March 29, 2007

Loophole

Paul is getting sick again. He told me about four times over the course of yesterday evening that he was feeling funny, and then he said in a pathetic voice that he sure hoped he wasn't getting sick, and then he asked me to feel his forehead and see if he had a fever, and then he went to bed an hour and a half early, and then he called out in a small weak voice asking if I could bring him another blanket, and he shivered as I put the blanket over him. At 3:30 in the morning he woke up his pregnant wife (that's me, but I'm disassociating to lessen the emotional impact of the experience) to ask for acetaminophen. This morning he chose not to go to work (all together now: "Must be nice"), and now he's moping around, drinking Gatorade (to replace all the electrolytes he lost by sleeping, presumably), lying down on the bed and groaning, and seeing if he can possibly choke down two of the muffins William and I made this morning. Sometimes he manages to bravely drag himself to his computer.

He's been sick more often than the kids this winter, and this is my fourth pregnancy in which he's spent almost the whole 9 months expecting sympathy FROM me without giving any TO me, and keeping me awake with his snoring and his groaning. As I understand it, there's an "in sickness and in health" clause in our marriage contract--but as I also understand it, there's an "until death do us part" loophole.

27 comments:

Nellyru said...

Oh my god, I just laughed until I cried. But not AT you, just WITH you (as if you were really laughing when HE WOKE YOU UP). Seriously, it's posts like this that just make me go skipping merrily around the house for the rest of the day, happy in the knowledge that I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD.

Shannon said...

Hey, Jeff was sick last night, too! Luckily he went to work.

I'm laughing over the gatorade...bwahahahha. You should refill the bottles with colored water or koolaid and see if he notices the difference.

Anonymous said...

That made me laugh so hard.

I like shannon's idea. Could you pretty please try it and let us know what happens?

Michele said...

"As I understand it, there's an "in sickness and in health" clause in our marriage contract--but as I also understand it, there's an "until death do us part" loophole."

Best quote ever. I will be posting this on the master bathroom mirror.

Emily Snipes said...

Boys are wimps!!!!

Penny said...

Perhaps you could remind paul that the way he feels right now? Is the way you feel (well I do) for 9 freaking months of pregnancy. So where's YOUR gatorade, right?

Husbands: the other baby in the house.

Devan said...

As I understand it, there's an "in sickness and in health" clause in our marriage contract--but as I also understand it, there's an "until death do us part" loophole.

That could not have been any funnier! MEN!

Mommy Daisy said...

Ha! I hate when they do that! My husband just did that about a month or so ago. I posted my complaints about it then. Why don't mommies get sick days?!! Unfair! And pregnant women don't get sick days just because. Oh well, guess that's part of what makes up moms.

nonsoccermom said...

Hee! That's too funny. I absolutely hate it when my husband is sick. He's such a baby!!

Kathi said...

This was probably the funniest blog entry I've read in my entire life. You should be a comedy writer!

desperate housewife said...

I definitely think this is one of the posts that should be sent to Paul.

Jennifer said...

Reading this makes me want to punch him. I can't believe he woke you up to get acetaminephin...my husband does the same thing.

MEN!

Shelly said...

Oh honey, don't get me started. Every time I have a headache or a sniffle or whatever, when I mention it, suddenly my Hubs has the same affliction. No matter what it is. If I said I had a vaginal cramp he'd probably tell me he had testicular cramping. So you can imagine how awful it must have been for him to suffer through my entire pregnancy and 10 months of complaints he could not possibly match or outdo.

You have my complete sympathy.

Stacie said...

Funniest. Post. Ever.

Nellyru said...

"testicular cramping" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

Kelsey said...

My hubby called me at work once because he couldn't find the butter.

Sometimes they are a little needy!

Did you throw the stuff at his head or stuff it down his throat for him?

jen said...

man, this "make fun of our sick husbands" shit NEVER gets old! hahaha! Mine is just whiny and useless around the house when sick, but I don't think he's stupid enough to ask me for anything hehe

gabby said...

We, uh, have the opposite problem in our house. The hubby? You'd never even know he's sick. Me? THE WORLD COMES TO AN END. I'm such a hypochondriac. The poor guy...

coffee stained said...

Swistle - You are my hero today. Paul needs a swift kick in the behind. Whining will not be tolerated.

Mrs. M said...

that is freaking hilarious! i'm so using that on hubs. by the way, i'm mrs. m! just cruised over and i'll definatley be back.

CAQuincy said...

My needy husband calls me at work--to have me make PHONE CALLS FOR HIM.

But at least he doesn't get sick that often....

Mommy Brain said...

I feel your pain. I had better go remind my DH about that loophole. In fact, I think I might just email him your post. I was telling my 15 month old daughter that "Mommy can't pick you up. She's tired and busy taking care of you and your sister." Daughter distinctly replied "And Da." And she's right.

Karen said...

Oh, my God -- that was hysterical. That sounds just like MY husband when he's sick. (And our husbands have the same name, so I could REALLY relate.)

I remember when my husband caught a cold right after I gave birth. His mother asked him (AT THE HOSPITAL, WHILE I WAS LYING THERE WRITHING WITH C-SECTION PAIN) if he wanted her to bring him some Tylenol and orange juice. He weakly said, "No, Mom, I'll be okay. (sniff, sniff)" Even as I'm typing this, seven years later, I still want to throttle them both.

Swistle said...

Karen-- Holy crap, your husband and mother-in-law were lucky to make it out of that hospital alive. In fact, they should be thanking you for their continued existence.

Shelly-- That is so funny. Testicular cramping. I love it. What does he do if you're in labor?

Nellyru-- I always love it when people post stuff about their idiot husbands, not only because it is COMEDY GOLD but also because I think, "Whew, it's not just mine."

Anonymous said...

LOL! Nice loophole!

MooK8E said...

OMG, this is hilarious. I only have one, but when I was in the midst of my (33 hour) labor to get him out, my (now ex) boyfriend complained that I was squeezing his hand too hard during one of my contractions. Pfft....Men...where would this world be if they had to give birth? Thank you for the smiles!

mommagoosenotes said...

I have never laughed so hard reading a blog as I did when I read the last sentence of this post.