself to using mascara and and eyebrow pencil every. single. day. Blond eyebrows and eyelashes make me look a little bit dead if I dont' do something about them.

Mama Bub said...

Oh, and? Funniest post EVER!

Hillary said...

You look lovely and morose. The dark lipstick was a nice, angsty, goth-girl touch.

Pickles and Dimes said...

HAHAHAHAHHA.

I'm too scared to do that. I just use eyebrow pencil.

Love the new color! It's a nice warm brown. Very nice.

Amber said...

After I'm done laughing hysterically, I will pass that on to every manly mustache man I know.

I would try it myself, but besides the fact that I don't want to go BLIND, my eyebrows have always been about 48 shades darker than my hair, even when I was a natural blonde. And I never tried lightening them becuase I feared lightening them to the point where I looked either albino or perma-surprised.

Tracey said...

Oh shit. I totally needed this post today... Please tell me the skin fuzz lightened up? Or you shaved it?

Kim said...

I always tell a friend of mine that she's at her funniest when she's really pissed or upset about something. I don't know if maybe because you've been, say DISPLEASED lately, but Swistle, you have been freaking hysterical lately. Don't take that the wrong way; I want you to be happy. But damn, woman, if it's any consolation you've been making a lot of people laugh on a regular basis. That's my weak attempt at doing the lemons into lemonade thing. I salute you with my glass of lemonade.
And yes, your hair (and mustaches!) look really good with that new color.

Sarcy said...

That cracked me up.

Also, the haircolor and length looks really fab.

Anonymous said...

Occasionally, after dying my hair I will brush a dab of the excess in the bottle through my brows with my lash/brow brush. I leave it on for approximately 10-15 minutes less than on my hair or I end up with some orangey hairs. I am not blind.

This is going from medium brown with very dark brows to medium blond with light brown brows.

melmouseyes said...

You are so entertaining! Wheee, this post was so fun to read, MEN. As in, AY-MEN. You go, girl!

Anonymous said...

My eyebrows are super dark, and my hair has always been a light brown, never dyed. But there was this phase in college when I was pledging a sorority where I lightened my eyebrows ever so slightly with the creme hair bleach intended for mustaches. The warning on the box says not to use near eyes or eyebrows because of blindness, but you know? I'm a rocket scientist.

My husband can't tell if my eyebrows are lighter or not-- he met me when they had grown out and were dark, and he loves their darkness and shape. Weird, but I'll take it!

velocibadgergirl said...

This made me laugh SO HARD. xo!

Smiling Mama said...

This is hysterical! I must say that I LOVE your lipstick shade in those pics!

the new girl said...

FUN.NY. Eyestaches. lmao.

I looove that hair color, Swistle. I think, though, that the pretty lipstick cancels out at least 30% of the moroseness.

Just saying.

samantha jo campen said...

Oh I love the new color. Rich with shine and depth. *swoon*

Swati said...

Swistle's blog needs a serious warning : read at your own peril. Side effects include death by laughter.

Swistle said...

Tracey- I would sum it up like this: I did feel it was a good idea to do a little judicious tweezering of the above-brow area, but I didn't need to WAX or anything. The skin fuzz was definitely tinted, but not as scarily as while the dye was still on.

katethegr8 said...

THAT WAS HILARIOUS!! YOU CRACK ME UP, I never though of using just for men on my eyebrowns before..oops I mean my husbands goatee :)

Hairline Fracture said...

Too funny! Those warning labels go way overboard. Also, your hair color is very pretty.

HollyLynne said...

I LOVE the new haircolor on you! So shiny! And I do not think you look morose, I think you look like a HOT MAMA!

BDS said...

when i dye my hair darker, i just use the dye on my eyebrows. yup, i risk blindness.

bluedaisy said...

Swistle, I haven't "known" you for long- and only via your blog so I hope this comment doesn't overstep. BTW, this is a great post and I do like the new hair color. I think you are safe as long as you don't go all "britney spears" on us. I read an article from a couple months ago that says her hair color correlates directly to her mood: blond=happy, brown=sad and pink=CRAZY/MANIC. Morose in medium ash brown is definitely healthier than crazy pink...

Anonymous said...

What a great idea! I'll have to keep that in mind if I (a *cough* man) ever wanted to dye my brows!

And Swistle my dear, I love the hair color. I think you are fabulous (even if a bit morose lol)...but I really think you should get yourself a sexy new pair of glasses. From a fellow visually-impaired girl, I think you need to get some really cute ones - the plastic frame type, maybe the studious, rectangly shape. They'd be so cute on you! And trendy!

RachelAnn said...

very funny. I just use dark brown shadow to fill in my brows-never thought of Just for Men haha

jess said...

That post was perfect.

Just.

Perfect.

Libby said...

I use Q-tips to swab some of my hair dye from my head, once it's "activated" (worked into a lather) onto my eyebrows. I then wet the tip of a q-tip and squeeze out the water to wipe away any excess dye because I am not very good at coloring inside the lines. I also tend to get dye on my ears, etc. Hmm, I'm not very good at dying my hair, actually!

Julie said...

Those instructions are hilarious! That's such a cute cut on you and I LOVE the color! :)

Kelsey said...

I love the hair color and also enjoyed the funny very, very much!

Anonymous said...

Okay, but wait, why worry if your brows are lighter than your hair? Isn't that okay? I thought it was only a faux pas if your brows were *darker* than your hair? My brows are much lighter than my natural hair color. My brows are also lighter than my dyed hair color. My brows are very light, damn near invisible. I'm not dying them. Now, my mustache - *that* could use some help. But - I just use tweezers!

Fun post, Swistle!

Swistle said...

Anonymous- It made my face look HUGE---but I have a tall forehead, so surely that contributes. I wouldn't have bothered trying to "match" but it really looked strange. Like, I kept catching sight of myself in the mirror and thinking, "What is WRONG with my FACE?" Then I figured out it was the eyebrows.

Alice said...

OMG. seriously awesome. i love you. uh, in a non creepy way. or maybe a creepy way. YOU DON'T KNOW.

Emily R said...

I was doing fine until right at the end when you said mustaches. Then the giggle was on the outside, and I'm in my cubicle. mustaches. My shoulders are shaking uncontrollably with the inside giggles now.

Bonnie said...

You are super funny... btw, I was an esthetician in a day spa/salon and we had a special tint that was vegetable based for tinting eyebrows and lashes... the lashes usually were tinted black so it looked as though you were wearing mascara all the time - nice for those of us with light lashes (see http://www.universalcompanies.com/EShop/Universal/Pages/CategoryDetailPageB2B.aspx?nodeId=5751 for more info) it is rather pricey but lasts for freakin' ever! I don't know if you can get it if you aren't a licensed professional though - so this probably isn't much help... still hilarious with the little mustaches :)

Sam said...

I almost peed the bed but I did not wake the baby laughing. So I guess that is a double WIN and thank you for amusing me. It was terribly good.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

congrats on your award! Saw it at Oh, The Joys. And your (allegedly) little mustaches look fab. I had it done at the salon with my haircolor (oh my!) problem is it looks REALLY weird when it grows out. kind of a 2 tone punk look!

Lisa Stone said...

Fantastic! I've always wanted mustaches someone could see. LOL

Amy said...

I seriously just peed my pants.

frankerouscantakerous said...

That was waaaay funny. Just landed here doing a search. Glad I did. I was giggling like a schoolgirl. And I do have a mustache.