October 15, 2007

Direct to Voice Mail

Hi, you've reached Swistle, at www.swistle.blogspot.com. I can't come to the blog right now, because I am busy listening to someone tell me how I could better live my life.

In a week you will be able to reach me at the institution. Whether it will be mental or correctional depends on the limits of my self-restraint.

At the beep, please leave sympathy, empathy, cigarettes for bartering.

BEEP.

44 comments:

Stacie said...

How did I not even need to scroll past this post to know your MIL was in town?

Jess said...

Oh my poor dear. I've been thinking about you all morning. You're a good woman. Don't eat her. Instead, know there are swarms of bloggers out there casting spells on your behalf at this very moment.

el-e-e said...

Oh, how we will miss you! Report back as soon as possible and Good Luck!

Trena said...

Good luck and hopefully we won't be hearing about you on the news in the next week.

anatomist said...

we're pulling for you! and let us know if we need to pool together to bail you out!

Making my way in PA said...

I feel your pain and misery. I will be at the institution shortly right after I make a trip to hell, I mean, Tennessee to a wedding and the mother in laws this weekend!

nikki said...

Sending you mental 5ths of vodka.

Brooke said...

I'm sorry!! My in-laws are coming for three weeks in November, but I don't think they are as bad as yours. Be blessed!

Jess said...

A whole WEEK without you? This is going to be HORRIBLE. But I am SO looking forward to the tales. Hopefully you'll be able to sneak out occasionally just to let us all know that you're still alive.

Tessie said...

My skin is CRAWLING. Crawling, I tell you! Well, you have my utmost sympathy. Fat lot of good it does you out there on the battlefield. Inspiration phrases:

The only way through it, is through it.

What goes around, comes around.

Many poisons are odorless and colorless. Also: leave no trace for the autopsy.

Devan said...

Good luck and Godspeed.

Trina N. said...

Hopefully they will let you continue to blog from which ever institution you go to. I would really miss reading your blog everyday.

Can't wait to hear all the stories from her visit.

Godspeed.

g~ said...

if there is *any way* to throw us a bone and update, please do. What will I do with the time that I am supposed to be interacting with my kids if I don't have your blog to read?

Marie Green said...

Oh, man, I sincerely hope we do not have to wait ALL WEEK to hear how the MIL visit is going.

But yes, I understand your need to focus your energies elsewhere.

I'll be thinking about you and hoping for the best (you know, that she leaves earlier than planned...or that she never shows up??)

This post was very funny, BTW.

Ta!

Natalie said...

I don't have cigarettes, but will cake help? Can you barter with cake?

I feel for you. I never really got to know either set of inlaws and thank goodness for that!

MadMad said...

Cigarettes? You got cigs over there?! I said I'd wait till my youngest was 18, fully cooked and off to college before I took off with a pack for the French Riviera, but I could be tempted to start back up earlier...

Good luck! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!

Misty said...

*Chills*

So, it begins.

Remember, it is like boot camp. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will be stronger on the other side. There IS another side.

Deep breaths. Lock yourself in the bathroom if need be. It. will. be. OK.

janet said...

keep the faith. it will be over soon... or soonish... or not soon enough ... or... oh dear. i'm sending the margarita IV hookup to swistle-ville STAT!!

Artemisia said...

Nikki - good idea. I'll send tequila.

Hang in there!!! Regardless of what MIL says, we think you ROCK.

Shelly said...

"In a week you will be able to reach me at the institution. Whether it will be mental or correctional depends on the limits of my self-restraint."

Genius! Absolutely hilarious. Do let us know if you need bail or an escape plan. We're all rooting for you!

alienbea said...

Cupcakes. I'll barter with cupcakes. Specifically: Cookie Dough Cupcakes, which are even better made with chocolate cake mix. I'm thinking there may be no other way to survive the week which stretches so endlessly ahead (for you, with your MIL, and for me, without any Swistle!).

Nowheymama said...

*sending file to bake into above mentioned cakes*

Miss you already!

Penny said...

ooooo, poor swistle. Best wishes for your survival.

Cass said...

I give you a quote.

Cass: The sky is falling the world is ending. blah blah blah
Grandma: This to will pass
Grandpa: action: Farts
Grandma: Like Gas
Cass: So what you are saying is this stink will pass
Grandma: Well, eventually...this particular gas is potent.

Mimi said...

Oh my garsh... don't end up in an institution, please (either kind)! I wish you all the patience in the world.

KatieBug said...

Poor Honey! I hope the week goes by really fast!

Type (little) a said...

My MIL is dead!

Haha

Omaha Mama said...

Oh Boy.

Deep breaths.

Go to your happy place.

Nod and smile.

Think chocolate mint and just smile.

Sorry that you have to endure this.

Perhaps you could take up alcoholism for a week or two? Oh, you're nursing though.

I've got it! Make it so you can only nurse in private (Henry is just too distractable) and make sure that this week he's having a growth spurt and cluster feeding. That's a half hour every hour on the hour that you've got to leave the room to be alone.

Just a thought.

Karly said...

Your mean YOU AREN'T BLOGGING WHILE SHE VISITS? I'm sorry, I know this is Paul's mom and all, but you are going to have to put a stop to these visits. How will I survive without you?

Shannon said...

Good luck!!!!!

Shelly Overlook said...

I am wondering if you hid all the sharp knives from yourself. Also wondering how fast all of us could pitch together for bail money.

mamaDB said...

Oh Swistle, I'm pullin' for you. Remember the children. They'd be lost without their mother. Besides, the MIL might try to take custody while you are away. That alone is worth not strangling her.

Good luck! You should have her make meals for the family while she's there. Put her to work!

I know you can hear me... said...

Good luck!

I can't wait to hear about all of your mother-in-law adventures!

Jenny H. said...

YIKES!

I am sending Jagermeister. What? It is potent stuff! Obviously she needs the hard stuff! Or should I just send Jack?

I know we all anxiously await your return...

Good luck!

Black Sheeped said...

Well! Obviously I'm the only one still stuck on the CAT TOWEL.

Hey! Swistle! We love you and you're pretty!

Erin said...

Oh Swistle. Oh. My sincerest sympathies. I will send muffins, and cookies, and dove ice cream to the institution. Hang on tight! We are here when you return.

Melinda said...

I was making muffins this afternoon and I thought...hey, I'll make an extra batch and stick them right in the freezer. Swistle would approve of that idea! So, I'm thinking of you and sending thoughts of yummy baked goods. And don't kill your mother-in-law...no matter how tempting she makes it.

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

I feel like giving you a hug. And a beer.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Aiiieeee! The MIL has landed! Take cover!

I suggest going to the bathroom and making awful bodily sounds. Claim you think you have the Norfolk Flu and see if that gets her out of there sooner. If not, at least you've escaped to the bathroom, alone, for awhile.

Perhaps schedule a few trips to the "doctor's" office, aka the library. No need to bring the kids, either. You might be contagious.

Hang in there!

Katie said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It can't be true. You can't leave us here like this. I am going to tell you how to better live your life: Frequent Blog Updates from (Your Version of) Hell!

Could you not spring this trick on her? "Oh good! You're here! I've been DYING for you to get here so you can have some quality time with YOUR grandchildren while I get some alone time--BY MYSELF. At the mall! See you later!?"

Cari said...

CALM.BLUE.OCEAN.
And wine. A lot of wine.
And a week long trip to a spa. Leave now.

Bunny said...

Oh, Swistle. How can we go a week without hearing from you? I just hope that you will need a place to put all of those crazy mother in law stories and we will all be hear to listen and talk you down from the ledge.

Mrs. M said...

i'll visit you in either as i have experience in family being held in both.

christina said...

since they have the tequila and jaeger covered... i'll send scotch

i feel you big time!