April 4, 2008

Night Shift

7:00-7:25 p.m. Elizabeth cries downstairs.

7:25-8:20 p.m. I try to figure out what the crap her problem is. I sing to her and rub her back as she says, literally, "Wahhhhh" (she's done with crying but still wants to do it) and she finally goes hitchingly off to sleep.

8:30-8:50 p.m. William has a bad dream. I get him out of bed and talk with him for awhile: it helps to fully wake up from a dream before going back to bed.

10:00-10:40 p.m. I lie awake waiting for sleep to happen. The last time I see the clock before falling asleep, it's 10:40.

11:00-11:05 p.m. A cat chases a plastic Easter egg wildly down the hardwood hall, skittering and bumping into walls. I'm so completely asleep, at first I think it's morning. I get up, pick up the Easter eggs and put them out of cat reach. As I do so, I "move the cat aside with my foot," in a gesture that some people might use a different verb for.

12:25-12:45 a.m. Henry wakes up and wants to nurse. I remind him that the pediatrician said babies Henry's age don't need to eat at night. Henry disagrees and/or did not receive that memo.

2:30-2:40 a.m. Electrifying sounds of a cat barfing repeatedly and energetically. I lie in the dark wondering if I'm going to cry first, hit something first, or just get up and deal with it. I just get up and deal with it. I can only find two tiny bits of cat barf---is there more somewhere? I refill the cats' water dish.

4:15-4:20 a.m. The cats have been up and around ALL NIGHT. What is their DEAL? They're fighting in the hall for the zillionth time. FINE. I will refill their food dish, because that's probably the problem. They can't wait even 2 more hours until morning. FINE. I go down to the scary dark basement and refill their dish---which STILL HAS PLENTY OF FOOD IN IT. The cats come running and galumphing anyway: it's FRESH food now.

4:45 a.m. Elizabeth cries briefly and goes back to sleep.

5:25 a.m. Paul's alarm goes off.

6:15 a.m. My alarm goes off.

49 comments:

Thia said...

As I read this, I think, I should have made coffee instead of tea this morning.

Jess said...

This post is full of brilliant pieces of comic genius. Like Henry disagreeing and the different verb that some people might choose. You are hilarious even when you're tired.

tulipmom said...

Lock them all in their rooms for a mandatory nap this morning. Did I just say that? Oh, if it were only that easy!

JMC said...

I think us moms must pass that night around. I had it the night before last. Caffeine will get you through. :)

Kristin.... said...

I can't stand nights like that. And being expected to function the following day is just a ridiculous thought. As if.
Your cats and my cat (lovingly named Lira-she's a money cat-but a better name would be Demon Hell Spawn, or Drachma or something more ominous sounding) have spring fever. They need to get over it.

Amy said...

Some nights with the babies are better than others, but it is ALWAYS a bad night with the cats. Mine are incessantly wrestling in the hall or the bed, or puking somewhere. If that doesn't get me out of bed, they hurl themselves against the shower door until I get up. What is WITH them?

I love them, but I often wish I did not own pets on nights like those.

And I'm out of coffee. This morning I loaded the babies up in the car, all in our pajamas, and went through the McD's drive-through. Sad.

See? You are SO not alone. :)

Maggie said...

Ouch. That can't feel good. I will hope that today is filled with peace, calm, and LONG naps - you deserve it!

jonniker said...

Oh this is awful. I feel like I was THERE. You tell it SO WELL.

And I agree with Jess. There are moments of pure, pure genius dropped like nuggets all OVER this post.

Anonymous said...

Swistle, posts like this reaffirm my love for you. Here's to hoping you get a nap in today! (unless you're like me where a day-nap makes you feel even worse...in which case I hope TONIGHT is restful for you)

Ashley

Amber said...

I'm thinking maybe you need a therapeutic dose of brownies or your mom's nutty roll deliciousness. Or, you know, Dairy Queen. Because you've had a rough week, my friend.

Emily said...

Posts like this make me think I should be sleeping RIGHT NOW so that after the baby is born I can think back and know that I got as much sleep as possible before the easy days of sleeping comfortably are disappear.

moo said...

Oh yes, the Cat-o-lympics ... gotta say, I DO NOT miss those, not even one little bitty bit.

Sorry you had a sucky night.

Pickles & Dimes said...

Poor Elizabeth - why was she so sad?

And I gotta second the notion about the cat springtime crazies. Our cats here are nuts as well. I can't imagine adding children to the Nighttime Wakeup Routine.

Erica said...

I hate nights like this. It seems I have them much more frequently than my husband does... which is never.

launchingsloth said...

cats= holy crap. that might have been the last straw for me. "snowy? too bad! you're an 'outdoor cat' now!"

Linda said...

One of the best things about our house is the door at the bottom of the stairs on the main floor. So unless the cats shatter glass, I can't hear their weird scampering night play while I am ensconced upstairs in my bedroom.

Not that that matters, of course, because C has not gotten the NO NURSING AT NIGHT IS NECESSARY memo either. I am constantly torn between "this is unnecessary" and the path of least resistance.

skiplovey said...

Ouch.
Being a "non cat" person the first thing I'd do is ship the darn cats off to a nice, quiet farm in the country where they get plenty of fresh air and room to roam. But that's me, definitely not a cat person.

Erin said...

The WORST. Hope today goes by quickly for you and you're back in bed before you know it.

Marie Green said...

Oh honey, I totally know this kind of night.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

I'm sorry.

Sounds like it's time for the big water pistols.

Swistle said...

UPDATE: I've had coffee, AND my mom took all three housechildren. Ahhhhhhhhh. SPOILED MUCH??

Amber- I have come SO CLOSE to brownies. I might still have to go that route. It does feel as if the universe owes me free brownies.

Emily- Ha! That's indeed what everyone tells you to do, isn't it? "Sleep now, because you won't once the baby gets here!" What we need is "sleep batteries" that we can fully charge.

Pickles & Dimes- I never did find out what her deal was. These days, when she's mad she goes silent. I THINK she was mad because I wouldn't let her take choking-hazard-sized toys to bed with her. She might also be getting her brother's cold.

Skiplovey- The words "waiting for them to die" went through my head in the wee hours. Two of the cats are 14 and one is 13---how much longer can this go on?

ZestyJenny said...

Oh, I am so glad. Good for you! Yay for your mom!

I can't believe you EVEN HAVE pets. Dude! There are 8 beings dependant upon you for survival. (And that's just counting Paul, and assuming there are no other pets. Damn.)

Swistle said...

Woman With a Hachet- At first I was thinking you meant for the KIDS, and I laughed long and loud. Then I realized you probably meant the cats. But can you imagine if I used it on the kids? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Steph the WonderWorrier said...

1:15pm: Swistle passes out folding laundry.

2:10pm: Children wake up, Swistle still passed out.

2:30pm: Swistle's face covered in magic marker.

Nowheymama said...

This is one of the many reasons we don't have pets. I'm up enough at night as it is.

Magnolia said...

This week TT has decided that he needs to get up for some conversation and light interaction....at 3:30 am.


Until about 5 am. During which time I am compelled to find varying light sources for him, repeatedly administer drinks and often remind him in growingly aggravated tones that it is time for night-night.

Between him and the overly loving cat who wakes me up by sitting on my chest and staring adoringly into my face I'm ready for a stint in the nut house.

I am with you sista..me and my coffee salute you.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Swistle, I use spray bottles (just filled with water) on my kids =). One or two squirts cuts down on a lot of discussing/reminding/arguing. I generally ask/remind once ("Please go put away the clothes on your floor."), and then, if the person doesn't respond, I get the squirt bottle. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly they move once they feel that first squirt. =)

Paige said...

Oh man, that sounds rough.

I don't have kids but I do have a cat. We close our bedroom door at night because I don't like her to sleep with me. Well, recently she discovered how to open doors. We have door handles instead of knobs. So know we lock the door and I frequently wake to a jiggling door handle and pitiful mewing and crying.

Paige said...

ha! squirt guns on kids! Genius!

annenahm said...

Gah. It is like going to war.

Jeninacide said...

My son has been getting up progressively earlier and earlier all week long wanting to PLAY! Last night it was 2AM. He was WIDE AWAKE at 2AM!?? WTF?!

Also the dog was chasing the cat in the middle of the night and also there were some people having a drunken fight in the street out in front of our house. Oh glory.

Soo. Fooking. Tired.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, no! So sorry about your night of madness.

But. BUT! "Henry disagrees and/or did not receive that memo." LOL!

catnip said...

I only have one cat and one kid. The kid doesn't wake up but the cat makes enough noise for 10 of him. When he gets naughty he wears a harness at night. Yes, it is meant for a small dog - but it fits! It also makes him lie down - all night - because he hates the way it feels on his back when he walks around. Oh, and I tried the water pistols years ago, but he liked it too much. Kept trying to lick it. The cat, not the kid.

Angie said...

Good morning?

Bummer

KEEP BELIEVING

pseudostoops said...

Egad. But I totally agree with Jess, you're WAY funnier when you're tired than I am when I'm tired. When I'm tired I'm just grouchy.

d e v a n said...

Bummer, but hilarious!!!
I especially like the part where you MOVE the cat aside with your foot. LOL I know that move myself...

Also, the ped never seems to send those memos to the baby. Perhaps HE could come over and explain it to Henry.

Jennifer said...

Those damn cats! Why is it that they always want to play/fight/bathe/yak/yowl in the dead of night?

I can sleep through most anything, but once the cat starts up with the horking I find myself sitting bolt upright trying to remember where I put the Resolve.

the new girl said...

Amazing that your funny is intact no matter the state of your evening.

I came home today to find my cat sitting upon my open laptop with 29465783 tabs open. Which she opens, I suppose, with her butt.

Did ANY of your kids sleep through without nursing by this age? I got a little freaked when my pediatrician said that I *shouldn't* be going in to feed her in the middle of the night.

I, uh, still do (until the pediatrician comes to hang out at 3am.)

Just curious.

Saly said...

This is hysterical---

I love the part about the cats--just the other night I heard one of ours wretching his guts out and I was laying in bed deciding "get up now, or make sure to remember in the AM before anyone steps in it." I waited til morning, and also stepped in it.

I hope you had a good day despite being crazy tired.

Jen4 @ Amazing Trips said...

I'm just glad you didn't step in cat barf in your bare feet at 4 AM. That would have made everything a whole lot worse.

Swistle said...

The New Girl- I would have to look it up (too...lazy...) but I don't think any of my kids gave up the night feeding until kind of late. I know for sure that Edward and Elizabeth didn't give it up until 15 months, because that was the last feeding left after I'd weaned them from all the others. I never want to wrassle with a baby in the wee hours when my patience is thin. As you say: when the pediatrician comes to my house to do the "reassurance" that is "all the baby needs in the night," then fine.

Danielle-lee said...

argggg. for all the pro's to having kids and pets, sometimes i think the con's are much more convincing. i feel your pain!

Julie said...

Sounds like that night SUUUUKKKKEEDD. Sending good vibes your way that all children and cats sleep through the night tonight.

andrea said...

When I'm that tired, my mind shuts down and I become almost mute. When you're that tired, you're even more hilarious.
My night involved frequent awakenings from my twins (who, incidentally, haven't received that memo either). One was up for 1.5+ hours. They BOTH have colds. As do I. And my husband has just gone away for the weekend with friends, leaving me as the sole one on night duty tonight. Can I cry here?

Susiewearsthepants said...

Why is it that the kids and the animals all want to act up at the same time anyway?

Kelsey said...

I was woken by our dog at 4 a.m. who actually needed to be let out. He hasn't needed this in about three years. If he and Harper regress when the baby comes home I will officially quit.

Let's hope that last night was just a bad one (for lots of people it sounds like!) and tonight will be full of restful slumber.

Kristi said...

I totally feel your pain on this one sista! Neither one of my kids slept through the night until they were 2 YEARS old. Also, I have a feline night-horker and a canine with sleep apnea - I've learned to function on very little sleep, while shortening my life span.

I hate those nights - but you described it brilliantly.

Jen said...

OMG. I feel your pain. This post sounds very similar to my last few days (although somehow, yours sounds funnier than mine), minus a few kids and minus a husband. I hope you get some sleep.

Alice said...

reading this actually made me anxious. egads. but.. maybe they all got it out in one night? hopefully the next night was calmer? it sure would be nice if things worked that way..