August 14, 2007

Still Not Enough

If around 7:30 yesterday evening you thought you heard a train going past, CHUG-a-chugga-CHUG-a-chugga, and then thought, "Wait, we're not near train tracks," then perhaps you were hearing ME, heaving and panting as I jogged THREE ENTIRE MINUTES WITHOUT STOPPING. Week Three is jogging 1.5 minutes, walking 1.5 minutes, jogging 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes, repeating all four things. I will tell you, I did not think it was possible to do it. The only reason I even TRIED is that I remember I thought one single minute was my absolute upper limit and then was pleased (you realize I am using that word in a loose, careless way, as you might say you were pleased when the inquisitor moved from "sharps" to "blunts") to find that I could do 1.5 minutes if I gave up any foolish sentimental attachment I had to my lungs. Going to 3 minutes involved additional sacrifice, including watching a carload of teenagers drive by FOUR TIMES, knowing they were almost for sure making cruel remarks from the fleeting shelter of their perfect bodies. I started a motivating refrain of "BITE me...BITE me...BITE me" with each left-right.

This morning I was looking up maternity tees for Linda, who posted about needing something for the in between stage where you're not ready for a canopy-for-two but you need something more spacious than your usual shirts. I recommend the Duo t-shirts on JCPenney.com: I purchased them in the smaller of the two sizes I fall between, and they were perfect for early/mid pregnancy--and frankly, I'm still wearing them now, more than 2 months post-partum. Anyway, I found the ones I bought (I liked the scoopneck, but they also have crewneck and v-neck), and I saw they were on clearance for $3.99, and that they had the new colors on sale for $9.99. And suddenly I was seized with the impulse to buy some "for next time." I squelched that urge as quickly as I could--which is to say, it is not yet squelched.

I don't understand this drive I have to have more More MORE children. I don't even particularly enjoy the ones I have, based on how much time I spend hiding from them. And there is so little chance of having another: Paul states emphatically, "We are NOT having ANY MORE babies." And yet--

I went to the grocery store a couple of weeks ago to get more pints of Dove, and I saw a baby about Henry's age, all smooshy-cuddly sleeping on its daddy's chest, little mouth open, little legs folded up and little bottom sticking out. I got a sharp, nauseating pang of wanting a baby, a kicked-in-the-ovaries feeling. And I have a baby already, right now. This is the kind of thing that makes me fear for my future happiness--and for Paul's, since he has so many years ahead of hearing about it. Fertility has been more than generous with me, and yet I can't seem to get my fill of this:

33 comments:

Jana said...

Love, love, love the picture. And it's pictures like those that make me want to have more babies. Of course, once my oldest hit age 3, developed an attitude and started arguing, I began to wonder if I could just trade her in for a newer model. I suppose not. **Sigh**

Katie said...

I too have massive tiny baby fever. Not so much once they are mobile. I get the lovey dovey chest constrictions when I see little teeny ones...like Henry! :)

Jodi said...

We just added two to our family this week bringing us to 7 kids and I STILL long for more. At least when I don't have 7 kids all talking to me at once.

Sara said...

pang pang pang. yep, there it goes.

Henry is cuter with every picture.

AndreAnna said...

I think I just ovulated looking at that picture.

Marie Green said...

Totally, totally, totally hear you on the baby want. And I have a baby too! I feel SO NOT DONE, but David is adamant that we are. I think I'll "win" in the end... but wish he shared just a little bit of my desire for MORE.

I start week 3 tomorrow. I almost thought about doing week 2 again, but like you thought, I should at least try it, because I'm already able to do more than I initially thought. So we'll see.

This is one of my favorite thing about tiny babies- when you pick them up and their little bodies do the arch and curl thing. Know what I'm talking about? Love love love that. Love.

Henry is soooooooooooooo cute. He's giving me MORE baby-want!

Jenny H. said...

Y'all are killing me! I suffer from baby fevah too! I have two boys- three and a half and a two year old. And I still want, no NEED, MORE! I know it sounds crazy, but I love having babies! If I thought I had a snoball's chance in hell of talking my husband into anymore children beyond the third child, then I would be ALL over it!

Henry is a cutie!

tulipmom said...

Oh that picture makes me want to reach into the computer and give him a snuggle (not in a stalker way, mind you).

Good for you for getting to Week 3! I love your mantra. A similar response may have come out of my mouth the other day as I noticed a perfectly toned and tanned bimbo running with a heat index of 110.

tulipmom said...

Oh and I'm heading over to JCPenney.com to check out those shirts ... thanks.

Annie said...

Awww sweet baby!

I have one planned and one surprise(!) and I am so done. Maybe you could do infant only home daycare. I know, it's just not the same.

Pickles & Dimes said...

Henry is absolutely snuggable! Love him!

I wish I could jog with you. We have the same outlook on exercise, and I also get pissed when I think people are judging me.

Tessie said...

Oh, OH, OH! That picture! I seriously just about burst into tears.

I totally understand all the arguments for No More Kids and the Husband Hesitancy and all that, BUT. The good news for us is that it only takes one moment of weakness or slight chink in the armor and BAM! You emerge victorious and there are no backsies-do overs! *CACKLE MADLY*!

Shannon said...

I want another baby, too. I am jealous of everyone who is pregnant.

MrsGrumpy said...

Oh Swistle, I am so there with you. The little legs up under the bottom gets me every time. I try to tell myself that I am lucky to have given birth to the two I have...yet, in the back of my mind, there were supposed to be more. I still work hard to not envy the baby people too much.

hello insomnia said...

I want to be pregnant again, but with my son because it was so awesome. I think my second child will be Damien because that's just my luck.

Misty said...

I remember going through the "yes, I just popped a baby out, but now want another one SO BAD" thing. I personally think it was the crazy hormones telling me that my womb is now vacant; (as if I didn't know)so, hurry up and get someone in there already.

But.

11 months later, I still want another one. I think we will in a couple years.

bubandpie said...

I sometimes catch myself missing stuff that HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED YET - I'll feel a sharp pang of nostalgia for how quickly those years of believing-in-Santa are passing...and then I'll realize that my children are TOO YOUNG to even understand about Santa.

Sarah said...

That photo - gah!!! Henry is so close in age to my son (16 weeks), and they are growing so quickly! My husband thinks no more (this is our first); I think maybe one more, but my thing is - how does anyone afford more?!?!
I LOVE when I pick the baby up and he does this super-arch back stretch and then snuggles into me. I'm also the kind of person who said a baby would never sleep in our bed, and yet that's right where he is. They're only little for such a short time, so short!!

anita said...

I, too, wanted a baby SO badly, we actually checked into having my husbands vasectomy reversed..instead, we got a grandchild! so much easier, i get my baby fix and send them back home when I'm done!

Dooneybug said...

I have those t-shirts and love them! If I wasn't 38 weeks I'd be buying some more. But like you said, maybe for next time? I too can't believe I'm considering it even though I'm only getting ready to have #2. They're just so darn adorable when they're tiny!

Alice said...

THREE WHOLE MINUTES! that's insane! and awesome! wow!

i, uh, don't have any babies. i am perfectly content to pat yours on the head and then go have another beer.

jen said...

Sometimes I see a picture of someone's newborn online and then I think "aww I want a baby" and then my brain kicks in and says "look down, dumbass! You'll have a baby in 10 weeks!"

Devan said...

gawd he's cute. How can I have baby fever when my baby is only 4 mo old?!
YOu are my hero for running 3 entire minutes!! That sounds impossible to me!

Swistle said...

Tessie-- LOVE. YOUR. COMMENT. That's how I got Henry! We were DONE. And it was Someone Not Me who neglected the birth control.

BubandPie-- Ha ha! I do that too. I get all weepy remembering my children's weddings. Which, um, obviously haven't happened yet.

Anita-- Someone told me about her friend who "kept having kids until she got her first grandchild." I can see doing that. But the more kids I have, the more grandchildren I have, right? Unless they all end up scarred by growing up in a big family and therefore only have one kid each.

Jen-- HA HA! I did that same thing when I was pregnant with Henry. I'd read a book about someone who was pregnant, and I'd get all weepy about how I was done having babies---all the time with the book propped on my enormous tummy.

Devan-- It IS impossible. Even as I'm doing it, I'm thinking, "This is clearly not possible."

JayJenny said...

And why wouldn't you? You have beautiful gifts in each of your children!

Sam said...

Funny - maybe it will be different after I get through the small babyhood of my own baby, but I like the bigger babies - not the little squenchy sized ones. Except for my own, OF COURSE. My own is perfectly delicious and delightful. But I am weird, I like 2 year olds better than say, 7 year olds.

el-e-e said...

When you make 'em as pretty as you do, you ought to just keep making more.

The world just needs these gorgeous children. :)

My Buddy Mimi said...

I never find time to exercise when my husband is out of town, but he's coming back tonight. No more excuses!

Artemisia said...

Babies are very sweet, and I do love to hold my nieces and nephews. But I don't, in any way, have that urge that you talk about, to have my own. That used to worry me, but now I've accepted that children are not for me. Nieces and nephews are, though! Good grief, I can't believe how much I love those guys.

I do, however, think it is awesome that people who do have this incredible pull--like you do--have kids. In my humble opinion, those are exactly the folks who should be having them.

I would imagine it is only natural to have spells where you just want other company than that of your kids. Kids who require every waking moment, and those sleeping ones, too.

And, I suppose there will be times where you genuinely don't like your children. Those will probably be the most difficult times of your life, I am sure.

But I also think those will be the moments that teach you, better than anyone, what truly is unconditional love.

Omaha Mama said...

That picture made me want a baby NOW and I'm pretty darn happy with my two. Oh that picture, it is haunting me right now. A sleeping baby is such a trick! Now I must have a baby...

Oh, and the bite me line, totally made me laugh!

Laural Dawn said...

Good work on the jogging - I took running up running in January.(I'm on a break)And, it's amazing when you do a program and increment minutes how amazing it is. Honestly, I have only worked up to 5 minutes before I walk, but I'm mighty proud of those 5 minutes :)

Shelly said...

Yes! I saw a baby in the mall last night that was way smaller than my little boy and it was all snuggled up on its daddy in a front carrier and it was just so so tiny and I wanted a new baby so bad!

And Henry is just gorgeous. I adore those outfits with ears that you dress him in, so precious.

Jen4 @ Amazing Trips said...

I have a new baby Henry, too. He was born on July 4. He is my fourth baby ... my first three are 2-year old triplets. He's just over six weeks old and I'm already strategizing how I can have one ... maybe two ... quite possibly three more.

I recently told my husband that I want another baby. I think I said "my life depends on having another one." Or something like that. When my husband said "Absolutely not!!" I retorted "It is only because I love you, that I'm giving YOU first right of refusal."

I'm content waiting until we get at least two of the triplets potty trained ... and then we'll see what happens!