In a recent unpleasant talk with Paul about our sex life, I agreed it was a reasonable request that I be more tactful in turning down physical affection. I agreed it was reasonable that I allow hugs and kisses--even gropings--to occur without assuming they were preliminaries to larger moves. I agreed that my natural inclination to swat wildly at invading hands while yelling, "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!" could hurt someone's feelings.
But do you know what the actual outcome of this discussion was? Apparently I created the impression that I was no longer allowed to say no to physical affection. Last night (tonight, really, but now we're in the a.m. part) Paul gave me the Modified Silent Treatment (short, distant, "mm"-type answers to remarks; lack of eye contact; palpable silence; lying a different way in bed; not falling asleep within seconds as usual) after I willingly allowed hugs, kisses, and gropings during the day--but then wouldn't Go All The Way that night.
That is SO DUMB. I mean, the reason I had been turning down the preliminaries is that they always lead to the main event, and so I was nipping things in the bud when I knew I wasn't interested or willing to pretend to be interested. He said he didn't want things nipped in the bud, so I said fine. And now he's mad at me for not saying yes to EVERYTHING. Is this or is this not High School Boy behavior? They take it farther and farther and farther until you say no. It's exhausting, and it's GUARANTEED to result in a "no" SOMEWHERE, and so then it's followed by sulking. Oh, did you try to steal third when the base coach was doing that no-no-no thing with his hands? SO SORRY YOU GOT TAGGED OUT. Next time don't try to steal third against the signal. Idiot.
Mother Nature in her patchy wisdom has caused me to be absolutely asexual while I'm breastfeeding. Sex is nothing but irritating friction to me right now. Since we're using condoms and spermicide and KY, it's MESSY irritating friction. Since I'm up in the night with children, it's messy irritating friction WHEN I'D RATHER BE SLEEPING. And since this is the way these things go, when I'm thinking, "Okay, let's get this over with," it goes on FOREVER.
It doesn't even do anything for me emotionally. Is there anything more ridiculous than someone else's sexual passion, if you're not feeling it yourself? It's like being around drunk people when you're sober. Worse: when there seems to be some expectation that you will ACT drunk even when you're sober, or that in fact the drinking was YOUR OWN IDEA because you are SO THIRSTY. Bleah.