I'm up at 4:00 a.m., which is SO SMART. Elizabeth woke me, and then I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried for more than half an hour, and I just got more and more wakeful. I'm thinking about stuff.
I'm thinking about my weight, which went down 5 pounds right after I stopped taking the mini-pill, but then stayed where it was. And then started creeping up little by little again. I'm getting that "this isn't my body" feeling--like I'm ENCASED in my body. That's usually my cue to take action.
And I'm thinking about diets, which are stupid and only work short-term. And about "lifestyle changes," which are also diets. And about how there should probably be an actual lifestyle change around here, NOT (*maudlin tone*) "so I can live to see my kids grow up" (it's relatively uncommon to die in one's thirties for being overweight) but because my food intake has gotten pretty crappy and it's causing me to envision the kind of clogged pipes they show on plumbing and cholesterol-reduction commercials. BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THINNER AND LOOK PRETTIER. I don't really care about my health here, though of course that will help to motivate me when I am frantically scraping to remember why I am not eating something I want to eat. If I were eating crap but I were still THIN, we would not be having this talk right now. Possibly we are not having this talk anyway. Possibly when morning light hits, I will think this is a dumb idea. It's so easy to strike out on a new diet when I'm not feeling hungry.
And I'm thinking about Zoloft, which I'm on the fence about: on one hand, I feel like I Need Something. On the other hand, breastfeeding! and the accompanying worrying about future scientific studies that will make me regret current decisions! And also, I'm not sure I want to start taking a longer-term medication for what I think may be a short-term issue centering on my mother-in-law's upcoming visit.
And I'm thinking about exercise, which is disappointing me results-wise. My heart and lungs might be getting all awesome and fit, but I'm not noticing exterior improvements. I want EXTERIOR IMPROVEMENTS. I have exercised faithfully three times a week for two months, and I haven't had a single less-than-three-times week: I sometimes whine about skipping a session because I'm too mad/sad, but I always make up the session the next day. And yet all I am doing is getting bigger.
So that's me, at what is now 5:00 in the morning: Weight. Diets. Zoloft. Exercise. Hm, I wonder why I'm not dropping off into dreamyland? My theory is that I'm self-medicating my mother-in-law/new-baby stress with food (how FASCINATING and DIFFERENT), and that I'm doing it too much for the exercise to keep up. I think the food HAS been helping, but since it's also hurting, it's time to try something else.
I'm about to launch into a discussion about the "something else" I'm doing, and it's something I don't recommend. I have an old bottle of Zoloft in my underwear drawer, and I'm going to start taking it. I think this is a TERRIBLE idea! You should ALWAYS have medical supervision for medication. ESPECIALLY if you're pregnant or breastfeeding and the bottle has a sticker on it that says "Do not take if pregnant or breastfeeding." And especially with PSYCHIATRIC medication, where the effects on your health and mental states should be monitored so you don't flip the hell out. And if the medication is also EXPIRED, you are a CRAZY PERSON if you take it.
BUT. I've taken this before. If anything, it had too LITTLE an effect on me, and it didn't affect my health. And right now, my plan is to take it until my mother-in-law's visit is over, and then stop. I thought I was coping pretty well with life in general; then we got close to her visit and I started melting down.
The bottle contains 100 mg tablets. I remember that when I went on it before, the doctor started me at 25 mg for a week, and then went to 50 mg. So last night I bit off one-half of a half tablet. I'm going to do that for four days and then go up to 50 mg. I have enough to last me until the end of October, when I will carefully go back down to 25 mg daily, then 25 mg every other day, then 25 mg every third day--because going off Zoloft last time made life temporarily lose its color, and it helps to KNOW that that will happen, but it also helps to wean slowly.
Maybe I will chicken out in the next day or two. Maybe I will call the doctor after all, and spend a $20 co-pay for him to try to talk me into counseling. We'll see. I mean, if YOU said YOU were going to do this, I'd be all up in your comments section saying, "Oh, hey, I don't know about this. I think it would be better to call the doctor. I mean, that Zoloft is older than the twins--it might not even WORK."
Also, I am going to eat a little better. I don't even want to say words like "diet," because my brain hears "diet" and my brain says "HUNGRY." But I want to be thinner, and dieting is the way to do it.
If that doesn't suck the happy out of the room, I don't know what does.
Edited to add: I should have said specifically that I welcome your input and insight. I know how it is to be reading a post thinking, "Is she just venting here and my advice would get called 'assvice' and be all irritating? or is she looking for feedback?" You may proceed with feedback! Personal experience, insight from a distance, whatever.
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