December 22, 2008

Love, Swistle

Dear William,

You left an unopened container of chocolate milk in your lunch box all weekend. Probably I should have checked, since you are only in second grade. But do you smell that smell? That is why you have a paper lunch bag today.

Love, Mommy




Dear Rollover Ad,

I did not roll over you. Stop pretending like you think I did. That is so annoying, I am already boycotting your maker.

Love, Swistle




Dear "Recipe-Ready" Chopped Pecans,

You call that chopped? Think again, friends.

Love, Swistle




Dear Mean Anonymous Commenters,

That is not going to look good on your permanent record. Also: sometimes you don't notice you've been automatically logged in.

Love, Swistle




Dear Paul's Sister,

Sweetheart, Christmas is a completely predictable holiday. It doesn't get SPRUNG on us: it's on the calendar from Day 1, and it's not until Day 359, so there's plenty of warning. When you mail the kids' presents too late to arrive for Christmas, and you do it EVERY YEAR, and you KNOW they arrive too late, and you write to say you hope they won't arrive too late even though you mailed them parcel post on December 23rd...well, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but doesn't any alternate plan suggest itself to you?

Love, Swistle-in-Law




Dear Biological Clock,

OMG SHUT IT. Haven't I done enough for you? We were a good team, but it is OVER. Retire to Arizona or something.

Love, Swistle




Dear Paul,

Me and my biological clock, we are waiting for diamonds. Or maybe a puppy. Or, I don't know. SOMETHING.

Love, Swistle




Dear Rob,

Think about what you want to say before you start saying it. I am trying to be a patient, listening, here-for-you kind of mother, but it is hard for me to focus on The Moment when you are saying, "Hey, Mommy. Um...when I....um....I mean, when YOU....um.... thing. Um, the other day, when YOU said that WE....um." Think it out first, cupcake.

Love, Mommy




Dear Coffee,

The idea is that you're supposed to get me through the day, and then punch the time clock. If your shift starts at 7:00 a.m., I don't need you here at 11:00 p.m. No overtime will be granted. Kthanx for your understanding.

Love, Swistle




Dear Snow,

You prevented my friend's 40th birthday present from getting to her on time. Birthdays are always important, but especially decade birthdays. You and I are no longer on speaking terms.

Love, Swistle




Dear Dr. Seuss,

If you have to totally make up words in order to make your books have rhythm and rhyme, maybe you should try a different writing style. Not everyone has the same talents, and that's okay.

Love, Swistle

47 comments:

d e v a n said...

ha! These are too funny. I haven't noticed the anon comments much, now I'm curious enough to go back and snoop. lol
EW on the chocolate milk!!! Fingers crossed for diamonds and/or puppy!

fairydogmother said...

I'm thinking diamonds AND a puppy. Preferably one who is potty trained already.

I've been wanting to write a post like this for quite sometime, but I would end up writing about work and that would be a bad move. *sigh*

ColorCodedC said...

Love these! How about "Dear (Literally) 3-Degree Temperatures This Morning, I live in Florida now. This does not exactly provide me with the I'm-home-for-Christmas-warm-and-fuzzies. Love, ColorCodedC"

Jess said...

I am so curious about the anonymous comments now! More details please!

Badness Jones said...

Love the list - especially the one to Rob, my Princess does the same thing. Actually, Hubs does too. Drives. Me. INSANE!

Today Wendy said...

Those are awesome :)

DCMomma said...

Ha ha! That was great!

Mimi said...

Yeah, a puppy. A puppy would definitely help. Or diamonds. Preferably both. He owes you something BIG.

Heather D. said...

I think I will send Rob's letter to my daughter. Drives me nuts!

Jana said...

Love them all! You are so creative!

Nowheymama said...

I need to write a letter to my chopped pecans that were FULL of shell fragments. Breaking a tooth on Christmas isn't festive, Chopped Pecans!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous comments are your prize for having a public blog wherein you share private, complicated information. Take the comments or lose the blog.

Amy said...

Oh no they just didn't!!

Loved the letters!

Annika said...

A diamond studded puppy?

Nicole said...

LOL- these are hilarious! Hope your day gets better and that you are soon writing love letters!

Alice said...

hee, i love how entitled anonymous commenters are. "you have a blog, therefore we are totally justified in being assholes!" i'm a little confused on that rationale, but hey, i'm not an anonymous tool so i wouldn't understand :-P

the new girl said...

HA HA HA!

JUST YOU TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHO IS LEAVING THIS MEAN ANONYMOUS COMMENT WHICH IS YOUR P R I Z E FOR HAVING A PUBLIC BLOG, AS PER MY ANONYMOUS BRETHREN.

--Love Anonymous

Jiff said...

lol. cute.

fairydogmother said...

Wow. Apparently Anonymous never learned the lesson that just because you can say something that doesn't mean that you should.

But then again some people feel like they are entitled to cast a vote as to how other people live their lives. Those people would be wrong. However they tend to be incapable of comprehending that. Or how reprehensible their own behavior might be.

Eva said...

Dear Swistle,

I needed a laugh today, and as usual, you delivered.

Love,

Eva

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Thanks for the laugh. I love the one to the roll over ad. I hate that so much. Good luck on the diamonds and/or puppy.

Linda said...

Dear Headache and Bad Attitude,

I know I drank too much rum last night and should have stayed awake till I was 100% sober, but I didn't. I don't think you would be hanging around if my kids hadn't woken me up a zillion times so I got tiny little chunks of sleep instead of a nice long siesta. So let's pretend that I got a good night of sleep and you get the hell out of here, okay?

Hillary said...

Dear Swistle,

You made me forget for a minute my in-laws are in town.

Thank you,
Hillary

Swistle said...

Dear Anonymous,

What would "taking them" entail? Letting them continue to sit like turds in my otherwise beautiful comment section? Check! But if you mean I have to humbly appreciate them and take them as my due, you're wrong. No one deserves meanness in exchange for sharing, and I'm sorry you feel that they do. Kisses--

Love, Swistle

Kristin.... said...

Dear Swistle:

As usual, your wit gave me a smile. Tell Anonymous to grow up!

Love

Kristin

Miss Grace said...

I was going to tell you that one of your letters was my favorite, but actually they're all my favorite.

You deserve a puppy.

Bethtastic said...

You never cease to make me grin and even giggle. Sometimes outloud in the quite of a napping house.

Merry Christmas Swistle!

Anna (sister-in-law Anna) said...

This is hilarious. You just made my morning.

Kim said...

Dear Swistle,
As usual, you've made my day. And since I had a semi-stressful morning of shopping and errand-running, imagining myself slapping Annonymous has been a satisfying release as well. Endorphins for everyone!!!
Love,
Kim

Firegirl said...

Dear Swistle,

I, too, am on the outs with snow. It snowed 6" more last night!!!!

I vote for a puppy!

Anonymous must be getting coal for Christmas, that's why they're so pissy.

Couldn't love you more if you were twins!

Michelle said...

Ohhh I love the letters.

And umm how bad of a mom does it make me that I'd think seriously for a moment about sending in the stinky lunchbox just to teach him a lesson about checking for old food?

Angella said...

Man, I needed this laugh today. Thanks, Swistle.

Anonymous said...

I wish I lived near you (not in a crazy-stalker-way, more like a Friends or How-I-Met-Your-Mother-way) and you were my friend. Your letters made my day.

Paula

Julie said...

You have mean anonymous commentators? That makes me sad. I heart "love, Swistle" letters! :)

Jodi said...

LOL!

Those are great! I could write a few of those myself.

And the child who cannot tell a story without taking an hour? Yeah, I have 7 of those. Urrrrrr!

Maggie said...

If I just switched "Rob" to my son's name, that letter could be from me, I love my son, but when it takes 10 minutes to spit out a comment my attention wanes rapidly...

CARRIE said...

Love 'em all!

Trina said...

Dear Swistle,

Thank you for making me smile!

Love,
Trina

Erin said...

Dear Swistle,

I may have to steal this post format for my own post. I love your writing and respect your honesty. Sorry anonymous comments (WHY can I NOT EVER spell anonymous? Did I get it wrong again?) came on THIS post too. Boo.

Love,
Erin

Kelsey said...

Ew about the chocolate milk!

LOVED these letters. Thank you for the smile.

caro said...

This post tickled me so much that I had to comment! Thanks so much for making me smile.

Missy said...

Dear Swistle,

This post is GOLD.

Love,
Missy.

Frazzled Mom said...

About Dr. Seuss... he was one of my favorite authors as a kid, but I can relate to his annoying made-up words. But just as annoying are the made up items in his illustrations. My 22 month likes to look at books at point out the objects she can identify. This Mom so beams with pride : )

I will sit with her and point to some other objects to build her vocabulary. But then I look at some weird contraptions that simply don't exist in this world, and I'm left wondering what I should tell my toddler. Quite a quandary.

Omaha Mama said...

Go Swistle!
I noticed no letters to your younger crew. All of the letters of this fashion that I could write would be to my two-year old. Who is trying his hardest to be unlikeable thish holiday season. It isn't working, but he keeps trying...
Great post, by the way.

Farrell said...

I love all the readers who wrote their comments in "dear swistle" form as I am not that clever!

I totally want to steal this idea, but if I do, I will absolutely give you credit.

Katie said...

Dear Swistle.

You rule.

Love, Katie

chris said...

dear swistle, here from chicken and cheese ROTF awards. loved the letters and LOVED the commentor who used "endorphins for everyone!" am adopting it as my new favorite phrase for now. thanks!