The children have worn me out. William says everything ten times, and in a silly voice, and it seems as if he never ever stops talking. He follows me around the house, flopping. Rob keeps asking if we can talk about something, can we spend some time together, can you play with me now? It's pitiful and annoying at the same time. Elizabeth hasn't taken a nap in the last two days, and she won't leave her shoes on, and she gives back almost everything I offer her to eat. Edward keeps getting into the diaper pail, the electronic equipment, the pencils--anything gross, delicate, or stabby. Lifting two heavy toddlers in and out of their high chairs overwhelms my tired body and my sore tum. Both twins are sick with colds that have turned into fevers and coughs. Their noses are double-double the disgusting.
Paul and Rob needed haircuts, so they went downtown and got it done. I started thinking about the cost of five boy haircuts every two months, plus Elizabeth's and mine, and I started feeling like we can't really afford all these children after all. We will have to donate several of them to Goodwill. I am not sure that will be tax-deductible.
The thought of haircuts led me to the thought of braces. Glasses. Car insurance for teenaged boys. What about our retirement? What were we thinking, having even ONE child? Oh, sure, "they're worth it." I'll tell myself that when I'm living rough, eating out of dumpsters, having given all our worldly goods to pay for the needs of our throng of children. At least we won't have to worry about the cost of extracurricular athletic programs: this morning William referred to something he saw in a book as a "hockey bat." It was a golf club.
I don't know why I thought this was a good day to balance the checkbook and work on the bills. Now I am agitating about our electric bill and our heating bill, and how much worse they will be when we have five children taking showers every day. What will we do about the bathroom situation? We have one small bathroom for seven people. This is not going to work out, and we are foolish to attempt it. The boys will need to start peeing in the shrubbery. I will give them showers in the driveway, with the garden hose.
Earlier, when the twins had been running free and the living room was trashed, and the twins were both crying because I'd taken them out of their mess, and I was cleaning it up even though most of it was on the floor and it's uncomfortable to bend over like that now, I had this sudden vision of what it would be like to add a newborn to this. A fussing newborn who wanted to nurse for a leisurely hour while the twins were tantruming. Am I some kind of idiot, that I would allow this to happen? FIVE children? FIVE?? We can't even come up with a name for this new child, because we have named too many children already.
Also, speaking of five, just five Reese's miniature peanut butter cups ("serving," my ass) have 210 calories. What kind of world do we live in, where this can be the case?
Life-improving products, part 4 - (Continued from part 1, part 2, and part 3.) Stearns Youth Life Vest (photo from Amazon.com). I’d been too scared to take the kids to any body of water oth...