You left an unopened container of chocolate milk in your lunch box all weekend. Probably I should have checked, since you are only in second grade. But do you smell that smell? That is why you have a paper lunch bag today.
Dear Rollover Ad,
I did not roll over you. Stop pretending like you think I did. That is so annoying, I am already boycotting your maker.
Dear "Recipe-Ready" Chopped Pecans,
You call that chopped? Think again, friends.
Dear Mean Anonymous Commenters,
That is not going to look good on your permanent record. Also: sometimes you don't notice you've been automatically logged in.
Dear Paul's Sister,
Sweetheart, Christmas is a completely predictable holiday. It doesn't get SPRUNG on us: it's on the calendar from Day 1, and it's not until Day 359, so there's plenty of warning. When you mail the kids' presents too late to arrive for Christmas, and you do it EVERY YEAR, and you KNOW they arrive too late, and you write to say you hope they won't arrive too late even though you mailed them parcel post on December 23rd...well, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but doesn't any alternate plan suggest itself to you?
Dear Biological Clock,
OMG SHUT IT. Haven't I done enough for you? We were a good team, but it is OVER. Retire to Arizona or something.
Me and my biological clock, we are waiting for diamonds. Or maybe a puppy. Or, I don't know. SOMETHING.
Think about what you want to say before you start saying it. I am trying to be a patient, listening, here-for-you kind of mother, but it is hard for me to focus on The Moment when you are saying, "Hey, Mommy. Um...when I....um....I mean, when YOU....um.... thing. Um, the other day, when YOU said that WE....um." Think it out first, cupcake.
The idea is that you're supposed to get me through the day, and then punch the time clock. If your shift starts at 7:00 a.m., I don't need you here at 11:00 p.m. No overtime will be granted. Kthanx for your understanding.
You prevented my friend's 40th birthday present from getting to her on time. Birthdays are always important, but especially decade birthdays. You and I are no longer on speaking terms.
Dear Dr. Seuss,
If you have to totally make up words in order to make your books have rhythm and rhyme, maybe you should try a different writing style. Not everyone has the same talents, and that's okay.